heard this song... sounds so familiar, those simple words, blunt, rough, cutting but yeah spells out what heartache is.

no i did not have my heart broken again. this time i learnt a good lesson. i am just happy being a bunny rabbit now.

愛太痛 - 吳克群
Love is too Painful

**damn bloddy true**




吃不能吃 睡不能睡
沒有了你 全都不對
我都學不會 把愛敷衍
用笑容來把眼淚催眠

笑不能笑 哭不敢哭
人不像人 鬼不像鬼
朋友都說這 不過失戀
但我卻連呼吸都膽怯

能不能不愛了 因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把愛割捨

我不能睡~


吃不能吃 睡不能睡
沒有了你 全都不對
我都學不會 把愛敷衍
用笑容來把眼淚催眠

能不能不愛了 因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了

我不能夠

不能夠 不愛了

能不能不愛了 因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了

我不能夠

不能夠 不愛了

吃不能吃 睡不能睡

i found the lyrics to an old song that i really like in moments of angst and despair. i still like that song since it described the many mistakes that i have made. oh well, life's too short to worry about tiny details.

My Favourite Mistake
Sheryl Crow

(Funny thing is that she sang this for Eric Clapton and I am replaying it for none)

I woke up and called this morning
The tone of your voice was a warning
That you don't care for me anymore

I made up the bed we sleep in
I looked at the clock when you creep in
It's 6 a.m. and I'm alone

Did you know when you go
It's the perfect ending
To the bad day I was just beginning
When you go all I know is
You're my favorite mistake

Your friends are sorry for me
They watch you pretend to adore me
But I'm no fool to this game

Now here comes your secret lover
She'd be unlike any other
Until your guilt goes up in flames
Did you know when you go
It's the perfect ending
To the bad day I'd gotten used to spending
When you go all I know is
You're my favorite mistake

You're my favorite mistake

Well maybe nothin' lasts forever
Even when you stay together
I don't need forever after
It's your laughter won't let me go
So I'm holding on this way

Did you know, could you tell
You were the only one
That I ever loved
Now everything's so wrong

Did you see me walking by?
Did it ever make you cry?

You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake

i stole this picture from a friend. somehow it terrifies yet intrigued me...

the black of the window stark against the colour white of the wall and the grey-blue sky. it is beauty yet afraid. it is oppressive yet free. it is romantic yet tragic. it is a band of emotions and in a disarray of thoughts. it puts me in a poetic mood to wax lyric. it is a litany of what is in me.

somehow i feel calm looking at it. perhaps the clear sky calls for a soothing lullaby to hold still my heart. the raging fire that burns impulsively to my nature.
it made me think through about what i want and seek. i know what i want to achieve in this life that i hold the key to. and i know that there are some things that at the same time scare me. sometimes i just don't want to admit how loneliness is like. perhaps i treasured it, adored it and even worshipped it. but it hid me from humanity sometimes too much. for more than often, i find myself communnicating to the outside world through the keys of my laptop. typing away my hellos and goodbyes, sharing my happiness and grief, rage and love. seeing my friends through picture manager and online telescope of their lives. sometimes i don't know myself.

it is often easier to manipulate your feelings with the power of thoughts. yet undeniably, you will sink and get swallowed whole. this is the painful truth.

am i as funny as i think i am? amusing to the world like i wish they feel so?

this picture i recognize the collision of my thoughts, fears and powers. that i am alive therefore i need to learn what i seek.

i think i neglected melvina too long this week. first question asked when he answered my call:"what happened to you? the whole week, no calls from you!"... after telling him my "packed" week, he asked:"so am i not part of the girls now?"

i better start including him in the girls' outing... he's not keeping booboo cos' it seems like he is a lost cause to save on this earth. he decided to keep a tinkbell chihuahua now. ma goodness, wonder how that puppy looks like...

i told him better get that pup baptized and bring to the temple to be blessed... booboo is the wrongest name and is accursed! so i decided to call his male pup Pixie Annabelle Dorerty Ho... so pretty...

