before i return it i better save some new porn sites for him and our secret coven of BF-ers...
single men get kinda lonely sometimes, and frankly tho sex ain't everythin, there is always the net to surf and porno to watch.

i just love porn! it is crazy, funny and it tickles me!

love those milf action and those weird golden showers, that just reminds me of B confessing that it's her fav action. GOSH! i will never look at her in the same way again.. now when i see those showers scene... instant replace action over that face and spoof! i see B in action...
not hot at all, nope not hot...

yep watch porn it is healthy jus don't download those miserable child-f**king shit... if u do, u will go to jail and u will have a one straight ticket VIP seating to HELL.

i need to get my laptop soon since i am returning this baby back to mel... without this trusted lover around, i doubt i will be blogging so frequently.. so to satisfy those little kids reading about my adult and child like memories of how i live my days and my BF corporation... i shall ask mummy for some plastic money to get this little helpful tool...

but i think my electricity bill will rise the way i am using my proficiency in internetism...of cos things gets better cos i put up more interesting and confusing entries...

i just love to confuse them all and have them asking erm... C, i dun understand whatcha talkin about leh...

kids, gotta love them and their curiosity...

Recently read about my Chinese horoscope for my love. Apparently I can only date guys who are either born in the year of Rabbit or Sheep. Here is the reason why:

The Rabbit and Boar:

The boar is loud and somewhat aggressive, while the rabbit is quiet and subtle - a clear case of opposites attracting. The boar has a tendency to use power and strength to get his/her way, while the rabbit prefers to use his/her guile and intelligence to think carefully through problems, silently working in an unassertive fashion. Yet, the two appear to think alike, and to want the same things in life. Where they differ is the way they go about achieving their goals. When the two come together, it is like a blending of two complementary halves. There is a natural attraction between them from the start, and, when they discover each other’s talents, the two get along like a house on fire. They also make a great team.

While the rabbit is happy to be manipulative from behind the scenes, the boar enjoys being in the spotlight. Each brings out the best in the other.

The boar’s natural element is water while the rabbit’s is wood. In the cycle of element relationships, water produces wood. One party clearly provides the sustenance and support here, and it is the boar, who is therefore deemed to be excellent good fortune for the rabbit! This augurs very well for the alliance between the two of them.

Rabbit Years:
1915 1927 1939 1951 1963 1975 1987 1999


The Sheep and Boar:

The sheep and the boar make a genuinely happy pair. The natural affinity of the sheep and the boar is reflected in their obvious concern for and patience with each other. The sensitive sheep finds sustenance, comfort and love from the boar, whose broad shoulders willingly enfold the sheep in a warm cocoon of love. Nor is the sheep merely a love object; indeed, the two find pleasure in working and planning their life together.

The earthy boar admires the gentle and classy disposition of the sheep. These two both have healthy appetites, and they are equally generous towards one another. In love, they enjoy life’s simple pleasures, with neither one going off at a tangent or succumbing to outside distractions. Loyalty features very prominently in this relationship, and it is, therefore, (note this!!!) one of the most compatible of the pairings in Chinese astrology.

The sheep’s natural element is earth, while the boar’s is water. In the cycle of element relationships, earth controls water. One party is clearly in control, and, in this case, it is the sheep. Their instinctive sympathy smooths the interactions between them, and the more aggressive boar gives in easily to the subtle and understated sheep.

The sheep obviously dominates this relationship, and it is not surprising as the boar is neither as clever nor as world wise as the sheep. Indeed, in this union, the sheep will generally steer the boar out of dangerous waters, and the latter will be happy to accept it with a smile and good grace!

Sheep Years:
1919 1931 1943 1955 1967 1979 1991 2003

My conclusion:
Rabbit sounds interesting to play politics in bed with. Imagine that guy is a power grabber… Ok, I am not too happy playing subtle games with my man. The years as indicated, oh well, only 1975 sounds the most appropriate but still not so young… sheesh!

Erm, actually the sheep is the one that attracts me most! Sounds like my fair prince on a white steed to sweep me off my feet! I don’t mind standing behind this guy, cos’ behind every successful man, stands his woman. That role would suits me best. Like this age old saying, for a successful woman behind a successful man, she has to be an economist in the living room, dunno what in the kitchen, and a devil in the bedroom. I like the idea of being the best for my partner. As it said, the most compatible pairings in the Chinese astrology! WOW! Obviously the only thing I disagree is about the clever and world wise bit… Nope I do not like to think that I am dumb or any signs of bimbo-ism, but I would say it’s more likely I let my man lead the way. I think in most of my relationships I tend to let the man play his role. I shall be the hapless little waif here… lol

Oh well, the years again, most are way too old for me… gotta axe those out! Sorry, I young but I don’t need an old man here to play hero. 1979 is the year… my target segment. Hahaha applying my marketing principles here. The rest too young, don’t bother applying. Thanks!

So any applicants?

