i got the job of my dreams! and with a pay increment! not alot but for now i am satisfied. for those who think i will fail, dream on!

anyway anyone lookin for jobs, please look for me. lol now you know what am i doin rite? lol

2.5 days of hell to go. and i am outta here. gotta buy suits! gosh i will be the epitome of the modern suit up lady! wow! i won't let my bustline ruin my chances at looking gr8 in 1! hopefully i don't rip any buttons off!

everything that we want to be, is to be someone we are not.
we just want to slip into another identity and to believe that we are god.
we fear not the unknown but what we may not be altogether whom we try to be.

we lose focus and lost track of time. that endless count to the never land.
we want to stay young forever and just a you and me world where we live and die together.
we age endlessly but only in the mirrors we seek to see.
we are only but those rose petals falling to the ground that stone hard and cold floor.
that harsh wind against our skins, we fear as we might but we laughed as we rose.
we stand tall still in the face of the courageless world.
we want to conquer that land we chose to ignore.
those television ads and media cruelties that raped you and me but still we go on.

we can never really leave this place.
the door is here but we are not. into the mirror we seek a blessed home.
we crave a loneliness yet we run away.
we want but all we have and reject all but none we possess.
for the greater good each to say. for the none we have each to give.

right at the end, we fall again. into that deep dark hole.

you're standing there like the invisible man,
with your hands deep in your pockets.
your smile is lost and never coming back.
you're losing yourself without knowing why.
you're tired of asking yourself those questions.
the common ones eat right into you.
you cannot stop those feelings but you have already lost your sense of touch.
you cannot understand how this have come to begin.

the songs on the radio tells you what you should be.
those words you heard you think they came from god.
you focused and lost track of time all becos of nothing.
you began to realise it's your heart you don't recognise.
when the sky is blue and clouds are clear,
in your head you see them all dark and grey.
your eyes show nothing cos' you see nothing more.
you chose to walk into that dark room at the back.
close that wooden door.

you chose to seep through fingers and like silk to touch
be none to hold on to.

you are the invisible man.

you have already lost to yourself.

the closed door. the quiet night. that loud silence.
pillow over your head. to sleep you try to bring yourself to dreams.

i am now torn into 2.

when i saw the sheep, i was scared but hopeful. nonchalent but trembling. wanting but distancing. wanted to crawl under my own skin but i realised i was already in my own skin. he leaves me just so lost. the scary thing is about being hopeful and optimistic. one side of me just wanted to play it cool and that hey i moved on and stuff. but it was like some magnetic force pulling and pushing me away. i felt distinctly separated inside, the forces within...

but yeah.. i have to stop being so optimistic about things. it won't change. since i can't hate the guy and make the situation better. i need to find another way to escape.

time to hunt.

****.... just kidding...****


ima hunting queen... xena the warrior now hear me rwoar!!!!
ahem! **constipated rwoar**

When two Pisceans join together in a love match, there is a union of two sensitive and emotional people. They share honest, efficient communication, a rich emotional bond and a deep spiritual connection. They both feel that their precious relationship is the most wonderful thing in the world, and it couldn't get any better. They share a love of beauty and peace unparalleled in the Zodiac, and both are equally committed to maintaining this ideal relationship.

The passive Pisces nature affords this couple peaceful times. However, Pisces can be too easygoing, sometimes gullible, and is extremely sensitive to negative energy. Two Pisces together can become lethargic, lazy or bring out the best and worst in one another. They are often unable to set limits for themselves or others, and can wander off too far in a spiritual direction. Pisces tend to elude any conflicts with a disappearing act, either with unrealistic optimism or by hiding out in a life of fantasy. It is this typical Pisces flexibility that makes both easy to talk to, adaptable to any situation and great friends as well as lovers.

Pisces is ruled by the Planets Jupiter and Neptune. Pisces share a great sense of ethics and values and live life with a philosophical outlook as reflected by the Planet Jupiter. Neptune is in charge of Pisces's relationship with pop culture, abstract thought, imagination and mystery. Pisces is a Sign of service. Each partner showers the other with affection and totally adores any they receive in turn. The giving of fancy gifts, breakfast in bed and weekend getaways are common occurrences in a Pisces-Pisces relationship.

Pisces is a Water Sign. Both partners are only too happy to bend to the will and needs of their loved ones. Pisces are well known for their adaptability, conforming their interests and intentions to the situation at hand. This can be dangerous for The Fish, however, as their sense of self may slide off into the background. The astrological symbol of The Pair of Fishes represents Pisces's dual nature, each swimming in a different direction simultaneously. Pisces must really focus and devote themselves to setting personal goals. It is for the benefit of the relationship that each partner must do their best to encourage one another to succeed.
Pisces is a Mutable Sign. Indirect and aloof, Pisces does well when inspired by a strong initiating force. This couple will normally exist with little or no conflict, and will greatly benefit from putting their hearts and heads together. Fights are few and far between. Both are always there to help one another through trying times or to lend a hand whenever necessary. Their laid-back nature is a welcome aspect for both partners, and this couple feels a great emotional attraction to and deep admiration of one another.

