to be honest, i am completely disappointed in my friend.

someone i know for years, however one text just changed everything. i realized i did not know him that well as i thought. this sentence is starting to get too familiar in my life.

i thought our friendship means beyond the word love. even if any one of us are dating, we would still be unchanged. almost 1 year gone without much contact, words exchanged are always sentences unfinished. calls made are always hung up before the message is said. each day passes, we end up forgetting each other. i admitted i did not want to stay in contact that much. i am not jealous of the relationship that he is currently having. i am happy for him as how much ideally i should be. but not when a step is taken to forsake friends who stood by you all this while.

now just a text to say "yeah like bye forever cos' i am putting a ring on her finger" and a cold invitation sent without any meaning behind it. i do not feel how wanted would my presence be required. we just met last saturday, knowing it is my birthday not a word to me. not even a greeting. yet all they can say is that they want to celebrate with me. things are getting so unnatural that we are just talking for the sake of appearance. things are getting rancid here.

it is good to be in love but not to forget that you are not alone in this world and just with your girl / boyfriend. priorities have indeed swapped. his decision made me doubtful a year ago and it had not changed.

with all the reasons and the uncertainty he had then, it seared through my mind knowing that he might regret his decision later. being a friend whom i loved, i really do not wish that to happen to him especially knowing his character.

now i really do not know how to react to that message nor to that girl next to him who i addressed as "er sao". honestly it is a show to call her that and now i am unsure if that is the case. i am really disaapointed with this person i took to be a friend.

we have drifted far beyond what the world has been to.

this is really bullshit but it is rubbing me the wrong way.

i can understand if there are some people who just doesn't know how to draw the line or even when. i can't understand how some who have been in the workforce fails to sum up maturity to understand this. and yet plays the game like a school girl on ecstacy and high school drama series...

we are all adults except some might be denied of the intellectual but i really fail to understand how come a person could succumb to the wrong side of nature?

to be fair, if there is anything wrong wouldn't it be better to be voiced out instead of acting like "ewww, i am not talking cos' it is so not cool..." kind of attitude?

i would be surprised if this action above means finding and identifying real friends of SUBSTANCE...

i am just baffled that at this point in time of my life, i am still meeting people with a 15 year old's mentality... some i can understand, they are beyond the hope of reason. i just think this is getting ridiculous.

My ideal friendship:

1) work is work, friendship aside
2) friends don't dig information and share with others without permission from the person you are talking about
3) when i don't share, this means 2 things: 1) ignorance is bliss for you being my friend 2) you crossed the line so try thinking why and how you need to earn back trust...
4) work related, if you are trustworthy i will relate to you my daily affairs /problems but if you are CNN forget it....
5) I don't even know how to console or empathize unless on a professional level so when i dispense advice it really means that i care
6) i need friends who are mature enough and not easily influenced by external factors especially magpies and crows...
7) i prefer honesty even if you are unhappy with me
8) i don't appreciate warmth then chills the next moment, i am not dating you, i am only your friend
9) a colleague: don't use me as an information counter, i value my job and professionalism. a friend: i am not "use & throw"....
10) if you can't even understand all of the above or draw the line, this really isn't working out our love affair....

i have no time for idle entertainment of foolish ladies....

i guess the saddest thing is that the only person i can trust fully at work is now away for a long time... life is now going to be tougher, fighting pressure from above, my immediate neighbour and plenty of vultures...

funny thing, in MP when a colleague is nice. he / she is really just being nice.
here when a colleague is being nice, i honestly feel this tingling sensation of fear creeping up over my shoulder with a fanged smile ready to bite....

I managed to find the actual video! can't get this song out of my head.


met an old friend today. not exact a friend, not a love interest. i don't know how to describe him. life's been good to him, cutting up more patients, lost some weight, smiling more and a little more caring this time round. rode in a new car, swanky. funny, in the theatre. not sure what caught my eye. this time it is a movie. next time, we will do dinner without any kids ruining it for him. mostly him not me. mentioned thrice about dinner. i supposed i got the hint. busy guy, hard to catch his time. neither mine. don't know what made me decided to get out of the house. i am just as surprised. still it is a good meet up.

let's see what the wind brings next.

