i just needed this to let out loud. right now i am seeing someone. i think this is the best way i can sinercely acknowledge his presence in my life.

through here i guess this is where my thoughts and emotions come to life and fully encrypted on its own without me losing my defense. i can't say that it was whatever fairy tale love at 1st sight thingy since i have not gotten over that someone. i may have been the foolish one here now, cos being all talk that no one should jumped into a relationship to numb any previous pain or to forget someone else.. i just about i think broke my rule. sinercely on a whole, i like him genuinely. i am content, at peace.

no i am not at peace yet. maybe my heart still harbour that thought of being close to that someone. i can't say i gave my heart to this guy now. i can't do that. but i have lost my defenses in his presence. i know i should walk away when i can't convince myself why should i love somebody else.. but i decided to give myself a chance. maybe he might be my ticket to happiness one day.

this decision is a big step that i am taking. i realised this step leads to alot of backwards thoughts seeping into my mind.. alot of what ifs which i am questionin myself.. that perpetual fear has never really left. i have no room for optimism. i only carry that silent fear, a need to be convinced that my choice is right and that little hope of that someone is truly dead.

maybe what i have said all the while is true that we feed on each other for our own form of gratification. we needed to know our significance to others and that value we prided ourselves, our worthiness. i needed to feel wanted in some ways. i realised that i can't really go on waiting like that. my tears these days came as quick as my mind turned to this i am in.

don't get me wrong. i am really glad that i met this guy. with so many entries in my life lately, i wonder how that fire started.. he's really not my kind to begin with. then again... how do we identify who is our kind? i never really thought much of the men i think ideally would be mine in eventual terms. most of the time, you never really get what you wanted. in some ways i am lucky that this minor turnabout, brought me him. not a 4 leave clover but i am then again content.

he makes me laugh, which is important. i like laughing and smiling. that he assures he will perform admirably. which is true... he is cute, yeah like a monkey. maybe that's why i take more that a glance at him sometimes. to take in all i can and memorise that every detail he is. perhaps paraphrasing how he treats me back to him... i can't exactly say this is social engineering my life about to be happy. perhaps if that is the only term then that is what i am doing. maybe doin so.. really in the end, keeps me in perfect happiness. that i wouldn't mind at all.

i found someone i can talk to, share with, let down my defenses without fearin that i lose myself in the process, someone who makes me laugh alot, who cares about me alot. who i smile when i see him. i am really content.

i had a nice dream on early saturday morning. this dream hold so much significance in my life now. there is a sense of contentment over what i have in my hands now.

it is a dreamy sunny day... in an empty lot... a circle patch of grass in the centre of that space... a huge old tree in that very core... the clouds in the sky, forming patterns, shapes and sizes as they passed me by... the light wind, blowing our hair in that gentle sunlight glow...

all those people who i have been meeting up recently are there... all standing around and only happy faces seen. little groups formed and chats begin... i was talking to J another significant soul who flows in and out my life not too long. a mild confusion that headstart another. it a light conversation we had that turned into promises i do not know how they begin to form.

i cannot quite remember what those are about. but i remember i smiled alot when he gave those strong words to me. he made me happy and i only thought of flowers. lol i know that is so funny. i saw my friends all eyes clear, light in their hair... smiles on their faces. it was a heartfelt moment that i thought this is where i wanna be...

B was again, re-enacting her role at our ministry in that dream.. of cos this time around... no drinks... O was talkin to his friends... clearly immersed in talk.. saw my friends weaving in and out of the little groups and channels of communication, a never ending scene. the memorable one was seeing R playing the role of FLASH... he zips through everyone, darting each and individual like in a game. i thought his mentality was reduced to a 5 yr old in my dream... that could probably worked out for me fine...

then came a big shiny white bus... it stops near the shadow of the tree, casted by the sunlight... i turned and covered my eyes... to see the sun shining so brightly... it was unusually bright... when i turned, i saw everyone boarding that shiny bus... i ran to J and pulled on his sleeve... those words of promise ever important but a cold stare was all i've gotten. i asked a slip of vulnerability, why is it so? he looked away and pulled his arm from me. up the steps and into the shelter of that bus.. i looked up at him as i stood by the bus... i glanced away just to see all my friends up and i was rooted to the ground. no one turned back for me..

with everyone on that bus and the door closed at me... my eyes were filmed over with tears and i almost lost myself in that moment of weakness. my wall is so ever thin though i tried my very best to be that way i potrayed....

almost as i felt those worst memories i ever contained in me came flooding back, in a sudden flash, R was standing next to me... i was humiliated and ashamed for him to see my ugly self... nevertheless that lopsided grin shined on me.. the next i know, we were standin on that grassy patch, protected by that big old tree. a white picket fence springed out of nowhere, and we are leaning against it... side by side.

in that silence next to him... a quiet smile played on our faces, like a secret between us only... in a whisper i hear him those words i needed to hear the most. which i know in reality it is as clearly impossible as pigs will fly... he turned to me, and smiled at me... the words he said in a quiet moment of strength displayed... in the end, i am still here... a single tear fell as i smiled at him and both of us turned to watch that clear sky above us... that shiny bus... our friends on board chattin and having fun.. in that self gratification they lost themselves in. J never once turned to look at me.. B had forgotten me... well... everyone eventually forgot my existence.

with R there with me.. i knew that doesn't mattered. as we watched that bus makes circles round and round that great big tree we stood by, we see our friends getting fastinated with each turn like as if it was the 1st time seeing it each time... we can only smile at each other, enjoying that breeze in our faces, that light burning bright into our eyes.. no more words between us ...

i realised i woke up and i was smiling. saturday was a beautiful day.. where the light was abundantly shining down on me. i am happy. though i have my misgivings over the reality of our friendship.. i realised sometimes, i doubt him easily is becos i don't wanna lose him. not even as what we are now. in a certain way, he lent his strength to me. i felt closer in some ways, connected by the dream to him. perhaps that's what he wanted to express to me.. only through telepathy he has that strength to own up.. i don't know.. but i think that dream was as beautiful as the dance before..