i am never going to make my own boo boo at howl anymore. no more grabbing the mike there. just going to play an angry emo chick.

i think i am going to get a long lecture from melvina later.

too much singing is causing me insomnia...

i enjoyed this evening's session alot. been a long time since i vented everything through songs... i sing them sad and blue yet i left the place a happy bunny.

karaoke makes me weak in the knees...

sab sings tong hua beautifully.

i cannot wait for another mike hogging session...

girls make such good friends. i am full of crap as usual. i am upbeat, spunky and all lovely tonight. i was damn cute. i am shameless too.
tonight, i held my first concert...

karaoke puts a spark in me.

i should sing some happy songs. but that makes me seemed high on drugs... >.<
i suddenly miss BW and his Bee Gees...

i did a foolish thing yet it made me proud of myself.
i was supposed to read some messages off my mobile, really just reading without experiencing any funny emotions. tried to copy them to my mobile (i am foolish, undeniably so kill me). i deleted them off my SIM since it is full and the icon just keeps flashing to brainwash me to do something about it. so i did. just to find out that actually my so-called smartphone (hey... it wasn't that smart after all! :)) did not saved them.

except for one. i decided to just keep that one.
Oh, i still have those from BW. :) those can never be deleted.

well, i kind of feel good about it. feeling good that i did not throw my mobile out of the window. that i did not call myself stupid out loud in my head. did not bang my head against wall and turn psycho for that minute. i pat my mobile instead. i actually looked at it fondly. imagine that.

it has been more than 24 hours since that happened. i still feel good about it. not a refreshing or wake me up or pick me up or playing some angry chick game here, but it made me happy.

perhaps my ego stepped in and decided it is time not to be a wimpy feeemaleeee...
i like this feeling of strength. it is quiet yet positive and highly energizing.
it made me think more often of martinis, beer and lychees too.

somehow i can feel my thirst at the tip of my tongue and brain. soon i will go into spasms.

i look forward this friday's girls nite out. there are so many things ahead in my schedule to plan. i am honestly happy (despite my horoscope readings telling me everything is just bad). tonight will be a good night to dream.

it seems alittle foolish.

i opened up the messages on my phone and started doing some reading.
pretended to be brave to delete, lost the courage once my finger lingered too close to the trashbin icon. i am such a coward. did a childish thing and block him on my MSN. told myself it is better not to give in to my weakness. spirit is very willing but the heart is always the weak spot.

but the world still evolves.

i know now that how emotional my past updates have been, it does not do any justice calling myself an ego girl. but i have been pretty happy lately. at least these few days. i smiled alot more, ate more too (this is not that good actually). i regained some of my old self. i can't change much of myself for anything else, can't be a bimbo or wearing someone else's skin. i am only but who i am.

i am born with a horrifying temper. a close mouth smile or a half grin or a mona lisa whatever you like. i have fat cheeks i cannot deny. i can assure gentlemen, they are as good as those kurobutas that you have tried in japanese restaurants. mine come fresh. i am short, undeniably despite my despair cries for height, god is not bugging. i renamed it as FUN size. I am naturally cute, magnetically scary (my mouth is a clear indication of a genius at work, ask those ladies who hang out with me) and mysteriously men like my smart mouth but not long enough to stick around (an ex said i should quit being a smart aleck and just play dumb and fragile). i am fiercely protective of my friends. i try to help as much as i can. i cannot stand for weak folks. sorry, the world evolves as you continue to play a lonely hero in this world. i love my work. i am not someone who is going to just whine all day long. i am a shopperholic so kill me. i hate the hate as it is the only thing that oppresses without fail and i cannot do a thing about it! i love food, so what i have some fats? it makes my curves pop out, kill me anoxeric stickheads.. i really don't like my boobs. yeah it is the only thing that makes me whine like hell. who says big boobs spells fun. all i know my chi chis don't know how to spell, talk, paint my nails or just about do anything except for slowly killing me. (back pain man...)