What's the best aspect of the Pisces-Pisces relationship? It's amazing ease with which they get along with one another. They are the envy of the Zodiac when it comes to a peaceful, easy relationship. They are very loyal, loving and mellow and will always be there when their partner needs them most. Together, their bond can appear unbreakable.

~i love fish~ i love being a piscean~fishy fishy fishy fishy!

i was wondering did i mentioned he is an army officer?

big men i like... i really like...

wipe that grin off my face now!!!!

i wish b.w. will have his old smile back! i really really want that!

yippeeeee!!!! i finally deleted that stupid boy from my account of friends....
i command you to stay out of my life! i wouldn't really command you yah but i think it is time for a breakaway.

yeah. i grew alittle again. skip that physical horizontal and vertizal growth bit! i mean in my head!

i might as well come clean with what is on my mind. well, i am sorta seeing mr. koh but not quite there yet. we both agreed that to take things slow and c how it goes. perhaps we have both learnt hard lessons and so need to cushion ourselves for the "just in case" situations.

so, yeah i am not really in a relationship tho it would be good to tell people otherwise so i don't get people having the wrong idea and knocking at my wooden door.

it was fun hangin out with a bunch of guys like last nite. just chat and enjoying. nothing more. don't come near me and don't try to be funny. yeah i think it is a well-respected scene this way. though of cos there is a piece of eye candy a midst the big men i was with. oh well, he is not cute! i dunno... gradually as darkness seeps into dawn, i caught myself in a "hole in the mouth" situation. can't speak too well. nope not becos of the drinks. but just hmmm... i prefer the watching bit. especially the dance bits. the funny thing is 2 are attached but they are just the relaxed guys. so i think u can say it is pretty safe. it felt rather mature. it hit me that most guys i knew doesn't carry that ounce of maturity yet. other than mr. koh of cos.

i met the stupid boy. i pretended he was invisible. i pretended i was calm and so on. just to avoid his eyes. stupidity is contagious. i caught it once from him so i rather just avoid the infection and bug off. yeah, after hangin out with the real men. he kinda looked pretty prissy to me now. as what jimmy says. wat is the big deal. console myself he is no great shakes. well, i still can't bring myself to hate him as wat C tinks i should. i am not like that. but yeah after the big men, them looked so soft and white. those are the white boys i used to play with. them the big men i will c next saturday. i shall tell my tang ge. and let us analyze the boys and men. c what the world is made of and what is god up to.

them stupid boys. sorry! boy. b.w is sad. but he is quick to pick on that and to re-build himself a fortess to hide away the possibility of losing himself again. sometimes i wish boys don't play silly games. think for your life what would be it that you can never lose. down the path of tryin to see how strong you are, actually you are losing yourself. i think the 6 months of this year that passed seemed to bring alot of unhappiness.

i can see it from his eyes.

he thought i couldn't and that i like them cannot be bothered.

but people who cared always do despite themselves. i can say that he irritates the shit outta me he still does. but between us friends, i do care sincerely.

likewise i cared very much for o to be happy. just that when C was talkin to me about apologising and returning to the former... well lookin at him and hearing C and disscussin with berth... we both laughed at everything. cos' nothin in their world actually matches!

i am happy cos' last nite was fun. it really was that it is a decent nite that i can't feel sick to my tums when i turned my eyes to look back at what happened. it made me smile. i started to take pics again. these beautiful pics. ah... life's pretty much stable.

i tink rich is pretty lonely. he is funny and self deprecating but realli lonely.

i hate it when i feel for others. it makes me wanna do something. but i can't play god everytime someone has an issue. j just called and here it goes again. i cannot afford to hear out so many issues of day. come on b concerned abt gobal warming or something. those issues sometimes just gets stale.

like at work, i am not having a great time there at all. each day passes i am like going invisible. i tendered and intend to move on. but i am still very much alive. sometimes i think those eyes there are kinda like milky white - aka BLIND. those minds are like this like that - aka BRITNEY SPEARS AND ONE NITE IN PARIS... shallow waters but not lookin so good...

ugliness are like so like ... i am speaking britney talk.

the only thing that keeps me goin are still my kids... otherwise... i might as well just collapsed...

i am like thinking abt oh gosh! shucks can't say anymore...

just take things slow and calm and steady. he has a nice smile.

gosh! rotten to death kinda smile. he looks like a monkey. i am not sure if that is good.

sheep is stupid, monkey has got the blues right out of the heartbreak hotel and the pig is just doing some thinking. dog is just looking like a monkey.

shucks...

