i just can't work anymore. i feel like i am going crazy from within... i am melting and setting myself alight each time my head spins into the work wave. i had enough of this damn place, damn people, damn customers, damn client, damn bitch at work, damn the whole building. my body is like being rejected by my soul...

saw an interesting job online... thinking of trying out... but it is sales... gotta make full use of my mouth to talk and talk...

suddenly i found myself raptured by all the online sprees i surfed from the net... my oh my... im drowning in the world of shopping and this is the best way to fight the increased GST... i saved that damn 2% from shopping to fulfill my wants...

now i need to find a way to resolve all the food issues... how to get mel and jas to stop goin to the restaurants here... damn the law, damn the government, damn that man sitting up there and thinks that whatever he came up with, the common people will buy... damn the fact that the common people had no choice...

to think if u wanna stage a strike in singappore, you have to register yourself at the local police station for a permit...

this is so damn amusing and imagine this happens in HK or Korea or even in USA... the media people will run out stories for the big event of the day popper!

the funniest thing is that i broke down on friday about work... this is the sickest part... i mean cry about men, about my cat, about my life in general, about my family, about the poor people in the world, about hunger and famine, about the sad movies and songs and anime... but wtf about work??!!

this proves that everything else, i am sick of those enough that tears can't run down anymore... or my work just simply sucks so bad...

gosh take me away... like right now...
where is that guy when i needed him to "re-offer" that job...
i rather burn in hell than in this manner... this is slow cook and i can't get out...

i am truly blessed to have melvin being my staunchest supporter. he gets upset when he sees me upset, he gets mad, when he knows im hurt and beaten by circumstances that can be corrected. he is happy when i am smiling and he is the true sunshine that sometimes irritates me yet makes me feel so fuzzy warm inside. thanks just for being you.

i am blessed to have an old man in my BF pte ltd. the quiet one who raps hokkien hip hop and explicit when it comes to girls and whatnots, but his words somehow rang through each time one of us needed a listening ear. he has an open heart and a warm interior though when he is PMS-ing, he gets pretty irritating and full of BS... but that's our braather...

i am short of 1 blessing cos the boss is away... he left on an unhappy note but believe me we are not leaving you anywhere... the reason why we have our budget force is really becos of you and please come back soon so that we can host one of our weekly meetings soon... i missed those funny hot evenings we shared as a team and future corporation. boss we only have a few days in counting to go before you leave us for good... trust us, we are haunting u down this december... i can't wait cos aussie sells beautiful bras and my favs.... thongs!!!!!!!!

3 blessings in a nutshell.. i pay homage to those who are always here...

btw, i hate my shoes... they are always on a self destructive path when they are on my feet.. either they destroy my tootsies or destroy themselves utterly that make me wanna go into my constipated roar! ARRRAAWWRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

i hate my job... i hate it when everythin is just me... i hate to stand strong just to keep going when i know i am breaking into bits... every monday i buy myself a ticket to hell and every friday i pray mondays don't come so soon. this routine is getting stale.. i am earning my stalemates at work too when inconsideration is like the girl next door who is not moving away any sooner... nope that girl next door is like the old hag at work... when i see her face, i really wonder why the heck am i still here?! she is the epitome of ugliness.. i don't just mean physically, i think everything around just gets real stale and the air gets heavy... i almost wanted to bring an oxygen tank to rid myself of toxics she gives off...

right now, i just wanna roll a stone and crawl under... hide till i can hear no one call my name... but i can't cos of my team... anythin i hated the most, is when my team gets bullied... i swear i will punch the lights out of that bully with my words...

right now, i am just rolling and rolling.. gosh please take me away...
gosh not god...

i said i wouldn't cry but i did. i am sorry that i lied.
i tried to hpld back but sometimes myself wouldn't listen to myself.
i am sorry that i did. i thought i could at least stand strong.
i believed that i was in acceptance of my own fate.
i was wrong, and now i am sorry.
i put my faith in my denial. standing behind the fact that i already the outcome.
so what is the point in talking about it. the raw hurt tears so deep this way.
and now my tears fall and i can't stop.