i suck on my nails when i get a little jittery. i make spelling mistakes, my pronounication sometimes sucks but i love laughing at peggy when she makes her. i am mean, really. i don't really like ang moh men and don't see what is so attractive about dating them. i really like chinese boys (come to mama!). when i get nervous, usually it is time to worship the porcelain god. i think it is cool to fart. i also think it is cool to have so many beautiful nasty words in all the different languages. i really like japanese everything. i would love to date a korean plastic man. i torture my cat. but i overfeed her. i love my mom but find it weird to hug her. i really love kids but not when they start that whining. i love little boys alot but i cannot stand them naked with their birdies wagging hello at me. i openly adored sex. alot.

i smoke and want to quit. but i have no motivation, i am weak. secretly, i want to be a pop star, i really can sing. another ambition, i want to be a businesswoman, all taglines have been done up just for the day i am featured on forbes. i really do think i will strike lottery someday. i really think it is tougher for me to get a boyfriend than to get laid. i am hopeful that not all men are cheap contrary to what i always say out loud. i am a crybaby despite my ego. i experienced moods, really. actually i am very helpful. i cannot stand noise in the mornings so just shut up. i believe a couple should have sex at least once a day. hey that makes me extremely happy ok. it is a eureka euphoric orgasmic experience! ooh lala!

i love my gay buddy but everytime we talk about love i have this tough time trying to think of him as a guy or a girl. i get confused and lost then it turned into shock and i go into spasms. i don't really to drink water. i don't drink coffee, weird but i take kopi peng! actually i love to smile alot. actually i am also not that friendly. really.

i really love my alcohol but i am terrified of certain cocktails and bacardi terrorizes me with bad memories. i cannot do teiquila shots despite my alcoholism. i get obssessed easily. i love to just lie in bed all day long. in fact if possible, i would rather just stay in bed for everything. i love to sleep and i sleep alot. i hate doing the dishes but i like cooking. i really love steamboat and chili, don't stand in my way. i really don't like hairy people. i love shoes. i love lingerie but no one to wear for and it is a hassle just to admire in the mirror. i am paranoid and really believe in ghosts. but i love it as long as i am not the victim in the story. i love holidays. i really wish that i can visit Africa and do some voluntary work someday. i hope to be able to sponsor an entire village one day. i am scared that i can't have kids in the future. If Singapore is open as other countries, i would like to just have a kid since i don't think anyone will marry me. i am open to adoption kids or cats or dogs as long as i have enough space and cold.hard.cash. i really don't like ang moh shows, desperate housewives or whatever despite the asian fascination with them. firstly they sound weird and i can't quite understand them sometimes. i love asians. i love myself alot but always fail to protect me first. sometimes me think i don't love me that much.

i am honest and open. sometimes i think i am too damn straightforward. yeah i know my biggest problem. aiyah, take it or leave it. but i hate falling in love. cos' i always end up being a 小女人。 i am a pisces so i need alot of love, actually i am a hopeful romantic... so sickingly...

i don't know why i decided to rattle my head off. but yeah it sure feels good letting the world know that i am like that. kill me if you can. puiz

空白格 (Blank Space)
蔡健雅 (Tanya Chua)

其實很簡單 其實很自然
兩個人的愛由兩人分擔
其實並不難 是你太悲觀
隔著一道牆不跟誰分享
不想讓你為難
你不再需要給我個答案

我想你是愛我的
我猜你也捨不得
但是怎麼說 總覺得
我們之間留了太多空白格
也許你不是我的
愛你卻又該割捨
分開或許是選擇
但它也可能是我們的緣份

其實很簡單 其實很自然
兩個人的愛由兩人分擔
其實並不難 是你太悲觀
隔著一道牆不跟誰分享
不想讓你為難
你不再需要給我個答案

我想你是愛我的
我猜你也捨不得
但是怎麼說 總覺得
我們之間留了太多空白格
也許你不是我的
愛你卻又該割捨
分開或許是選擇
但它也可能是我們的緣份

我想你是愛我的
我猜你也捨不得
但是怎麼說 總覺得
我們之間留了太多空白格
也許你不是我的
愛你卻又該割捨
分開或許是選擇
但它也可能是我們的緣份

i just wanted to say that i have picked myself up.

my jigsaw is not completed so i am not throwing them back into the box now.
surprisingly i have been happy these 2 days.

i said something that resounded to my motto in life.
i don't want to spend my life growing up and being unhappy.