I found this version by Mika Nakashima
Can't shake it out of my head...

雪の華
Yuki no Hana
Snow Flower

Video is by Romish3 (youtube singer)

His version is not bad either. reminds me of the opening theme for Kimi ni Todoke's singer.



I think the words ultimately touch the right notes in the heart...

Romaji:

Nobita kage wo hodou ni narabe
Yuuyami no naka wo kimi to aruiteru
Te wo tsunaide itsu mademo zutto
Soba ni ireta nara
Nakechau kurai

Kaze ga tsumetaku natte
Fuyu no nioi ga shita
Sorosoro kono machi ni
Kimi to chikazukeru kisetsu ga kuru

Kotoshi, saisho no yuki no hana wo
Futari yorisotte
Nagamete iru kono toki ni
Shiawase ga afure dasu

Amae toka yowasa ja nai
Tada, kimi wo ai shiteru
Kokoro kara sou omotta

Kimi ga iru to donna koto demo
Norikireru you na kimochi ni natteru
Konna hibi ga itsu mademo kitto
Tsuzuiteku koto wo inotte iru yo

Kaze ga mado wo yurashita
Yoru wa yuriokoshite
Donna kanashii koto mo
Boku ga egao e to kaete ageru

Maiochite kita yuki no hana ga
Mado no soto zutto
Furiyamu koto wo shirazu ni
Bokura no machi wo someru
Dareka no tame ni nanika wo
Shitai to omoeru no ga
Ai to iu koto wo shitta

Moshi, kimi wo ushinatta to shita nara
Hoshi ni natte kimi wo terasu darou
Egao mo namida ni nureteru yoru mo
Itsumo itsu demo soba ni iru yo

Kotoshi, saisho no yuki no hana wo
Futari yorisotte
Nagamete iru kono toki ni
Shiawase ga afure dasu

Amae toka yowasa ja nai
Tada, kimi to zutto
Kono mama issho ni itai
Sunao ni sou omoeru

Kono machi ni furitsumotteku
Masshiro na yuki no hana
Futari no mune ni sotto omoide wo egaku yo
Kore kara mo kimi to zutto...

English:

Our shadows stretch out on the pavement
As I walk in the twilight with you
If we could be together like this forever
Holding hands
It's almost enough to make me cry

The wind grows colder
I can smell winter
Soon the season will come to this town
When I can get close to you

This moment
When the two of us cuddle up
To gaze at the first snow flower of the year
Is overflowing with happiness

It's not dependence or weakness
I just love you
I thought so with all my heart

I feel like when I'm with you
I can overcome anything
I pray that these days
Will continue forever

The wind rattled the window
The night shakes you awake
I will change any sorrow
Into a smile

The snow flowers fell
Outside the window
Unceasing
And colored our town
I realized that love means
Wanting to do something
For someone else

If I should lose you
I'll become a star and shine on you
I'll be with you even on nights
When your smile is wet with tears

This moment
When the two of us cuddle up
To gaze at the first snow flower of the year
Is overflowing with happiness

It's not dependence or weakness
I just want to be like this
With you forever
I can honestly think that now

The pure white snow flowers
Bury this town
Softly drawing memories in our hearts
Together forever with you...

besides the blessing from above.

i received a message from USA. this morning.
honestly, i didn't know if i am blessed or what. it was a MCQ this morning, deciding my emotions; saddness, happiness or plain anger.

i nearly wanted to slap myself or take a plane to land my hand across another's face. left or right then would be my dilemma.

i did ask for a "hi". well, in a way i got it. i just didn't know what to expect of it. my fingers are sure nimble this morning. i deleted before i could read a second time. it leaves me no time for regrets. though deep down my heart, i could hear a resounding tick - tocking of my guts. i fear that regret would just barged in and take over the plan. foolishness u - turns real quick.

i closed my eyes again. what am i expecting out of it? this is the first, could it lead to the second, third or more? would my greed grow? would it make me hopeful? it makes me wonder if i see happiness in this.