and all i can say is i am sorry.

it's been almost 7 days of absence. i think i am losing it.
perhaps this is my sign...

i just realised that there is something perfectly wrong with me.
somehow there is no time investors who takes a genuine interest in me.
i wish there is someone who will buy me flowers,
someone who will wait for me to knock off work and surprise me with a visit.
someone who will take me for walks and picnics,
someone who just do things without telling me,
just surprise me.
someone who remember what i have said.
someone who will wine and dine me, make romance as it is said to be.

these days, guys who knock on my door are like ... ...
i hate the idea of guys who just want to have fun... if you are attached just stay that way and get away from me. if you are genuine about being friends i am cool with that. just don't come onto me with the wrong intentions.

i am not a toy neither is your own girlfriend...
and i do not have this written on my forehead: "come on, take a ride with me.."

i decided that i am just going to concentrate on my academic and career pursuits from now on. since there is no other option as men as these days are, there are pretty much limited options...

perhaps a change of environment would be good for me... perhaps i should consider jakarta...

Two jumps in a week
I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy?
Flying on your motorcycle,
Watching all the ground beneath you drop
You'd kill yourself for recognition,
Kill yourself to never ever stop
You broke another mirror,
You're turning into something you are not

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation,
You will be the one who cannot talk
All your insides fall to pieces,
You just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you
When you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you,
You will be the one screaming out

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you ever had,
The best thing that you ever, ever had
It's the best thing that you ever had,
The best thing you ever had has gone away

this week contains both blues and decisions. blues because i re-discovered my own lies that i used to protect myself and to shelter me from the truth. i am calm and collected now, this different me. i can understand better and why actions are taken this manner. as much as i wanted, as much as i needed. i chose not to have. simply this fear is too great.

let me take a tiny break 1st and enjoy this peace while i can.

the decision came in this late night after talking to my dear mel. he helped me accept my dispositioning and created this sense of peace in me. he knows it would hurt me a great deal but somehow his words comfort me. cos though i have always my denial but to know that he accepted it for me as well. that is a warm feeling spread inside me. he stood by me, not talking about it becos he knows that i am already aware myself. the situation and that i took this gamble and hope for a chance. i guess i could say we both took chances.

i pray his chance is correct.

i am being offered a job. to go somewhere else out of here. i would love to go cos the position is exactly what i think i can do. it would be passionate and fun since i enjoy the environment and creativeness that would flow through. i know that this is an offer i cannot missed. this is the greatest thing that can happen to me now. i think this would serve an extreme end to certain things now in my life but realistic goals are more important than building castles in the air of clouds and hazy stars. but as realistic as it is, it will affect most stuff and that includes my school. i know i shouldn't have to think this hard about making a decision but i will be away from here where i belong. the duration i do not know. will it work out i do not know. but this chance is the greatest ever come my way. u win some u lose some. since i lost my chance gambled, perhaps it is a sign to tell me that i have greater matters at hand to attend to and perhaps it is my creature comfort to immerse myself in work.

i have been addicted to alot of things in life. work is addictive as well. this is advancement. perhaps this is sufficient to keep me going on without further interruptions. perhaps i had too many distractions that i needed to get out to experience what i always wanted to try.

i would have to give up the other equally important matter to me. perhaps this would be a right move for now.

i realised that what mel told me tonight is true.

ever had a guy waiting with food or your cravings at your place? ever had a guy who come to your place bringing what you dreamt of?

i can only remember distinctly my classmate. brought me gelato when i mentioned my dream about ice cream. bought a large tub which i didn't get to eat. becos i was busy with my anime that i didn't hear my phone. he waited. i realised he is a really sweet guy.

if i mentioned that i dreamt of eating fried kway teow my favourite comfort food, would you be waiting for my at my place? with a smile and a packet just for me?