:) the person i said to actually thinks i am a 101% positive energy. Whoa! haha...
he has not read my blog...

oh well..

he is saying those same words that i said to someone else. Mini's owner.
those same words. i actually laughed. the situation has reversed.
this time. there will be no love involved. too complicated for my blood.
too much love, i think i will die of poisoning.

2 weeks seems fast to pick myself up. but there is no point holding myself back anymore. since that is the way the game is played. i cease to remember the days without him. he has made his stand. time for me to say goodbye.

there are just too many people in this world to feel too many emotions for.
C said is right, time to be alittle selfish.

last nite with the girls is soooo nice.
i miss peggy who doesn't ask questions and joanne who is just always smiling.
good food & drinks @ No. 5. i love that place to bits.
with my gang of anti-ang mohs and spgs... hahaha.... it is a spinning sort of happy feeling. until a bloddy ang moh called me "sweetie"...

a sudden urge overcame me and wanted to get my cab driver to chase that ang moh so that i can tell him to fuck him white boy... he hates americans, and i hate all men white.... another bloddy ass, black boy... sharp mouth... pls cross the road and ask yourself why on earth you are alive...

these men... bloddy men... i hate them!

other than that episode of hate, i am fine thank you wery much.

why does it hurt so bad?
I had enough. after this nothing more. no more.

I have already stopped hoping. please stop this pain.
i thought i could be happier. it is short - lived.

i wonder how is mini doing.

walked into the shop i bought that Tee.
feels unreal for a moment, i pretended nothing ever happened.
my first time walking into that place.
Uniqlo represented a new shopping experience.
except i didn't had the energy to be enthusiastic.
i smiled. i touched and feel the material and fabrics.

saw pokemon on tees. colours everywhere, splashes and blotches.
saw purple, said nothing and walked out. i pretended to be bored.

when i saw those words "i'm limited edition". i thought about that one in my wardrobe. i wanted to apologise to Mr. Green because he will be most likely in there for a long time.

saw the lovely stationery. thought of the letters i could write.
i wrote no more and stuck all unsent under my bed.
like a candle that no one will ever light.

i blew out before the light went out.

i hope mini is doing fine. taken care of and wonder how's kitty cat.

cryptic language today.

a happier note:

during tough times, girlfriends are best things to have. gay friends too.
bought my tickets for a plane ride in november.
did a whole lot of planning for the future i say, god knows if things will happen.

sab says dreaming of angels is a good sign. i hope so. she was the angel in my dream. i really wonder what that means.
she held a wand (more like a vanilla stick) and a martini. drowned in white light she shone in the crowd of blackness. stark against the frenzy of my dream.
girls dream well and create fantasies and make believe.
sometimes this is probably the best we could do in reality.

i had macdonald's today. my cough still hurts and is itching so badly.
i want to sing soon. my mom's going away next week again. hopefully she helps to win that $100 million for me. i want to go away fast. i still can't sleep in the night. i feel so tired. yet awake. i sleep to dream, yearn to dream. away in my dreams, i feel peace. clear still peace.

i was told i fear commitment. i laughed to myself. amazing. i wish i do. perhaps it is right. i fear commitment right now. i don't think that i would stop looking at men or lusting after those in my preference. but love would not be an option. they say love is pure and white. beneath it, i think a devil lurks.

i cannot wait to go away in november. wonder when can i do so again? i did some serious planning last night. i shall not dream during the day anymore. time to hit the books and work to achieve what i want. i now want to be ordinary again.

fade to black.

thedy who is trying to gear me in, sent me this:

叶子淡淡的对树说：
“时间到了，我知道我应该选择离开。
风，只是催促着我的离去，
而你的不挽留，才是加深我离开的决心的原因。
我充其次也只是你成千上万的叶子中的那么一片，
可能，确实我唯一能栖身的树。
随风离开，也许我还能找到生命的出路，
但，不会再是树。”

these words are beautiful that they hurt so much.
to acknowledge this truth, i am at a loss for words.