Did I mention that I will make a great mother? My maternal instincts are in full mode and my biological clock is ticking like a time bomb now. Ooh, Wednesday nite saw my two little beautiful princesses again.. Xuan fell aslp next to me in the car, she actually allowed me to carry her. The sweet little thing cried when the car rolled into my estate and she refused to let me go. She wanted to come to my place to sleep with me. My heart just melt… her little giant sister, played footsie with me and licked my fingers all gooey. Gosh! I am really fallin madly in love with those little pixies!

Come on Mr. Sheep where are u now???
Make me yours and I make you the father of my babies!
3 ok???
Please just work hard! At the office and in my bed… heehee**
ok that sounds a little bit sick...

If you wanna know your perfect match, go read Lilian Too’s Chinese astrology books.
I think it is pretty useful and I am a firm believer in horoscope both English and Chinese.
Both are usually distinctively accurate in its predictions. Like I should just avoid Librans cos’ frankly either they break my heart or end up breaking me… No Leos too… too much cheating…
I cannot date a snake unless I decided my life is not worth living anymore… thank you!

can't seemed to be able to upload my entry for yesterday. i have no idea what is wrong. maybe god's telling me that everything is spiralling too fast and i might just hit the low down hard.

oh well.. it is my life...

i feel so bad now thinking about how things began between O and me. i should not have started something that i know eventually will not work out especially when i did not work out what i really wanted at that point of time. now to having hurt someone with my brutal honesty that things weren't meant to be if i had think carefully, i feel so sick of myself.

in reality, i used him to escape from my fears and insecurities. i needed an outlet to take me away from my then pain. i needed someone who will need me. eventually i chose to reject that cos' i couldn't take it anymore knowing that, that is not what my heart wants. i was in denial trying so hard to play a make believe game that my life is fulfilled. my focus wasn't him and i knew that despite he is in my life and should be at any point of time, the sole focus of attention. yet i was busy giving attention to my past.

the past months i lived in my past, thinking about those happy times i had. i didn't dare to return to those times fearing the rejection that at that point of time i was attached. being attached also somehow stigmatized my social life. i wanted very much to be able to see my friends like i did and to see the people whom i wanted to so much. especially seeing someone who i really did liked before all these began.

my life went downhill and full stop. i was lonely and wanted to see those friends so badly yet afraid to take the step knowing that he sneers and that would just hurt me so bad. i cannot face him in that alone. mask my fears and stood in my pride i refused to step back into the past as much as i crave for it. it is not the clubbin that matters, it is because i know that i still see this guy as a friend, and i wanted us to still be friends no matter what. i remembered so well the days we talked till the end of the world, the mornings that i went to work with dark circles.

i remembered the drunkness and sober states we were. i remember that we once cherished each other. now to have him called me just a mere acquaintance. it hurts so much to know that he has despised me to this state. i don't see myself having to put up with it if he cannot understand me. sometimes it is easier and better to let go before the hurt gets too deep and it would be harder to walk away without the pain showing. i still have my dignity now.

i remembered being curious enough to get infatuated with this guy. curious becos he aroused such instinct in me when i think i know more the least i understood him. when i thought i didn't know him at all, he displayed a different side and got me wanting more.

now i fell for him again and this time it is not an infatuation. this doesn't feel like those little games men and women used to play but i fell in line and i know that i might sink really fast. he gives me the high but bring the low really down on me. i felt bad and foolish. i felt insignificant but i cannot help it. i want him bad becos i know that things will fall in place. he is stringing me up and i cannot stop the baiting.

and now on a wed nite, i am battling the blues in my life. coming to the middle of this week which i thought i should be still celebrating my eurphoria, now everythin crashed. bcos i really don't know what he wants. if it is still a game till now, i really can't afford the time to play. not especially when my feelings are genuine now. i have no idea how to tell him that i like him. i am afraid that if i do so, he might just slip through my fingers again.

but when i am with him, he made me feel outasite! out of this world. he made me smiled endlessly even when i am thinking about him. he made me think of him every time at any point. he made me feel like i am the centre of his world. that is when i see him. it is hard to contact him cos he simply don't give a damn. replying to a text probably have to wait till stone age returns. he drives me mad waiting but keeps me on fire when we meet. what does a girl gotta to do to tell this man she is crazy about him?

i am wrecked with guilt and misery, filled with foolish hopes and lost dignity. i want to escape but i know if i don't hear the truth. it will all return twice fold.

sometimes you have fight your own battle to determine where you stand in the beginning. i have a war to wage and answers to search for but i think i am having some sort of problem here.

i am scared and nervous to play royale battle femme fatale now. i have alot of questions stuck in my head like some old sappy song. i have thousands of whys but no answers to match. i have this need to know but at the same too scared to venture out of my shell.

i need to go read up some self help books to pull me out of this spinning web. i am spinning my own threads to nowhere. i need to check out my juunishi and horoscope for matches made in heaven and some divine answers perhaps only books can provide. a light to define where am i standing now.

i am sick. coughing and caught the flu bug. my cramps are killin me slowly, as i wasted inch by inch to eternality. ok, i don't think i will die but today is a terrible day. still, my faith is very much alive! i am still happy and smiling and waiting...

waiting for a call or even a message. take things easy here... creating time and space... went home early from work to rest, and skipped class again.. looks like i have to hit my books very soon. but i missed him and i can't help it.

i am thinking and thinking about the one and only that i think i might not be able to work this week. gotta settle a couple of stuff before i go on leave this friday... will he ask me out again?

well, frankly i am keeping my fingers cross...