if i had said yes that late evening, would you get it for me? do you mean your words or perhaps as what mel said, just asking, knowing that the answer is no becos you know that i cherish the thought and wouldn't want to trouble you. the though that counts or is it just manipulation?
i wished i said yes.
i wished there is a reply tellin me if you are really game for a movie as i asked.
i wished you could at least practise a degree of courtesy & sincerity.
i wished you wouldn't go shizo on me.
i wished you could at least give a direct answer.
i wished you knew that you played hot and cold and that leaves me in a dilemma.
i wished you cared.
i wished you were a gentleman at least.
i wished we could talk like when we were together.
i wished that things wouldn't be like this.
i wished you were reading this.
perhaps at least i know that either one of the following or all apply:
1) you were bored and nothing to do hence you decided to read.
2) you were curious if you are mentioned.
3) you are reading this cos you are genuine but just being an ass.
4) you just wanted to test waters and see if i whine here about you.
5) you clicked on my blog address by mistake.
6) you are still not sure where you are. you are not that net savvy.
7) you got drunk and had no idea that you are actually online.
8) you secretly love me.
9) you are just trying your luck.
10) there is nothing about me that interest you except that my blog entries are either killing you or confusing you that you have to come back to re-read each post 20 times to improve your english and to understand what i am talking about.

i really don't think i can take the answer...

i should think that what if i took up that offer and disappear from your sight. what will you do?
perhaps you will still be drunk and surf blindly and read about a character who is similiar to you that you didn't even realised that yes, it is you....

go figure...

maybe i already know it in my heart. perhaps keeping my silence in exchange for some happiness is what i did. a little happiness is enough. for that moment, it is enough for me.
i am satisfied and no matter the time spent and emotions surrounding, i am happy enough. very much of course wishing things would be as true as i did placed that hope. but never mind that anymore, i held myself back because i already knew the end of the story we both played the roles. that story has ended before it began, perhaps this is the foolishness of starting the beginning which also created the ending.

perhaps this is a repetition of the story we created earlier. again we chose to step back into our roles. unassumingly, perhaps i wanted to believe. i wanted to see the different side of us. perhaps i thought the story could be played out differently. perhaps i wanted a different ending. perhaps, so many perhaps and hopes i lifted to the sky. but my heart was already still, knowing how things will be.

perhaps one day you will change your mind. perhaps time may tell. perhaps we took the wrong turn this time again. maybe the pathway we thought we knew actually is a winding road. it led to this and nowhere else. perhaps we will find the continuance from where we left the road again. perhaps a little more time to tell. perhaps things began too early. perhaps i wanted so much that i wanted this moment to be it.

each step closer, the trembles begin. knowing yet fearing. winning yet losing. having yet nothing. each anticipation, i paused awhile. the greater my fear is of losing myself into something again. perhaps to save you, i saved myself. perhaps i tried too hard to convince you and myself.

still, i am glad to own that special day. in memory it stays. i cannot ask for more, for that i know is the best you can give me. the answers are already shown before the questions asked. i asked because i was hoping again. perhaps the different me now yearns to hope, cushioning the facts to disappoint myself. hope is the only clean logic i can apply in order to achieve some learned happiness.

perhaps you are the learned happiness.

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me?
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute
why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
So why don't we go

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

I don't know your face no more
Or feel your touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a another time
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well be strangers
Be strangers

For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know

There are so many things to update my blog over the weekend and holiday. There are so many things to tell and unhide.

Perhaps I think it’s better that I go through day by day…

Day 1:
I fell ill on Thursday. The sky was dark with clouds billowing and the winds chilling my insides. I shivered and fell into hurried sleep. A hibernation mode I put myself in to hide away from the aches in my bones. My throat hurts and this I caught from my little sheep friend…
But in bliss I was and my smile lasted all week long…

Day 2:
Had to work at home as tired as I was. Still I couldn’t erase that smile off my face. My thoughts faltered through work and lapsed back into memory of my little sheep. Went to the Ministry on a homage debut at 3 am. Sipped green tea to the thuds of the beats of house. Left in a sleek black 4WD that zoomed back to my place quietly in the morning rain. A soft kiss on the cheek and it is back to the wonderland on my bed.