Where did my december go to? like the leaves, it has left me far far away.

do you believe in destiny?

i wish i can say that i don't and walk away from this topic coolly.

i do and i still do.

someone once said this to me:

life just works in funny ways. u travel round the world, search everywhere, n u finally find someone suitable for u from where u missed her n she was so close too

sometimes u find someone really close to u, then u gradually become afraid that as the days go by
u'll lose that person
so every min, every second counts


all these words shook me up. i tried not to believe in destiny after all falling down is a painful thing to do.

but i fell again. this time it is harder to get up.

i wake up in the morning. i try to stay blank in my head.
just one word or thing or maybe as i steal a thought everything just floods back through.

i sat down on my bed and read through a day of conversation. just one day will do.
i miss those days. i miss each word we said, shared and exchanged. how naural this feeling is. everyday...

my eyes went blurred and couldn't read anymore. each word i went on, my tears could not be held back. love is really a painful emotion to feel.

kyoko is being taught that that is the most important emotion any human can have.
i rather not take it anymore.

i asked myself again if i believe in destiny.
i still do.
just that the stars may have disagreed and he got away.

he is the one who got away.
and my heart just keep breaking apart each day.

today is a good day. found another 2 good songs to share...

陳柏宇 / Jason Chan
I Miss You





Lyrics:

誰會為愛人 不惜一切　
而我或太傻　愛你願放棄一切
朋友亦叫我控制　
說放膽愛別失勢　
我不想給歪理來蒙蔽
容我愛你深不見底

I Miss You 感動你　這份愛　太神奇
真心來溶化你　誰要勉強假裝愛理不理
我只想 保護你　發誓要　你歡喜
不必刻意　無需構思　
坦率對著你說一句　I Miss You

Baby I Miss You

誰可使我 超出估計　
如今腦海裡 有涉及你的一切
朋友亦叫我控制　
說放膽愛別失勢　
我不想給歪理來蒙蔽
容我愛你深不見底

Oh Baby, One day I'll walk away
How can I face this lonely day
Deep in my heart ,I pray everyday

Baby I Miss You
I Miss You

We can last , till the end of days


吳听徹
我是壞人 (I am a bad person)





Lyrics:

我想我們都只不過是一個角色　扮演著和自己不一樣的人
傷心的笑著疼　竊笑的任性著　把甜蜜蘊釀成滿分
直到彼此都無法再繼續牽手了　只好說服你我不是個好人
對不起很過份　可能也很殘忍　但回憶至少夠深刻
我不記得　幾日幾點幾分　有什麼　愛的過程
就算有也只是亂了分寸　我沒有認真
不要記得　我偽裝的安份　我其實　壞到不能
就相信我最後一刻的天真　我是壞人
直到彼此都無法再繼續牽手了　只好說服你我不是個好人
對不起很過份　可能也很殘忍　但回憶至少夠深刻
我不記得　幾日幾點幾分　有什麼　愛的過程
就算有也只是亂了分寸　我沒有認真
不要記得　我偽裝的安份　我其實　壞到不能
就相信我最後一刻的天真
在深刻愛情來臨之際　我們都懂得
預言了結束時的淚流成河
冷戰對妳來說是種負荷　我們都承認
就乾脆怨恨　會比較好分
我不記得　幾日幾點幾分　有什麼　愛的過程
就算有也只是亂了分寸　我沒有認真
不要記得　我偽裝的安份　我其實　壞到不能
就相信我最後一刻的天真
想請妳永遠記得　我是愛妳的壞人


after listening to these songs, i realized it is better not to fall in love.
too troublesome.

it is a sweet, salty and bitter taste that lingers in your mouth. at least in my mouth it does.

just discovered this singer from hongkong. Jason Chan...

fell in love with the MV and song... somehow it seems familiar.