1st, focus to get well... no fun having take turns falling sick....

does this means it is good or what?

When Scorpio and Pisces make a love match, theirs is a splendid union of much respect and understanding. These mates share the same Element -- Water -- and thus have keen insight into one another's minds and hearts. Scorpio is very profound and covert, often caught up in their own secret plans, while Pisces is idealistic and looks for the nuances of a situation. However, Pisces also has a tendency to withdraw into their own mind, and can forgive Scorpio for being mysterious or withdrawn at times.
Both Signs are intuitive and in touch with the subtleties of human interaction. Scorpio can help Pisces fulfill dreams and ambitions -- to turn ideas into reality. The Scorpion will provide a steadfast foundation for the relationship to revolve around, and the more ephemeral and intuitive Fish will become entangled in Scorpio's web. In return, Pisces offers gentleness, kindness, and sympathy, which Scorpio admires and appreciates. Scorpio is interested in certain material comforts and intense emotional dramas, and at times cannot understand the simplistic, charitable attitude of Pisces. Their long-term aspirations can be completely unalike. Once they can understand and overcome this difference, theirs will be a very rewarding relationship.
Mars and Pluto rule Scorpio, and Jupiter and Neptune rule Pisces. Mars is the ancient God of War, and Scorpio individuals are living proof of this aggressive, courageous, daring and sometimes-belligerent influence. When Pluto combines with Mars, Pluto comes to symbolize new beginnings. Scorpio can take it, but they can also most certainly give it. Jupiter's rule of Pisces represents philosophy, expansion and excesses. The Neptunian influence gives Pisces a dreamy aura and a love for popular culture and media. Pisces dreamy, ethereal energy softens their Scorpio love's rough edges. The composite power of these four planets creates a balanced relationship, one of drama and emotional intrigue; this is a true celestial bond. However, a Scorpio mate must let their beloved Fish swim about a bit; a sensitive Pisces will suffocate under too many demands.
Scorpio and Pisces are both Water Signs. They're so compatible because Water is a tangible, physical entity, and both Signs appreciate and use this characteristic to their advantage. The destiny of a Pisces is to bring people together, and when this energy meets Scorpio's intensity and tenacity, there is no stronger bond. Also, Scorpio has an absolutist view of life; everything is either golden or tarnished. A patient Pisces opens the world up to their Scorpio mate, allowing them to see the bigger picture rather than just all that minute detail. Scorpio could grow weary of Pisces's unsteadiness, and Pisces may see Scorpio as self-absorbed and insensitive to their emotional needs. Still, it's not beyond these partners to seek out and find a compromise.
Scorpio is a Fixed Sign, and Pisces is a Mutable Sign. Scorpio puts their energy into one thing at a time, but Pisces skips around to wherever their feelings take them. Pisces, as a Mutable Water Sign, then, molds easily into their Scorpio lover's life and pastimes. In turn, Scorpio needs to give Pisces the freedom to enjoy personal interests. A Pisces can show a Scorpio that flexibility can be fun and exciting, that compromise can be reached without a big fight or struggle. The energies of a Scorpio and a Pisces feed off of one another's energy well, making for a powerful and emotionally satisfying union.
What's the best thing about a Scorpio-Pisces love match? Their similarly intense emotional natures, their shared sensitivity to the undercurrents of life, to the more ethereal magic of love. This is a relationship of harmony and fulfillment. Scorpio and Pisces both live empathetically and seek true, profound commitments, and this connection will keep the ties strong and their love enduring.

i need to address some issues! ms. mel if u think i am not reading your blog then you have a real big prob! hmmm... alot of things to say about me ritey? hmmm... i do dote on you kids at work ok! you're all my babies!

and this little girl said so much right here, http://melissachuajiaying0629.spaces.live.com/ ...
so sad... who sez i am mature yet not mature? i am jus plain lovable... god be my witness...

btw the way mel... tomorrow you shall work for me until death comes to you! HO HO HO!!!!

care to explain why is charlene stupid for asking u to stay back for OT huh huh huh????
u are earnin money ms. mel... OT rates you dummy! anyway, i am not gg to waste my time trading insults with you since i had my fill tradin insults on sunday, in fact an overdose...
**puiz**

anyway glad u think i knocked some sense into you... i am always a friend lar... just don't call me auntie!

kids are some damn lovable at all ages except those nasty little brats at the rotten age of 19 like my sister... yeuuccckks!

i missed my intern babies.... i missed ms. huiying that pale stick, wan teng that auntie heyheys, jeannie that bruise eye, zi rong that P.T.A - personal traumatized assistant of mine and i missed my little ching ching who called me omani... sorry i can't play mummy if you are already 19...
so weird.... call me da jie please....
i am a crowd pleaser... yep i am the crowd so please me now!