Day 3:
Made myself woke up early to do some serious shopping. Bought dresses as I discovered this intense love for looking pretty in them. My girlish spirit fought to rise to the top of my soul and I had fun choosing shades to veil my pretty peepers.

This is a long day, that simple Saturday that melted into an intense night. As usual, we held our weekly BF meeting now in the heartlands of a man made pond in the north, fishes swam by and kids giggled to the simple happiness of luckless attempts to catch a little shrimp for memories.
We are on a budget which in the end needless to say that never was to be.

Jas wanted to attack some crabs and boss second as long as it doesn’t eat our pockets away. Mel says for the love of food and the happiness we sought to achieve. Let us eat crab and be happy until the bill comes. And crab we ordered and I relied on dearest mel to crack my share of the tender crimson flesh. Ate little as I was lazy. No one who loves me enough to feed me by hand.
In the end, we lost track of time and thus BF weekly meeting came to an end which never brought a beginning.

My mind started wondering. Thinking of my little sheep cos little boar misses him so much. The sheer intensity drove her nearly mad and the urge to go the the usual haunt was at the greatest peak. Called B and hesitation set in. I was tired after a long day though I hunger for just one glance of him.

After I reached home, I couldn’t wait to find out more. Hence I asked the question of her. Who are our common friends there? Sure enough before she completed her answer, I said this: I will see u in 15 mins. A mad rush fuelled by the hope of a blazing fire. I flew down to make my prayers and dreams come true.

Searching in the darkness yields no results. Until later I was ask to meet a dear friend, b. the thunder of cheers coming from our common friends feels alittle intimidating. As unsure as I was, I attempted to place my thumb in my mouth than my foot in it about how true sometimes they can be. I was afraid of being played for a joke.

Kind sir asked for a dance, I obliged on the account that the token of our friendship remains still. Danced as I did, but the feeling crept back on my back as our common friends made their way to where we were. Dear b held me and I shrunk back. I was afraid, truly afraid of the direction that we are heading. I am happy to see my dear friend but if there is any hidden agenda of any childish challenges between old boys, I do not see myself as a stand up joke for all to laugh.
Sure. There were hidden smiles exchanged between the boys. Knowing them, knowing something foul. Can’t say that I was hurt as I was aware what might be the consequences but I was willing to at least believe no harm was meant at all. Silly little games sometimes hurt the most. Words exchanged were played on a note carefully and with a lot of care. The little steps taken, to ensure no suspicions were aroused. Maybe because I knew him, maybe because I thought I did. My fear rose like a deathly odour permeating the dance floor. Until I see little sheep.

My heart beat in leaps and bounds. I could hardly not smile. As cool as we were, we see through each other. Each existence ceased, creating a breathless atmosphere at least for me. No words exchanged, no smiles shown, no sparkling eyes for each other as time almost stood still.

My head spun to the music, I lost my taste buds to a grave yard. I was elated and didn’t care about anything more. Surprisely, b asked to take a picture of us. It turned out beautiful though my smile was jaded. Perhaps I was skeptical. Perhaps I didn’t wanted to think worse of him anymore and wanted to see the good I used to see in him.

Soon they left. No good byes said, as strangers came and left, I was at the bus stop alone again.
Standing in the crowd and hoping for a glimpse of both. A dear friend and little sheep who caught my heart.

Through several attempts, I saw my little sheep. Standing right there waiting for the glimpse we can spare each other without the scrutiny of others. A gentle kiss as he passed by, I thought I went to heaven for the second time in 2 weeks.

Heaven came nearly as soon as I can ever wish for. A gentleman whose love for house took me on a quiet drive to my paradise. In that oasis stood my sheep. With anticipation I asked the question I didn’t think I dared. Perhaps the alcohol gave me courage.