陳柏宇 / Jason Chan
你瞞我瞞 (Nei Moon Ngoh Moon)
English: You Hide, I Hide




約會像是為　分享到飽肚滋味
有任何難題　卻不提起
這若是浪漫　我怎麼覺得就快分離
你哭過　但眼影閃得更艷美

我是誰情人　你始終也是你
微笑靜默互望　笑比哭更可悲
就算怎開心皺著眉
儘管緊緊抱得穩你
兩臂 卻分得開我共你

無言的親親親　侵襲我心
仍寧願親口講你累得很
如除我以外在你心
還多出一個人　你瞞住我
我亦　瞞住我　太合襯

這就是談情　客氣得嚇著我
除了近來繁忙　我所知有幾多
若要哭不哭訴為何
大家爭吵鬥嘴好過
勝過　笑不出聲抱著我

無言的親親親　侵襲我心
仍寧願親口講你累得很
如除我以外在你心
還多出一個人　你瞞住我
我亦　瞞住我　太合襯

這麼 寂寞的戀愛算甚麼
用你指尖纏我　用熱吻逃避我

無言的親親親　侵襲我心
仍寧願親口講你累得很
如除我以外在你心
還多出一個人　你瞞住我
我亦　瞞住我　太合襯


Unfortunately it is in Cantonese and I am not too good in translating it.
Still searching for it. oh well... but the melody and the MV moves in the way, you would more or less tell the story.

narcissism

The term narcissism' refers to the personality trait of self-love, which includes the set of character traits concerned with self-image or ego. The terms narcissism, narcissistic, and narcissist are often used as pejoratives, denoting vanity, conceit, egotism or simple selfishness.

Freud believed that some narcissism is an essential part of all of us from birth.

I copied this from wikipedia.

Yes, I am a Naru-chan myself.

a brand week is coming in a matter of hours. somewhat depressing.
i need to get out of this rut.

i need to recover soon, to hit the microphone with my powered up vocals on karaoke night. so that i can inhale all those bubbles i want. i am craving for coke. i have no idea why. but i would not say no to martinis. suddenly i don't feel any food craving. which is good. i am depleting body mass in a "no pain no gain my ass" way.
i found a sudden love for soups. carrot soup with curry powder or pumpkin soup.

i am not that body image conscious.
yes i am, stupid.

my skin is so dry. i am turning into berth. what would emotions means in dollars if you can only see the celines, pradas or chloes in this world? that is not me. but oh well... sometimes being ignorant is pretty healthy. too much acknowledgement is overkill to this society. is this how we are all brought up?

it is easier to deal with each other through means of emails, smses, msn, pm or whatever as long as we don't hear each other's voices. the irony is that we could accept just about anything and everything as long as it stays virtually away and distancing itself from harming us emotionally or adding to the demental image we create to shell us in.

perhaps that is what that is stopping me from making a call.
a voice places too much fear in each of us.
perhaps one day i will marry a man from god knows where and we would have one of the most successful marriages in internet history. our babies would be so beautiful all created courtesy of Photoshop and whatever gadgets that could depict real life or what we think it is.

the naru chan in me is painting images of beautiful life we learn, read and watch about from books, fairytales and movies. is that what i can achieve? we yearn so much for normalcy but in fact that is what that is driving us further away from life itself. we are all adnormal beings to begin with. but with all that we are taught, we are finding it difficult to fight and resist we think it is right and should be done or should have been done.

sometimes we learn too much for our own good.

like why should i take showers everyday? what in the name of science proving that it is only right to do so? who says smoking is bad? we are all going to die eventually. if that is stopping the way how we would die? does it really matter once you know you are going away from this world, leaving an imprint of what you used to be?

i subscribed too much to what others say, this works against my naru chan.
somehow i think i am an oddity that no one notices.
just because i don't scream in the middle of the street does not mean i do not exist.

how do we categorize humans?