i am waiting. so call me will u? waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...

this is 1 waiting game i won't get bored...

text me text me text me text me text me text me text me text me...
please?

i think to an extent, i am old fashioned. let them pursue their little joys and happiness. life is quaint living a quiet life in a house with little happiness.

happiness is when you love the man next to you,
when he wakes up in the morning, looking 10 years older than the night before.
A sequence he repeats each morning you open your eyes to,
a little something you never get bored of.

happiness is when you made breakfast and you see everyone at the table together.
happiness is when babies stayed smiley and cry only when they hurt and your hear melts in your mouth, when you see the eyes so blue.
happiness is when the night falls, you lay by this man you gave yourself to,
every bit of him you never fail to be amazed.
a movie to spend your time with your man, simple. happiness.

a cup of coffee on a wet afternoon, a lazy cookie and feet playing footsie under the coffee table.
a quick jump in the showers and a good old massage for two.
a gentle kiss on your lips as he returns from a night with the boys.
a smile everytime you read something that reminds you of your past youth with him.
a swat of the ladle that hit the food thief when you are away from your cooking.
a stroll in the park, hands locked and fingers twined.
a ring made of grass in show of creativity in the poor days' storm.
a peaceful sleep just holding each other close.
a whiff of his scent, makes the bees weak to fall and you'd go right through the ground.
the 1st born, he smiled, a tear like never before and his heart is in your hands,
for you are the mother of his child.
you gave the light in the night and he played knights and kings all day long.

an old tv set, some old movies, horror to scare you right into his arms and romance to keep him
snoring into yours.
the little funnies he made that you laughed all over the kitchen counter.
the farts and barfs and burps you played together when the light is out and no one is around.
steal a kiss from him in front of your kids early morning, family day out and school's day,
your kids go yeuuckss and both smiled that little moment kept you together.
grow old together, fingers still twined, hands still holding and lips still touching.
his warmth in your bed, his arms to protect you from the boogie monster and the blanket you called ours.

look how day turned into night and days into years and years into ...
that little quaint life...

i am still smiling... today is a hot day with the door banging at me and my mom's yelling for me to bugger off to work. today feels like sunday. though it's monday but a day without the blues. i am on a trip to the skies above. spreading alittle joy on my way to east where work is.

a little blue, red, green and yellow climb my way through. pitter patter into me... today the 3 of us so close to the uncertainty of keeping our jobs are like giggly babies. we googled and oogled at everything. the cheery air never left. we spreaded that joy i brought today in a lunchbox set to share. that lunchbox except might be alittle late to come. we laughed about losing houses, taking to the skies, japan and her famous instant noodles to share, hiding at the back of my wardrobe away from my sister that monster. we skittered in whoops of laughter, about why oni-san is so old, tokyo a beautiful city, big round bald heads that melted sara's heart and inner of her other self, having babies, H's daughters whom i adored so much, falling in love, having his kids, smiling like no one ever did. i was on a competition to make the world's longest smile. yep it lasted all day in sequence and won't stop yet...

that secret molten dip in me turning me swoosh and upside down. a slow roller coaster ride with the thrill that pits in the pool of my centre. this vanilla sweetness stays in my mouth. the lollipop we all hungered for seemed to have arrived. that exclusive taste travelled in time to reach my red tongue sweltered in my mouth. i hungered for that taste again... hahaha sometimes we are just born to be happy bunnies and little monkies.

we lived this green land, for the brightest light above and the cool wind in our hair. the strongest kept in our hearts and the weakest we threw down the river wide. as clouds formed and passed us by, we stood still in the still of day born into night. the silence of the sounds getting louder, the humming of our quiet trickling down. each day comes and new awakening rose to the great faith of ours. life is not so bad after all.

look at how i smiled today... i am happy. for the simplest reason.
because i am therefore i am :)

i think at the end of the day, a proposal itself is undeniably the best thing that can happen to a girl. the misconception of the ring has been made too important. ultimately should you love that man so much that your heart aches so badly, the ring only serves the purpose of reminding you of your love for that man each passing day in your life then on. somehow, i just got this feeling should i be at the receiving of a proposal, i would probably be too overwhelmed by the fact that he loves me that much than to care what stone he sets on my finger. should he loves me that way, i think it is sufficient to say that he will love me each passing day always that way. a stone is not going to be a major factor to prove how much someone loves you. he can put a rock no less on my finger, a ring made of twine and flowers, a twisted metal piece found in a garage i will still love that very man who place a ring on my finger.

to think of all these, i guess i am preparing myself no less than what would come in the future. perhaps i have gotten myself ready too soon. but for the man i marry, i would the path with him until then. no less away than i give myself to him.
perhaps i think too much again...

i didn't mean for things to be this way. if it is possible, i rather things just be the same sweet way. i am happy just being able to spend the time quietly rather than to come off as a chance to do a trial test and error thing. phyiscally, nothing is important anymore. immaterialistically, happiness is self- pursuit, perhaps i have put myself in the vulnerable position just to assure myself your happiness is pursuited and attained. but perhaps life is not meant to be lived this way.