He said he likes me. Abit. I was curious to know more yet badly afraid to tumble from this steep hill I was on. I held his breath in my mouth as we merged and melted into one. I told him my honest feelings. I prayed and smiled that he knows how true that is.

We fell into a raw sleep in the stark morning light. In another few hours, sleep was robbed away as we once danced through the sunlight. Sleep came back like a butterfly. I tossed and turned deep into my little piece of heaven and thoughts of him buried deep. His sleep was deep and sound. The day was mine only mine as I can just lay by his side. I am satisfied.

Night rose I lost my hope. Prolonging this night simply cannot be done unless I bring my mother there to stay for the night. Perhaps if his parents played mahjong, things are be negotiated for both our benefits. The little words and care he showered, I cannot speak more of how I felt at that time. What I wanted, he wanted to give, perhaps he was sincere perhaps he was kind. I didn’t dare to think so much. I could not ask for more.

Perhaps this is what simplicity is. I am happy and did not failed to notice that. I was in acceptance that this is simply happiness. He has a smiley mother and doting one as well.

They shared beautiful smiles. His mother is kind and cheery like a bright ray of light in the dark cold night. We shared a silly joke about why I wasn’t hungry. This is the second Sunday I became god.

I ate none and lived forever in those few precious hours.

Took a better part of 24 hours to muster my courage to ask for a movie date. A word, when? Came back and gosh I rolled on my bed and couldn’t stop my laughing. My fingers trembled to compose the right text back. I cannot wait till then though a time has not been fixed. He gave me happiness in unimaginable ways.

I miss my little sheep so so damn much. And wish he is here always. I want him and need him so much. I do not like him till there is an ache in my heart but he made my heart flutter each time he entered my thoughts. He made me smiled through rain or shine, he brought light to every darkness set by others.

That is the reason why I couldn’t sleep that Sunday night. 2 Sundays and plenty of little happiness to be thankful for.

Work practically took the better part of me down. Missed my team of little monkeys. To think my girl actually missed me when I wasn’t around. Hah! At least I am respected here.
Couldn’t concentrate in class. Thinking where I should be heading to after class since it is a holiday. Still kinda scared to infuriate my mom on my recent disappearance. Gosh gotta make myself stay put this weekend and be a mummy’s good little girl. I promised I shall not club anymore this week. Enough already.

Ok, I lied. Met my BF gang and I think mel is extremely happy himself. Both of us reached this same euphoria that we both understand that silly smiles we wore all day. He couldn’t really stop smiling when she is there. I can’t stop smiling when he is on my mind. Ah… that is our secret together. I am happy to see mel this way and I hope things be looking up for him now on.

Yep, he ain’t heavy, he is my brother. And soon if she doesn’t say yes, I have to be the sacrificial bride. Please don’t let that come to reality. No no no no no…

Again, I found myself at MoS, paying another undeserving homage to the inconsistent music and overflowing alcohol. Oh well, had beer which nearly wiped me out. Ok, I didn’t eat that is why. Perhaps I could live on air now. Practically these 2 weeks, I am almost a god myself. Those happy ones…

It was a bored night. Those were the girls in flowy dresses and sleek hair flying around. Painted cheeks and skilled lips, tilted eyes making stars all night. Those were the guys, lost in their world, the bottles and their glasses. The air was thick with ego and false love. I was in the middle watching this movie. Guys were asking me where is R… gosh… please don’t think otherwise. He is my muse and funny friend and leave him out of the whole damn thing… my mind’s full of little sheep jumping over picket fences… J

R came and I have google eyes on me. Suddenly I was magnified. Talked to C and found out he is a fellow sheep. Suddenly I felt so in tune to the world of zodiac. That matrix of love got me at the right spot. Poor guy got dumped on Saturday. Still he smiled but I sensed a certain disquiet in him, probably will visit him later in the night when silence falls. But at that time, we should all be happy.