berth and i are just not helping the situation by stepping into shopping centres... i haf got finger burn from my spending... gosh gosh gosh... taskata!

i miss my kids. alot. suddenly everyone is leaving me. now i only have 2 little boys to eat. one who is extremely naughty...

i shall have him for breakfast, lunch and dinner 5 times a week. he would probably die before saturaday comes.

i miss my girls alot... my jing mei and ying mei. i am infected with the sally disease. i miss them so muchy and i will put their sweet cutesy little notes under my pillow to sleep. i wanna cry... but i am abit tired to cry.

i miss my girlss... ok i am bored of sayin that.

i can't wait till monday... i can bully sen di!

i am happy to know that you are happy. just that too much happiness turn sappy. i wanted to tell some of my friends but i think i shouldn't rain on their parade. actually thought of several things to say but i have totally forgotten after that funny conversation i had with a young friend.
mind boggling. i almost forgot how to work my brain.

anyway, i have decided from today i should be distancing myself from a certain group of people again. i had enough of complications and weird kooks cropping up that wind me up so tight my veins are bursting. i told mr. koh from today i will just skip those cruel thorns. party with the girls and get rid of ugliness in my life.

well.. come to think about it, they are not really wow people as well.

spoke to mr. koh for a long time today. well, had an argument this morning. gosh... i was so over my head. then well kissed and made up. ok, he is the one. to take long walks with, go on trips and just be happy with. he is hyped about the pangkor laut trip thingy that mdm lim is crazy about. i think he is psyched to go there to sleep! he was already planning on golf... gosh i don't want to play with balls there... anyway it is a beach resort. he is only thinking about the bed there.. for sleep mind you. mr. koh is not that kind... yet.

this weekend he will be meeting the BFs. i am excited but 1st i pray he can make the time. he is an errand boy during the weekends and work keeps him up so late. he invented his own language for bedtime talk. i can hardly understand midst the slurs... dream talk.

well, let's just pray things work out ok now. i just don't want to step into something that might either kill me or kill him. or kill the both of us. or kill the people around us. gosh this sounds like world war launching... in short, just don't be the wrong guy.

well.. he did say he wanted things to last... and i am seriously sick of the wrong ones knocking. and i do like him. he is really not like other men i know or knew. but i just don't want to be a tai tai and stay at home and welcome home honey and do bedroom servicing. but he is not that kind. if i ever become a tai tai i solemnly swear that i will spend and swipe the cards to a blazing melten mess of plastic!

he wanted to send me to the clinic today but before we had a little confusion over which clinic. he kept thinking that i wanna pop over to the clinic at clarke quay and almost hit the roof about it. gosh they shouldn't name that place clinic. problematic.

i can't wait to go on a holiday with him. gosh alot of planning to do now. i am still thinking japan or usa. gosh...

b.w just do it. just do it. party as u like and give her the goddamn ring. make her a happy happy bunny and her tail will go POP! and just be happy. im glad for u and hope u will be in an ever lasting bliss and dun go swaying that is all.

oh yeah i rem i had this really weird dream last night that i was like woah!

i dreamt of apple. all in different settings. all the time in my dream he was having sex with this girl. i donno who is she and cannot remember her face. it was so weird. we were chatting just like dat on this really huge bed. this girl came over and laid on him. but we were like both too engrossed with catching up to bother. then the next thing uncle marv came and talked and before i realised that lady mounted him and just whacked him off. that was vertical sit ups amazing race. next we were in a super market and that damn bed came along with him and his partner racing against time. he was telling not to worry things are going to work out. telling me to let go of my unhappiness. and telling me someone will be talking to me soon.

his voice was his soothing self and that self pumper went on like she is horse riding but he was like a god in my dreams. so assuring and confident. he suddenly became this father like figure to me. gosh the only thing i can get over is watching that lady stuff his dong up her. gosh. that was some kind of porn gospel worship thing i donno.

iz jus that his words got to me. i was crying in my dream. i felt so sheltered suddenly as in taken care of and so loved. maybe apple is not the right god but he was adorned in this golden hue that blazed so warm.

but he definitely scared me in my dreams. woah like really woah.

i realised after reading some of my past entries... nope i didn't cringed... just that i realised i am having some difficulties understanding what i am talking about?!?!

so... if he is reading.. frankly i don't think he will understand. cos' he isn't very bright. i mean the others yeah. but yeah not him. he is not very smart. so maybe i am still safe.

my meanness is returning to me. i can start planning how i am going to whip mr. koh!

yup... charge all my undies to his card! wahahahaha!!!!! make him buy 1 ton of thongs.... yeah... drown him with those. make him go mad.