let's both be happy and let all be happy.

one is a funny, obnoxious and sadistic asshole. the other; quiet, sarcastic, mean, funny, sweet, smiley... the asshole vs the quiet bully...

the asshole once said out of the blue, he likes the girl now he is with.
that moment in its stillness holds, the silence both kept to.
acknowledgement would be fatal to both,
thus both lay to rest the matter that holds.
no answers given, no questions asked.
correction of what is supposed to be,
would ruin the pleasure within.
when morning comes, dawn to break the light across.
faces glow and passion fleeted.
lives resumed the paths each took.
a quiet morning down the fast lane.
the 1st to say goodbye shall win.
a mona lisa smile played within.
the roar went by, the phones are still.
no action nor movement till the night comes back.
a silent quest to search for the lost.
perhaps each in both found some consolence.
to breach what was light is not to be.
the quiet night stole away what was given
the bloom of day gave back the stolen.
in the end, no war was won
as no one fought the masses' will.
each shall be in each silent moment.
thinking of the next together held inside again.
just the warmth of each other to forget what is life meant to be.

the quiet bully waits in the lonely of the night.
he sat still and silent just waiting for the time to come.
the light moment came and he pounces on his prey.
the waif creature resists no more as in she, she knew it was to be.
the quiet bully holds a gentle touch.
a smile so soft, it melts her heart.
the little children came out to play as dawn peeks in the darken room.
a soft kiss on her lips.
another came soon not enough.
then fingers entwined and bodies meshed,
both melted into each other as the transition came alive.
hands not leaving, lips held on tight.
the still heat roars, the hearts burn bright.
the gentle morning light played a foolish game across where they lay.
the intensity there never was,
the smothering passion there never was.
but of the quiet one he played a song, riding the wave lightning through both.
of heat there was, of love she has, of the need they had for one another grew.
in that silence both carry the light in their cores,
creating that single path for both to walk.
the flame blew out and the buzzing began.
the world awoke to the unknown.
catch of breath and a gentle hold they had.
she smiles as she knew this is forever
he smiles as he drifted off to the other world.
the transition ended without trepassing neither worlds.
is this a start to where it was left or the end to what was desired?
she tries not to ask her heart nor ask of the quiet bully sleeping by her side.
her fingers never left as his smell lingers on her.
a deep breath bringing his headiness back into her,
seeps into her very centre where she keeps it safe.
as the fiery sun begans its battle, she closes her eyes to the world.
her quiet morning has just begun.

i am so damn exhausted. but i am so damn happy. before i begin talking in riddles, confusion and chaos, let me describe my feelings for this wonderful weekend.

friday night was a nice evening tho i am stuck at office doing OT. i was so damn shagged out by work yet i couldn't stop smiling. worse was when i was woken with a call at 4 am just to go for a ride in the cold early morning. yep, i smiled quite abit . the joker couldn't stop his lame one man conversation but he made me laughed so much in a span of 2 hours.

saturday night was out with the usual suspects. we found learnt a new way of sniper action for our BF - recap - Budget Force... shooter is an interesting movie to learn that wind, weather conditions, altitude will affect your shooting skills. i mean those with bullets... yep... my boss wanna play sniper now and we have to hunt for AK-47s.

we had also decided at a chill out over $1 nostalgic ice cream at the cold cold dam filled with bikers and a swift that wouldn't stop spinning round and round that we all should own lambos.. this is the way to advertise our agency for hire... mel's taking orange with white rims, kav the boss can't make up his mind, decided on a range of hues that would probably eat us out before we start making money and jas decided on white with black. i will always go with my black but that is if i can even touch the pedal not forgetting gettin that plastic card legalizing me to be wheel-bound in singapore. tat's life...

midst of our usual weekly BF meeting, i received a surprise message. surprise that i kept smiling and almost died and went to heaven that kind of surprise. i was so happy that i didn't really care about anything else. yep... i died and went to heaven that early morn at 0356hours.. :) happy is the word. silence consents my happiness descending to earth.

that ride home was undeniably fascinating. i was fascinated by the trees, the stark dark woods along the lit highway. the wind is in my hair and the music playing all around me. i was waiting for a response via my k800i..

tho it seems i waited in vain nevertheless for that message to come in the 1st place, i was already satisfied beyond words... my budget buddies were grinnin as i was lost in my bit of euphoria...