I remembered an earlier conversation I had with Derek. Why we shouldn’t cry. There is this saying that you cry to let it out and you will feel better after that. I used to agreed thinking that my tears wash away my hurt. But then this year became more meaningful when I learned to smile and to cherish that smile. Told Derek that I realized when I smiled even when I am not feeling good inside, eventually that smile create a new reason to be happy. Everyone prayed for a reason for their existence. In reality there is no reason to why we live on this earth. We searched for these reasons in everything we do, in our jobs, in our family, in our friends, in our daily affairs. We needed assurance that we are meant to live this life for a reason. We tried to instill reasons that we believed represents our existence. We tell ourselves that we lived for the next one who will tell us that we are needed. We craved that need that others have of us. We think we are created to fill that void of others.

I realized that is not true. We live boldly in this life as we printed our existence in every step we take. Reasons are created by man and many we can find and give to assure ourselves why we are here. We live this life, and paths inter-linking, sometimes we reached out for the other person standing next to us, sometimes we do even ignore the presence of others. But yes, we all would like to think that we are put on earth for the reason of someone’s else existence. But I smiled, because I know that I am put here to live my life and to find the reasons what made my life not what made me. That would be too universal where no answers can be found. We live uncomplicated lives and tears do not bring the answers you want to know or hear. But when you smile, or least I do. I know that deep inside, I create my own happiness and little reasons that tells me this is my life. To put myself through tears in this world would be a little sad affair and a life story to share. Each smile I wear, I realized that people around me smile little more. This is my gift to share.

Yep, needless to say, I smiled as usual that night. Though I came alone, I am comfortable in where I am and in my own skin. I see no need to play other’s muse nor a fool to be screwed. I enjoyed my silence in that loud blasting music, I enjoyed little sips than to dive into an alcoholic fountain. I see no meaning in senseless truck-tracker behavior. Yep, I am comfortable.

Someone bought me a bucket full of tall green bottle bumbling within liquid happiness. That happiness can only be taken in moderation. Met 3 dolls in Barbie make up and fancy Lolita skirts and fashion. Heavy accented and possessive minds, hands askew and legs tangled. 3 dolls played an old man’s game, got too high and forgot where they are. Lost in the liquid motion and transition. Voices shrieked and hearts alight. Stoke the egos of men around.

I fear for my health and amused myself by watching the deathly scenes of entangled bodies meshing at the plush gothic settings. Little girls and big boys. This world sometimes tend to make me just hold my breath and smile. Nothing I can do.

Received a funny call. Funny becos it has been a long time since I heard from this little friend of mine. W called to tell me that he is outside. The fact that who he was with, I was alittle taken back. Not in shock but surprise. Surprised by the words flowing into my ear and right seeping into my brain. My little soldier friend, B was with him and told him that I was at MoS.
Really I only sent a text message to ask if he is here… does it indicate that I am there myself?
This is entirely judgmental and if I am not there. I think that would be funny except I don’t think I can laugh. Bcos, he is my little soldier friend.

Took a quick walk outside into the cold of the night. Dressed up and unsteady feet stood 4 figures in stark bright whites and pale skin except for W who is still as tan as ever and getting skinnier. Was told this by a smiling W that someone had wanted to see me. That night is full of little surprises… Ms. A was there who kept asking me to hold on to the 2 left feet tin soldier tumbling and fumbling each step he took. A bright smile full of teeth to assure me that he is alright. As usual, he failed in his assurance but nope I do not challenge him on that. As long as he is happy I am cool with that.

Nope we didn’t really talked, the funny thing is I don’t understand why would they come at nearly closing hour. All eyes are sleepy and shoes are about to be dropped off for bed time. All becos a tin soldier wanted to be there. Yet he said he drank a lot, he doesn’t danced and he was fighting this internal war about the glass in his hands. A sip could probably bring him closer to the edge he is trying not to topple over. W said he insisted to be there. I try not to ask for what. Hoping in his right state of mind and for my sake, tin soldier does not cause any more confusion and raking back past ghosts to haunt me at this point in my life.

