Thursday, October 26, 2006
i find it so hard to admit to myself that i don't know what i want. some want fast lives, some lived for that 15 minutes of fame, some for others whom there will never be. of course those for themselves altogether.
i am still trying to find out what do i keep living for. i do not think that my main existence is for wholly myself but more to that than meets the eye. i like a touch of mystery, perhaps so in hoping that i will not lived in vain and to realise all that i can achieve could never be. perhaps due to the fact that i didn't believe myself enough.
what do i want? what do i yearn? i get so tired too easily these days. i forget things or perhaps will myself to do so. i hardly think of some stuff that may be constantly on my mind, but trickled to none now these days. perhaps the company i keep. no offense, but i am tired. let's meet up for coffee and try to discover a new angle to us being here. bumping into each other becomes too clique for words to develope. perhaps a coffee or a soothing tea to open my eyes to the path ahead.
10:48 PM
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
it is really not easy to be friends. it is not easy to put yourself on a hold to try to understand the other party and to really like someone to call him or her your friend. yep.. kinda contradicts everything that is going on in this planet. it is easy yeah to talk to someone. casual words, no win or lose to comtemplate the situation. or else why when we approach the next person, is to mainly fill in a void and to escape from the fact that we are alone.
there goes the trail. from one friend you skip on the next, gradually you build up a line so at random days when you needed company you have the numbers available at hand to start playing roulette and dial, dial and dial. usually i should some would have better luck, netting with the 1st call made or perhaps now an sms should suffice. it is after all, a matter of self-marketing campaign set to win hearts and smiles.
i am not nice by nature. i am an agressor, a fighter or so perhaps a hater. i am not friendly, days i am. probably i am distracted. i am not cool and collected, not those type of femme fatale but i am more likely to shrink. of course sometimes i can't quite hold my tongue in place. so when my tongue leads the way, please be careful. i don't usually apologise, after all if you like my style enough you will stay along for the ride or to be appropriate, the ego tripping. i don't see the need to regret cos if i do then i can't see myself moving on. so why bother when i have a long way to go until someone up there decides my sudden demise?
i don't understand why people would stick around with me. i can be a difficult creature. all girl then all inanimated then all girl then all gone. friends are few to named, friends who stayed on are beyond my outer shell but into the essence of me. of cos some friends still irritate the hell out of me but i can't lose them as it is. it is easy to feel under my skin that that is one to keep. like a treasure found, kept close in my pocket. of cos some treasure can sure be a pain in the ass... as often found... now i have one that is some sort nice but some sort that i wanna make a punchbag out of...
these are the little treasures i call friends...
8:14 PM
i decided to start an entire new blog altogether. erase the old and light up a new me to embrace a hopefully better outlook. i can always be optimistic. unfortunately, the separate blog created was more for a selected panel of readers but now i know things are circulated into the wrong hands. i sure do not want to be hold responsible for what is said that is IN MY OPINION. too many possibilities of misunderstandings. the makings of such not caused by mischief but by mere different thoughts and focus of the direction each moves to.
i erase all the past vices with this blog. i hope it would help. it will keep in track of what is myself. perhaps i learnt another growth inside me. i do not want to repeat anything i feel will come back to haunt me. i have too many hauntings as it is. i am not gon port past entries to this blog. live and let learn. in this case, let go. make a clean swipe of the uglies in my life. i can learn to be happier in this coming phrase.
there are things i realise i can give up. i don't really need at this moment. i can identify in me, my desire for now. let's stay happier, smile alittle wider and be myself without fear and with acceptance of who i am. learn to love my friends more... though sometimes i am not sure if i love the right ones... haahaa... oh well...
6:40 PM