0612hrs - i was blasted by 8 messages... from a cool "wru" to a pissed off "winner" to maybe a slightly anxious "cannot tell ya"... imagine my frantic mode to get to that person who was about to blow my head off.. literally you can say i was blown off course...

to say my heart melted knowing that an anxious somebody wanted to see me is an understatement... that is the 1st time this someone actually said this to me... my heart died on me that instance... to hear that somebody was waiting for me and had wanted to look for me at the island of the dam... imagine that light breeze that kept me floating upwards... i wish this would be it and never never ever go away... my heart melted... hah! my heart was already in that somebody's hands... i was in transition of leaps and bounds... all the way to la la land...

when the request came through... well... this is the 1st request that i didn't even bother to think... i thought i mux be mad but if this is maddness i wouldn't really mind being so... this is also pure happiness... strangely so, i found myself calm tho i expected myself to be in state of hyper tensed up unsteadiness... god created a great female outta me.. hahaha

wee early hours, tellin my mom that i am off to nurse a sick friend from death's crutches... wee early hours, the sunniest day came into my life that morning... the cool air hits my face and i had to take 5 to re-compose my elated self back to control after seeing my dream...

needtheless to say i nursed a sick being back to some sorta better state... my kind words were exchanged for harsh words and confusion in that drunken lord but still nothin could bring me down... little fingers entwined that early morning... the gentleness of both beings lushed that morning light... we traded insults like little kids do, we shared secrets like secrets only us knew, we joked each waking hour, the sleep was short but sweet... i did a silly thing and recorded how that someone sounded and looked like asleep. that effect was devastating but funny moment for us both. we both knew that can't be shown... we were like little kids together... all happy, childish and funny lapses in between. we exchanged smacks and had mini pillow wars time to time. we watched a great deal of tv that is for me really alot since a long time... a horror movie that bounded me closer to hmmm... that someone's laughter rang besides me when i jittered in fear of the fading ghosts on tv... the cheeky smile and coaxin to make me open my eyes to watch those scenes that i might lose sleep over tonite..

little chats about having babies since my mother instincts kicked in after spending another nightmarish day with hueing's kids... both so damn lovable and now attached to me that my heart bleed dry... that graze in my eyes as i looked at the once little terrors.. i knew i had to be a mother soon and a wife to someone...

i am determined to conceive my own brood and raise my legacy for the father of my children and my happiness. it seems whatever i had shared at that moment made someone pleased that is if i am not wrong. the quesion came, when would i want to achieve all these... my answer is if i can't find the man for me to worship how can i give what i want for him? does that satisfy a curiosity? man, that is cheek.. pure cheek... :)

soon after night came, darkness falls and time past so fast that i knew i was going to leave all that behind. we went somewhere surrounded by people... a little girl touched me when i was buyin us some drinks and that sweet little smile she gave... i think seriously i need to settle down... in the cab on the way home, the topic arose and again back to some Q & A. my honesty set in and i determinedly said that i want to settle down by 26 with my kid to show to the world.. i tried to say that as proudly and confidently as i can. a smile came in response to assuring me that i can do it... disappointingly... again silence prevailed. that puts a stop there and then. but the question came that is the gun's trigger, what kind of partner i want? someone who loves me simply.. my smile in exchanged for that silence. and we both fell victim to that quietness in the cool cab...

in return i sent a text. showing my appreciation of having this chance to know that someone better and to have discovered a different side that i can related and really like so damn much. of course i didn't really say that.. i am still a girl and shy at that... heehee ;)

i am determined to grasp hold of this little light that fell on me and hopefully things blossom nicely... as i said smiling is always good... smile my day through and my blues away...
now i shall carry this smile through out this coming week ahead... no work is gon be hell for me now...

should i go? should i go? should i go? should i go? should i go? should i go?
should i go? should i go? should i go? should i go? should i go? should i go?
should i go? should i go? should i go? should i go? should i go? should i go?

i decided to write in riddles and using poetry in self expression and hopefully to better appreciate of the person i once were.

maybe to forget the days and nights that i lost myself.

to let go of people undeservingly trepassed my boundaries.

i remember those stark days that i wrote and wrote perhaps it is all returning.
i ended all things superficial and material that very time. perhaps
this is telling me to do so.

time to let go...

time to recognise the right place for me.

time to discard all things pretty outside but destroyingly grotesque inside
most of the time, those pretty things are humans...
several humans to axe out ...
several to go...

i need to get this out of my system becos i am no god.
seems like being friends is not as easy as it seems.
the hard work required in keeping those you think are meant for the ride
but most would refuse you in the simplest way
not by saying no but by walking away.
they called you an acquaintance. someone to hang around for the short term benefit
someone to hang around for the love of being happy
only happiness brings you acquaintances.
when you tried to be a friend, you went out the mile to be there like how they wrote in books
at the end of the day, the disappearing act just seems so unreal yet it ceases in your mind
that they were ever once there.
they only call you when they needed a good joke.
they said they missed you to keep you happy
so that the days of amusement will not end for them
for you are the dummy played out for their pleasure
they take you on a ride and you crashed and rode the wave with the bottle.
they took you to view the colours of the night, you went home in the black of the night
the light you thought you see, the dark actually you had.
you thought at that time, hey this is life being this happy
like a fool you were and still are when they acknowledged not you.
the day you ceased being fun, the day you were dropped out of their world
those days you thought you were needed
those nights you thought you had friends
all ended in a dream. all black and nothing can be seen
nothing can be felt...