我不会放手。

我已经失去一切。

i can't make myself walk out of this circle at all.
it has been 2 weeks, it feels like something is going to give soon.
nothing comes up.

i cannot give up because i don't know what i can achieve together unless i have this chance. now i don't even have this chance at all.

i wish i did not exist.

crying against the cold wind of the night would not seem so lonely and painful then.
crying out loud against the storming voice of the wind would not seem so small and meaningless.
the reds of the cars rushing by would not seem like a distant part of the world never to exist.

わたしわさびし。
こころほんとうさびし。
まいにちまいにち。
わたしわかんし。
なみだ。
もわからない。

12 days without him. has passed all in all without a sigh in this world.
this world still evolves. turning on its axis no stopping to its movement.

reading through the list of things to do in december somewhat makes me smile.
whether there will be an opportunity to accomplish all those things we chose or that we may have just gone through it all with another partner to come.

my cough is not ceasing. this sickness is taking a long time. sometimes i wonder if it is a ready made excuse for me to be hidden in my room away from the world. for i who cannot move on.

tonight i will be dragged out of my little world to see how the rest of us live be it in happiness or saddness. most of us out there are just lonely isn't it? despite who we are, it does not mean that we do not have the right to be loved by someone nor having that right to love someone too. this is not an emotion that we are lack of, rather that we fear too much to have lack of the energy to take action to sieze the moment.

watched skip beat! episode 3. it made me realized all the emotions i felt in all my past attempted at happiness still does not stopped me from wanting that jigsaw bit that belongs to me.

i still want to bring him for all the food i promised. make that durian creme i promised. so many things that i promised i do not wish to let go. i just wanted an opportunity to fulfill them. not just with anyone. this makes me awfully stupid. i am stubborn, i cannot let go, time will pass me by, perhaps these pictures in my head will grow smaller and one day the pain will pass too. but now i just do not want to let go.

because letting go means that i will never know if things are meant to be. now he is just shutting door on me.


1. Greet Prince a Happy Welcome Back!
2. Date in the Zoo
3. Movie Date with Mr. President
4. A Sweet Mango Tart to Share
5. Durian Creme for a special soul
6. To eat A Strawberry Marshmallow Cake made by a Prince
7. Bring Mr. President for a terrific Steamboat at Holland V
8. Rent a DVD ;-)
9. Share a little something between Princess and her Prince
10. Seafood Escape to KL
11. Have a Merry Xmas 2009
12. Have a steaming herbal chicken at Old Airport Road
13. Make a Wish on New Year's Eve
14. Cook up a nice buttery Cod Steak
15. Wish Mr. President a Safe Journey Back to the other side of the world
16. Before it ends, what else can I add on?

17. I just want him back

10 days without him since.

this flu is not going away. no one to come and kiss it all away.
i missed his laughter. i missed his messages.
i am still being a fool. i know that.

friends are trying to be nice. work still goes on.
the world still evolves. except for me.
this flu is still here. still can't eat properly.
throat is burning and i have ice cream waiting.
that is not the cure. ultimately, i think i am not helping me out of this situation.

why won't he call? is it really so difficult just to get the truth out?
my best friend told me to let it go. he knows i can't. i cannot walk on another mile still being stuck in the yesterday's me. i am wearing my skin inside out right now.

tuesday morning, i felt so zapped. so zapped that i started reading our past conversations. silly little things that made me laugh and cry. precious little things. i promised not to read at all but i couldn't. all because i miss him alot.

i came so close to breaking down in the office, my small cubicle. my airless room, glaring lights over my head. i almost wanted to just get my bag and walk out and never to return. instead i went for a smoke. that did not help.

there is just no escape to this endless cycle. you love me then you love me not. i want you then i rather have you not. i am going crazy in my silent world and more and more i do not know what to do.

i danced to the tune of slow death. i spiralled to the music that takes me down.
i see him being all happy and stuff. yet i can't get any upset. sometimes i hate myself.

every night the ritual that follows, take a pill, smoke 1 or 2 sticks and pray i sleep a seamless one. it is getting harder to get out of this cycle.