An air of self consciousness blanketed me. I was entangled in my own mini war like the Greeks vs. the Persians. My mind is tediously working to remind me of the past year of small smiles and great unhappiness. My mind is reminding me of how good now I am, a changed self and improved self brought me a lot more happiness. My mind was working over time in a sudden change of the hour. Perhaps I thought too much. Perhaps a simple dance with his hand touching me brought back some memories. But now I think it would be safe to keep those away under lock and key.

I do not want at any point in my life to be hurt again.

The simplicity of things and the complications of how they are, leaves me in an organized disorder. My thoughts are re-arranged in compartments in my head, open each drawer to pull out the data, but my physical and emotional self are slowly dissolving into liquid mix of every bit of me. He left this bitter sweet taste in my mouth and I took him now as platonically as I can. I like to think that he would wish me well, but knowing him knowing something foul. He gave me hell, each time I step away. A different guy I talked to, we would argued 5 times in a day. Over nothing as no one would bring up the real reason for the yelling and cursing and bitching.

Yet, when we see each other, we cannot help it but to smile despite our harsh words. A simple solace we shared but without words. Sometimes words bring the downfall and destroy all you ever held in your hands, like precious water clear as sky in your palms. Perhaps the mistake we made, was to acknowledge the change evolving around me. Friends see the subtle change hence moods changed. my regret was that I didn’t had to admit that change. Perhaps if I had not done so, we could still be as happy as ever without this hanging over our heads.

Now with his funny little actions starting up like a sputtering engine, my warning bells are going off in my head. Somehow he always managed to make me feel so guilty should I step away. If I search for my own happiness, he always managed to appear in my head like some guardian angel thingy you read in comics and telling me my ten commandments which I owe to none. Thou shalt not be happy without me your little devil. He is almost the spawn of devil, not quite there yet but will be soon.

Now he caused this unsettling feeling. I am feeling alittle lost again. He raked up the devil of the past and my head is pounding. I am beginning to wonder if he knew about the story of the sheep and the boar. If sheep were to tell boar, that he only loves her. Would he dare tell the world his love for her? Would he tell their common friends that this is it?
If sheep decided to love boar this way and into forever, would chicken give his blessings? Would chicken accept this change? Chicken has his bunny and boar wants his happiness for his sake. Would he accept it? He always says he is happy and boasts about the love he has for her. Please let his love stay true.

Even if boar once fell for chicken, boar knew that those feelings are meant to be kept only in the heart. Boar is in acceptance of reality and smiles despite once she had felt that hurt. She bears no animosity nor regret. Perhaps only regret that they should not have admitted. Boar was willing to just live with this love this way. Until she found sheep and realized that sheep is someone she wants to be with this life. She is happy now, taking little steps to walk the same path as her sheep. Trying to catch up with him on the same road.

Now smart chicken seemed to sense a growing distance that widened even more after boar walked away from him. Now smart chicken scares boar, bcos he leaves her with little imprints of confusion and guilt. She wants to know what is on his mind. She wants him to know she has always love him but this love shall just be it. She needs her own happiness. Each to walk each path this life. There is no saying if whose love is greater or who to cherish. Chicken ever said sheep will not love her bcos he is not the one. But let boar go on this trip to see where it leads her to. Love someone and wish them well. It doesn’t mean you need to own them in order to define your love for them. Becos of it, I am willing to lose you. Bcos I know I had you once, in the quiet nights, those phone conversations. Those early morning calls to tell me that you are awake. I am satisfied with these memories.

I don’t need a guy who drives a big car, a fat bank account or any materialistic baits. I only need someone who will love me simply. And that I love him with all my heart, simply as well.
Love doesn’t need to possess, doesn’t need to flatter, doesn’t need to lure or bait the other to stick around. Love just represents itself in your heart. I believe that love should not even cause a single wrench when you think of that someone. It would be like now how I am feeling, a little gentle lightness, a mushy softness when I think of my little sheep. Bcos I am happy and he makes me smile with thoughts of him. This is like the 1st time romance altogether.

Ok, enough said, my fingers are numb now. This is to make up for the empty days over the weekend…