you lost your heart. you stood up and walk away.
you understood this world. humans alike treat humans alike
nothing more nothing less.
maybe this is why we are created.
to be treated of the lesser part that we are.
a mirror war we waged against ourselves.
we feared loneliness we feared silence
we craved intensity but we feared the light when we are exposed
we are addicted to the crowd that we could stand and watch everyone pass us by.
to be the echo of each day ending, knowing that it all belongs to you.

this is the ugliness of humans and we still think that we are right.

i need to right the wrong
that is to move away from the wrong light
you are the wrong light in my life
and i am about to blow you out.

i get a rash seeing this old lady at work... sometimes i hear her constipated laugh and her hive-tensed face... god... i needed a god to protect me...

god... i am gettin bitchy nowadays...
can't help it... work's killin me..
since i'm dying might as well drag another to hell...

let's burn together maybe we stay better
somehow perhaps happiness is just a step away..
to the end of the world, the near is ending
in a way or another, we are jus fade...

read this in my girl's blog found it damn cute... such pretty love...



what every kiss means

~Kiss on the stomach = "Im ready"
~Kiss on the Forehead ="i hope we'retogether forever"
~Kiss on the Ear = "Your my everything"
~Kiss on the Cheek = "We're friends"
~Kiss on the Hand = "I adore you"
~Kiss on the Neck = "we belongtogether"
~Kiss on the Shoulder = "I want you"
~Kiss on the Lips = "I love you"

What the gesture means...

~Holding Hands = "we definitely loveeach other"
~Slap on the Butt = "That's mine"
~Holding on tight = "i don't want tolet go"
~Looking into each other's Eyes = "isincerely love you"
~Playing with Hair = "Tell me you loveme"
~Arms around the Waist = "I love youtoo much to let go"
~Laughing while Kissing = "I amcompletely comfortable with you"


--Advice--Dont ask for a kiss, take one.


If you were thinking about someonewhile reading this,you're definitely in Love.

P.S: kiss me on my nose... hmmm... i like it but i don't no wat it means...
hmmm... no one's gettin lucky tho...

not that easy...

i wanna complain.... i so damn allergic to ugliness. where am i now looking at these four walls, i only see stark bleakiness... so damn ugly. people here... things here... processes here... life here...
i'm ranting... i hate it here. this is like a bloddy cold womb of some dead beast. and i am stuck with the machine in front of me...

sick of here... wanna be somewhere else now. my happiness is seeping out... my pores are spilt to let it flow...

never tell anyone how much you needed sex...
cos you might get someone else in trouble...
namely the friend you shared your need with...

i learnt this the hard way... through a friend...
needtheless to say... nope... i am not in the receiving end...

i no longer crave for something like that...
look at those white skinny buttocks bouncing off between those white flabs u called thighs...
yep... this image helps...
you will never look at sex without thinking of that...

unless you are talkin abt a magnificant pillar... phallus... dong.... dick... wiener.... loch ness....
anaconda.... hotdog.... franks....

now that is perfectly a work of art isnt't it?

rode a fast car lately which berth says that tall thing behind is so ugly. yup. she meant the spoiler. almost broke my neck with each brake he tapped on the road. my neck felt for worse. but the cruise was good. the drive was good. the car is a monster. of cos the driver that i can't make myself say what he is. ok. a guy. that's all.

there is something wrong with the way i wear my shoes. my heels are wearing off so fast that i might skid the next time i walk. good bye to my feet and time to fly high by...

i hate drinking... i hate the taste of alcohol in my mouth and on my tongue. i hate that sense of levitation and that rough ride out into the sunlight the next morning i open my peepers. ooh... i hate it when my head goes round and round... and my stomach is right in my mouth.

i mux think rationally...

some guy said i looked nice minus that height factor... look! heads up and don't look further. i'd look my best always... stop staring down my head... good news... you can always see over my head, who's behind... what's new... love's bored and life's bloomed..

wonder where will i go this week...

mummy's outta town till friday... home with a pitbull who's gon rip me inside out...
what a life...

reminds me.. never ask berth what car is it... cos she will tell ya...
A SILVER CAR!

Someone to hold me tight
That would be very nice
Someone to love me right
That would be very nice
Someone to understand
Each little dream in me
Someone to take my hand
And be a team with me

So nice, life would be so nice
If one day I'd find
Someone who would take my hand
And samba through life with me

Someone to cling to me
Stay with me right or wrong
Someone to sing to me
Some little samba song
Someone to take my heart
And give his heart to me
Someone who's ready to
Give love a start with me

Oh yeah, that would be so nice
I could see you and me, that would be nice

yep i am still not asleep. i am tired and my eyes are hurting and my memory still replaying thursday nite. interestingly enough things are set in motion. i got interested in someone again hahaha... i pretty much haf to say that no i am not thinking along the sexual agression but more of a romantic interlude that never really ended. of course if it is meant to be platonic it would be wouldn't it?

ok some relationships are better off platonic otherwise things might go haywire again for me and i will probably get screwed all over again. and i think for once i accept that platonic terms are easier to handle. and some things are better left to be cherished this way. but i think this time.. i found someone or rather i re-discovered someone that i might be able to handle for once. let's leave all complications out cos i really am able to live without those!

