finally had some time for r & r... not really a successful r & r though...

im still in a funk about everything that is possibly blue. someone said that he was thinking about me for those few months that we did not see each other. 彼は結婚して、どうかしてそのニュースは私を幾分気分を害されて得た。somehow i couldn't react to that piece of news. 彼は妻であるために私を彼のすぐに見るために連れて来た。私は私達が互いを見た時はいつでも微笑し。私達はにしがみつくその時間を助け使用できなかった。i could only smiled at him and look back to what reality is. right throughout, he held on to my finger while his bride to be was there. through a slip of moment, i had to brushed him off. perhaps i was trying to romanticize him in this situation.

i had to remind him of mr. koh. and i am really happy with mr. koh. however, mr. koh is now mad at me becos' a good friend of his has somewhat an imaginative mind was sprouting nonsense to him about me sneaking out on a date...

now, i have to pacify him and put myself back at where i was at. mr. koh is upset that i might be seeing someone else behind his back. nope... no time for that. my life had a major adjustment and i am keeping to that.

berth was just asking me if whom i think will get married first. she was hoping to beat us to the altar. oh well... somehow this doesn't excite me or that something that i am looking forward to. if it happens, it happens. most importantly to be with someone you are truly happy with and living for.

愛は時々皮肉であり、頻繁に私達はそれを望み、私達はそれなしに住むことができることを決してと私達考えた来私に氏のkoh でそれがあるので愛は来、私彼を失いたいと思わない私達のドアでたたく多分私が彼をたくさん気遣い、直接彼と私の感じを共有する方法を私が知らないことそ れは公正である。私は私にないが、私が今持っているものを大事にするためものがを気遣わない。

i have sunken straight into depression. reason is unknown and unfathomable.
sometimes i am unbelievable as well.

i decided to defer 1 semester of my course just for work. i have mutated into some kind of machine. i am now a slave to the establishment.

私は実際に自分自身の言うことがわからない。私は私が平静に直面して単独で立つと同時にこの世界で無くなっている感じる。私は私が冷たく育ったけれども私 が燃やす内部を失ったと同時に熱を。私は答えが私にであるそれ問題最終的にである私または生命もどって来なかったことを自分自身に尋ねることを試みたが、 か。私が今のところ言うことができるすべては絶対にある、絶対にけれども私はまだ私の存在と勇敢にそしてshamelessly 住むことを試みる。

なみだ いくつ 零れて
新月の夜 ひとつ海が生まれた
遠く紡いだ言葉
語りべたちの物語の中に

むかし だれかが ここで
張り裂けそうな胸をそっと開いた
歌に奏でてずっと
どんな場所にも携えてゆけるよ

消さないで あなたの中の
ともしびは連なりいつしか
輝くから

語り継ぐことや伝えてゆくこと
時代のうねりを渡って行く舟
風光る 今日の日の空を
受け継いで それを明日に手渡して

指に 額に 髪に
あなたの向こう 垣間見える面影
もしも時の流れを
さかのぼれたら その人に出逢える

この世界 生まれてそして
与えられたあらゆる名前に
願いがある

いとしい笑顔に心動かして
嵐に揺らいで立ち止まる時も
守りたい すべてを捧げても
思いは力に姿を変えるから

語り継いで 伝えてゆくこと
時代のうねりを渡って行く舟
風光る 今日の日の空を
受け継いで それを明日に手渡して

i lost my life recently. no, i am not dead. i just discovered that i am a slave to work and a zombie starting every friday evenings to sunday nites. gosh i am as good as dead.

things are going brilliant at work. (gosh so damn british!) but i lose my energy if i have to deal with anyone on my off days. i hate to talk even after work. my jaws go into overdrive during work and having to exert another muscle on my face practically makes it fat. but once again, i am happy being a slave now. :)

well.. the good news is that we may have found a place to stay! right at the east near the sea and a cemetary. i am not too thrilled but bargained a morning ride to work everyday so i am pretty good. taxi fares can be claimed for. so i am at the end of a good deal. shake on that.

the down side.. i dunno if it is right to say if everything is fine. i just cannot imagine being together as in really together. im like in the middle of nothing yet i have so much to look towards now. i am like this machine that can't stop thinking about work and i don't want to lose any chance here. i cannot say that i am happy but im neither that either. i guess i am in the midst of some self confusion and structured brain disorder.

i mean he would be what every girl wants, he is a walking success story. except not much time on hand. of cos, when time permits or until i complain, he is still very much a great guy to be with. i think like wise, i am also competitive and possessive of my work freedom that perhaps of his successes at work, i am driven to perform my best. i just don't want to be dangling behind. honestly we are not meeting often, but i don't mind perhaps i would, the old me. perhaps then my boyfriends are not really what you would say career driven. maybe i mimicked their actions too well. this is good for me now since he is a good role model to begin with and i do think i am in good hands. but ultimately i may be in too safe of a position that love is not something we talk about.

i am beginning to feel the edges of depression creeping in. not that kind that makes you want to cry but just that kind that goes oh well... i think i am beginning not to care too much. maybe bitten too badly and the scars are not fading well for me to make another attempt into the world of men and women. frankly, i think i don't give a damn. which isn't a good sign. i might end up unmarried. which is really not a good thing. where the heck am i supposed to get my babies out into this world?

i think it is just so weird to live this life. you want to be loved and it is said to be blissful that way but when that happens happiness is not with you. you loved and it hurts. to make that pain go away, you put that person out of your life and yourself out of misery and try to bravely re-attempt life itself again. telling yourself to go for someone who just loves you more than you do and be happy about it. then the cycle starts all over again. greener pastures on the other side, baby and you just never give up.

times like this it is good to be an anime character. you lived once but just to brilliantly that you go down in history all the same being who you are and what you are and want to achieved and a superhero with fans trying to dress like you.

this is the only guy that i can have a wonderful time together, out for dinner or movies or drinks and enjoying the intelligent conversations. someone whom i think is really great and wonderful. someone who taught me alot and we had never had any issue to argue about not even like worldly - none - of - our - business affairs that would throw us into quarrels. somehow i am hesitating to bring home to mom. shucks man... life's tough... imagine tellin my mom im married 2 years later and she had no idea that i was even dating someone.

i have a warped mind cos' i am thinking that is a cool trick to play on this old woman!

if i say i want to fall in love, yeah that is true. but when i think about all the problems i have encountered and those unwonderful men i have unfortunately met... ...

my mind goes ... ... ...