perhaps the only slap i need to give is to myself. a $5 million draw is up tonight and i am not even excited to exercise the blessing i got from my neighbour. i am just sitting on my bed and falling into my thoughts and wishing i hadn't ask for a "hi".

it is hello & goodbye. again.

i woke up this morning to an annoying banging courtesy of a friendly neighbour. it is freaking 7.30am on a PUBLIC HOLIDAY and guess what? I made a new friend!

i love my neighbourhood but not the nuisance that these foreigners are bringing with them. one floor down, i get my filipino neighbours (those working girls) screaming in the afternoons (nearly every) at a kid, each other and the walls included! literally chewing each other off in shrill voices and they really do not know when to stop! they could participate in scream contests and emerge winners and bring the whole neighbourhood from the philippines to SG for another round of screaming!

the Chinese above are chanters of a cult. not the first time they go banging on the floor above my head in the early hours. look i worship my sleep so just stop the bloody ritual. either they are using a pounder to mash up ingredients to a curse or using a chair to bind their sacrifice.

this morning, they caught me on the wrong side of my bed. i took a bamboo pole and bang right up their window to tell them terribly nicely to shut the fuck up.

i don't care if they are the talent or not, but if you are staying in my block just shut the noise.

otherwise, move out bitch

박효신 (Park Hyo Shin)
사랑한 후에 (After Love)




Hangul:

나의 기억 어딘가에 동그마니 숨어있다
울컥 쏟아져 내려오는 너
기나긴 하루 한번쯤
너도 나의 모습 떠오르는지

사랑이라 부르기엔 우린 너무 멀어졌고
차마 잊기엔 아직은 너무 일러
오늘도 난 사랑과 이별 사이를
눈물로 맴돌며 숨차게 너를 찾고 있어

바보야 어딨니 안 가면 안되니
너를 보낸 그곳에 아직도 난 서있는데
머리에 가슴에 그 모습이 그리워서
또 한번 숨죽여 운다 널 사랑한 후에

오랜만에 문을 나서 바깥 바람을 만지다
덜컥 다가선 외로움에 무너져
네 손에 끌려 다니던 정들은 거리
너 없는 슬픔에 잰걸음으로 집으로 가

바보야 어딨니 안 가면 안되니
너를 보낸 그곳에 아직도 난 서있는데
머리에 가슴에 그 모습이 그리워서
또 한번 숨죽여 운다 널 사랑한 후에

널 불러보다가 뒤돌아보면
그곳엔 널 닮은 추억만이

넌 아니 모르니 알면서 그러니
여태 잊지 못하고 아직 널 기다리는데
어떤 날 올거니 내 심장이 멈출까 봐
또다시 그리워 운다 널 사랑한 후에


Romanization:

na eui gi eog eo din ga e dong geu ma ni sum eo itt da
ul keog sso da jyeo nae ryeo o neun neo
gi na gin ha ru han beon jjeum
neo do na eui mo seub ddeo o reu neun ji

sa rang i ra bu reu gi en u rin neo mu meo reo jyeott go
cha ma it gi en a jig eun neo mu il leo
o neul do nan sa rang gwa i byeol sa i reul
nun mul lo maem dol myeo sum cha ge neo reul chat go i sseo

ba bo ya eo ditt ni an ga myeon an dwe ni
neo reul bo naen geu go se a jig do nan seo itt neun de
meo ri e ga seum e geu mo seub i geu ri weo seo
ddo han beon sum ju gyeo un da neol sa rang han hu e

o raen man e mun eul na seo ba ggat ba ram eul man ji da
deol keog da ga seon we ro um e mu neo jyeo
ni son e ggeul lyeo da ni deon jeong deu reun geo ri
neo eob neun seul peum e jaen geo reum eu ro jib eu ro ga

ba bo ya eo ditt ni an ga myeon an dwe ni
neo reul bo naen geu go se a jig do nan seo itt neun de
meo ri e ga seum e geu mo seub i geu ri weo seo
ddo han beon sum ju gyeo un da neol sa rang han hu e

neol bul leo bo da ga dwi do ra bo myeon
geu go sen neol dal meun chu eog man i

neon a ni mo reu ni al myeon seo geu reo ni
yeo tae it ji mot ha go a jig neol gi da ri neun de
eo ddeon nal ol geo ni nae shim jang i meom chul gga bwa
ddo da shi geu ri weo un da neol sa rang han hu e