J.H.Z.G is not a smart boy. yup. that is my conclusion.

smartness are from within what we call braincells not those u spattered white and gooey after panting for like whatever... i think sex is ultimately gross... look at how the butt is positioned.... gosh... it reminds me of a pump.. those at the petrol kiosk... when mr. koh goes to the petrol station i think i will take a walk. i can never look at those pumps in the same way.

i am a celibate now. cos' after that not very smart boy. hmmm... there isn't really a point. S looks more man than he does anyway. hmmm...

i shall not think dirty thoughts!

soree... my last entry was hmmm... unfinished if u noticed. lost internet connection. nobody likes me enuff. oh well. that is so not true.

ok.. continue. talk.

well.. she said stuff i didn't think everyone would get it. i mean was i tat obvious? come on there are other sheep around rite? why him? ok in the 1st place i was stupid to be that stupid to that extend of stupidly falling for that stupid himself. guess this world without the stupids it would be any nicer. and i know this gives b.w a kick right up the ass and he muz be laffin right through his ass.

i gave b.w. the greatest orgasm just becos of this shit. i love my stupidity sometimes. and i cannot stop this side of me. well, yun's a nice girl but too girl. no point going after and chew his ass. after all, none of u are SUPPOSED TO KNOW! ok, i need to send this bunch of friends for acting classes! act nonchalent!!!! that is the key word!

he ran, i fell and opps they all found out. i am still touched that someone tried to get a bite out of him for me. perhaps justice still reigns. well, it don't matter anymore. i am over it. and over him. i chose to let it go. somehow the tears that part i haven't quite got the hang of it. hurt yeah, angry nope, disappointed yes. very. but things are already like this. but asking him to read my blog?!?!?! i was very inclined to go to bed right then and pray that was a bad dream i had. gosh! don't ever read my blog. even tho i said yeah and i beg and pray he does that. but actually i don't mean it. gosh i would die and die and bring b.w. back to where he belongs before i allow him to read! i need to go primitive and use a pen and paper to keep my random thoughts to myself.

if he knew how i felt. please don't. it is so hard to be standing so close yet treating each other with implicit silence. he is really not a very nice person. well, yun helps to ease the pain with the wisdom pearls out of her mouth yesterday. yeah, it made me realise he might just go old and lonely and just die like dat. ok, i am not that mean. nope i don't wish that to happen.

GOD! what am i saying?!?! i should really just curse and swear at him but shucks i can't. things like this get me into trouble.

yep... i would like to thank people who are nosy enough for me to at least say they care. yup. the thing is the person i least expected to say anything happen to be his brother. wow. justice reigns really.

can't say that i really let go. maybe i do still hope. but i have to otherwise i might need like 100 pills to swallow for a trip down under and that being a one way ticket. nope stupid yeah not that stupid.

yeah heard someone tellin me something i shouldn't hear again. gosh. leave me alone. why can't men and women just be friends for goodness' sake. muzt the line be that clear? gosh...

then this and now that. i'm going crazy here. look i have someone i think im happy with. just leave me be ok? gosh. i want to just move straight on and never looking back in anger or regret. live life with no regrets. that is lame and passe but yeah.

but i think now i am starting to like girls. gosh! this is so bad.
met this lady really hot. met this butch... gosh i am in love.
mr. koh's gon kill me if only he knows.

wahhaaha threesome is such an impossibility.

S is really cute with her cosplay gackt style... gosh gosh gosh...

another 19 yr old in the bag. berth u are right. too many dragons sinking their claws into us. hahaha
im still hot yeah... just don't call me a mama... someone did and suddenly i was like locked in MILF mode. gosh....

that is so not very nice...

got a young guy working here now. under my direct training and orders. ahaha i could send him to berth for specific training courses that might help him in life. wheeww! she will kill me...

i overspent and what is new?

milf.. jus call me milf... hahaha S i am so into u...
i am trying like really trying to curse someone but the words come to mind but my mouth is like wide shut!

i am just so cute... yep.. that is what S said...
shucks can't stop thinking.... save me.

someone.

i am really so damn upset yesterday. i came close to having a slap across my face and having to deserve that to wake me up. as i told jimmy i am going to cry once and let go. bingo and i did that.

the sad thing was i was non-existent to him. perhaps in this way it is good cos' it helps me to erase all possibilities of inviting more trouble. i can't hope anymore can i?

it was good seeing everyone. initially i was caught by surprise i just wanted to go chill and go figure out a good ending. well my nite ended with a bang literally. broken glasses and shattered dreams. a spell broken. i saw O but anyway skip that. good to see that he seems pretty much ok. i don't ask for more just that be happy. genuinely happy.

well get a girl more suitable at least. i can't afford to be what i am not to keep anyone else happy. it gets harder to smile as the time passes through to hit the dawn. i spent a bomb at the ministry. dropped close to $400. opened a bottle for yundi as a birthday gift. well... she caught me by surprise that nite. least expected words were spoken. suddenly the dam broke. things that i was holding back inside just came gushin out like a pregnant river tore through.