English:

Somewhere in my memories, you are hidden inside
You are pouring in my heart on a long day just like today
I wonder if you'll think of me as well
To call it a love, we are too far away
But to forget, it is too early
Even today, between love and farewell
Confused in tears, I look for you

Somewhere in my memories, you are hidden inside
You are pouring in my heart

On a long day just like today...
I wonder if you'll think of me as well
to call it a love, we are too far away
But to forget, it is too early
Even today, between love and farewell...
Confused in tears, I look for you

Fool, where are you?
Can you not stay?
I am still standing in the place where I let you go
in my head, in my heart because I miss you
I hold onto my breath and cry after our love

I came outside in awhile, I feel the wind blowing outside
Suddenly loneliness embraces me, and I crumble
With you, the street that you used to take me
Without you, the saddness takes me back home

Fool, where are you?
Can you not stay?
I am still standing in the place where I let you go
in my head, in my heart because I miss you
I hold onto my breath and cry after our love

After I call your name and turn around
Only a familiar existence of memories lingers

Do you know? You do not know?
Or are you being this way even though you know
I still can't forget and am still waiting for you here
When you are going to come because my heart might stop...
I cry again in saddness.. after our love

BoA
Japanese: まもりたい (Mamoritai)
English: White Wishes




Japanese:

これで終わり　そう思っていた遠いあの日
今は言える　羽ばたける始まりだったと
君の温もりが広がる　手のひらと胸の隙間
君と行く先探してる　心繋いで

守りたい　守られてる
会えない時もずっと
一秒ずつ私たちは強くなれるから

広い夜空　寄り添う星たち見上げながら
かけがえのない今日の向こう　明日が生まれる
二人の間を行き交う　この空気大事にしたい
透き通っていく　心から優しくなれる

忘れない　君とこうして分かち合える温もり
感じてる　たった一つの未来照らすもの

降り積もる悲しみをそっと溶かすように
いつまでも　いつでも・・・

守りたい　守られてる
会えない時もずっと
一秒ずつ君と私　強くなれるから

忘れない　君に出会って
生まれ変われる願い
信じてる　だから私
全てま守りたい
全てま守りたい・・・


Romanization:

kore de owari sou omotteita tooi ano hi
ima wa ieru habatakeru hajimari datta to
kimi no nukumori ga hirogaru te no hira to mune no sukima
kimi to iku saki sagashiteru kokoro tsunai de

mamoritai mamorareteru
aenai toki mo zutto
ichibyou zutsu watashitachi wa tsuyoku nareru kara

hiroi yozora yorisou hoshitachi miage nagara
kakegae no nai kyou no mukou asu ga umareru
futari no aida wo yukikau kono kuuki daiji ni shitai
sukitotte iku kokoro kara yasashiku nareru

wasurenai kimi to koushite wakachiaeru nukumori
kanjiteru tatta hitotsu mirai terasu mono

furitsumoru kanashimi wo sotto tokasu you ni
itsumade mo itsudemo...

mamoritai mamorareteru
aenai toki mo zutto
ichibyou zutsu kimi to watashi tsuyoku nareru kara

wasurenai kimi ni deatte umare kawareru negai
shinjiteru dakara watashi
subete mamoritai
subete mamoritai...


English:

“It’s the end,” I thought on that day long ago
But now I can say it was “the start” of when I began to fly

Your warmth spreads out into my palm and chest
With our hearts as one we search for our destination

I want to protect you
Like you protect me
Even when we can’t be together
Every second that passes
Only makes us stronger

As we watch the stars cuddle in the vast night sky
Tomorrow is born beyond this precious day

I want to cherish the air that flows between us
My heart opens up and my tenderness grows

I won’t forget
How we both share
Each other’s warmth like this
I feel only one source
Illuminating the future

Softly melting away
The sadness that snows down
Forever
Always

I want to protect you
Like you protect me
Even when we can’t be together
Every second that passes
Only makes us stronger

I won’t forget
Ever since I met you
I’ve believed my wish to be a better person
Will come true
That’s why
I want to protect it all

I want to protect it all

i may have gotten a little hopeful last night.

perhaps, i need to rephrase my thoughts. i might have experienced a little emotion over my "what if" situation again.

well, yes. it would have been a "better off" situation if it had happened. i know he is a kind soul and a kindred one at it. still, deep down i got a feeling that i might turn the table over not before we showhand. i will be the rule - breaker if anything calls for it. i think he knows that too. too much love tipping off 1 side of the scale is never healthy.

i know i will be pretty happy, still it wouldn't be right at the expense of someone dear to me. i lost a fair bit of my gut last night when i knew what was coming up. i shouldn't be flirting with the unknown.

this may be a good year for love in the cards of those born in the year of pig but still it is not appearing on mine. at least not what i dictated.

i am still hoping for someone to say hi

it wouldn't hurt to say hi. it wouldn't hurt to say "i'm sorry".

that is what i thought so.

it would hurt for the acknowledgement and to be in power of that understanding that what hurt so badly. still, i wish i had that apology.

despite no longer pledging any sense of hope to a lost cause, i still think of him time to time. foolish as it comes, girls are indeed made of different stuff. perhaps i am old - fashioned.

i am closeted, switched off, weary, un-focused and out of life. i am stuffed into a jar and stoppered in the preservation of time. tick tocking of the clock reminds me that i am hitting another number next sunday. somehow, i feel like i am getting younger. i wish i hadn't learnt to care so much when i was really younger. i am enjoying life in the reverse of time, anti-clockwise movement that shrinks the digits and brought out that self - awareness.

i cannot make myself look at another real human of the boy type. somehow i would feel disgusted if i make believe some love story. true, the mush makes me squirm in my dizziness of LOVE but when i wake up, poof like cotton candy soaked in vodka.
that sticky sweetness overwhelms the heady alcoholism.

i have been drunk too long.

22 January 2010
This has been almost 3 weeks without internet. Nothing left for me to pick up and fill my head with cloudy dreams. Can’t lay my hands and eyes on any of those episodes, I nearly went into a coma.

Without my daily ritual, I got hooked on TV. But then again, it got too dramatic that I don’t I am able to relate the situations to any I would face in this lifetime. Not if I were an actress or just a really rich and bored lady.

To give myself something to look forward in the night, I built a mosaic world, tiled to the best of what I wanted. I drew an imaginary lover straight from a face of someone I know. Not just his face, let’s just say his physique, character and yeah, his weaknesses. I fell head over heels in this imaginary world, building each daily events and stuff we would do. At least I thought so.

In actuality, he is not that single. I don’t know why I singled him out for nights of “love in dream” romancing. Perhaps, he intrigued me whenever we engaged in any conversation. Ideally, he appealed. Especially with his big boss face. I don’t know why, but I fell in love with the shady world of Japanese mafia. Now, my dream is to be a yakuza wife. Right, in a black kimono, dark eyes and painted lips of the night.

Each night, I am just drawn to making love in a completely non – existent form. I felt perverted, weird, in everyway; inside out of my character. I got addicted to a romance that has never happened. Perhaps I want something so badly that I am beginning to play it out like a novel writer.

Well, the chapter has come to an end. Not because I gave him 4 kids, 3 boys and a princess, nor that I made it to my dream job and worked hard for a place in the adult world. But because, I remembered this guy I borrowed to have some fun with, is attached.

How depressing.

I am parked with an unhealthy love and tight guilt. Guilty enough to want to call him and apologize. I don’t think in real life anything is going to happen. Although often I heard that loggerheads will fall in love with each other. Then again, I do not dislike him that much to term him as an enemy.

I rattled and now I am confused. What a fairytale romance.

I swear I will just stick to being a rock star in my dreams.