for someone who smile when i told him that i ended things earlier with O... there are 2 reasons that came to my mind... either O is a true blue jerk that this guy is rejoicing on my behalf or he probably did liked me and still does. i had been thinking about this long and hard since thursday night and hoped that the latter reason would be it. of course either reason stand strong to me... either he is really a pal beyond the club scene or he is someone i can meet up beyond the club scene... as long as out of the club...

interestingly, he kinda opened up more that nite than i previously heard him. he barely stringed more than 10 sentences the nites i seen him and to have him talked almost away unlike before got me in full motion... i was happy that he noticed my change and to have a compliment beyond the physical appearance is even better. that got me perked up.

him sharing with me some about himself and people pretty much around.. him telling me honestly his thoughts on the people we put ourselves with... i was hoping it is not the words of a drunken lord. i was elated that i could be part of his inner self to share. it was a secret and that led to another to be kept between us. i was happy...

u see... when i was relating about my change and road to walk now in my earlier post, i was not wrong... things will come around... and i think things are looking up. though i played up my optimism, i believed that if it has to fall i will still lived and be happy as before. bcos i know my strengths and weaknesses and chose to play my strengths than to give in to my weaknesses.
he made me happy that nite and kept me smiling even more over the weekend. thank you for that and i hope things might work alittle further from there on...

i decided to show case the different looks of b.W cos it was the 1st time ever since 8 jan i saw him. and i just gotten some new shots of him. i decided to make a beautiful layout of this guy for anyone's viewing pleasure. i think he has a funny face. :)

someone said that i have changed quite abit on thursday night. i supposed it is a good thing cos all i remembered was he smiled quite abit. that would be good to know that i have done something not too bad this year. almost half a year is gone and i supposed it is not in vain.

quite a few things changed in my life. i am no longer attached. lost some weight. smiled alot more lately. calm down alot. relax quite abit. gotten quite happy lately. learnt a few important lessons about life. yep i pretty much achieved some good karma for my afterlife.

when i was told that my change noticeable is a good one, i nearly mocked how i used to be. that was one grave act i put up knowing that i do detest how i used to be. when i looked up at that moment and saw how this dear friend of mine was behaving. i did a quick reflection and thank my stars that i woke up in time. between there and then, i shared a secret smile with my inner self and that someone who noticed the good difference. that smile was strangely distant yet satisfying.

i knew that i have lost a deal since the start of the year but gained alot more in these 3 short months. i gained a quiet sort of peace and i realised that i am a lot happier with myself than to be unhappy for all that i am not. i gave away too many things in the past. now i will not do so. i learnt in the end, i have to know who stays on the same road as i walk.

though i lost those happy people and the so-called fun times, yes i do missed that once a while. thinking strangely why i don't hear from them. i lost contact with some whom i consider more than just acquaintances, that i sorely regretted. now is to make amends while i can. some i think i can live without. seeing the changes going all rotten, despite trying to reach out... i guess sometimes people are like branches of trees... time to axe off when that branch cease the urge to exist.

i also realised that there is someone romantically might be somehow reachable. maybe in that zone he is the only one who noticed my visible change. someone who is aware of me and the difference i made up. someone who separates me from the sea of others in the same motion. i played a role of withstanding that motion. i sought myself.

i learnt not to feel so negative about myself anymore. i learnt that it is who am i not what i am that made me so in this life. i learnt that if people cannot accept me or decidedly feel that i should not be who i am, there is really no need to stick on tight to that thought others created. ultimately my happiness is in my own hands.

i realised that i am distinctly different from what i used to be like. i was noisy senselessly but now i am noiseless sensibly. i decided that i have my quiet moment and to be how i was i really cannot do that. i decided that it is tough to play a fool all the time. i will not be a joke of myself. i like myself this way better. i like my smile this way as well. i am genuine and smiling just keeps the blues away. i decided that there is nothing at this point in my life that i am upset with.

i see those who play the roles of fools smile ingenuinely when there is nothing cheery about drink not because they are happy but to be happy. giving in to the bottle to keep their blues within. i think that was what i thought that life is like. just like in the movies as they played the roles so well. i took it my path that i would played the fiddle so well. but nothing much in life was they say would be in the movies. why do we believe something so much when life is apart from what it actually is?

to be happy is to know what you really want in this life. ask not for material but the immaterial things that would be infinite happiness. simple things best often said to be the most complicated but i realised the simplest amongst what is available this life is often the most precious things defined.

i ask for a good book to read in bed, good music that come my way. a nice tall glass of passion fruit soda to make my day and best of all my dear pals to share the day. i am happy to club once a FULL moon, movies during the weekends and dinner with my best friend. coffee on sunday evenings and a date once awhile would be nice. work of course and school is good. let me smile all day and sweet dreams to bless my morning next.

simple conversations each and everyday... little gossips as girls would be... a dreamy afternoon and a cloudy day... the sun over my head when i am at work... my shades over my eyes when the clouds disappear... a long bus ride to school be smooth... that gentle smile, in that secret i keep... over that weekend, feels like a little charm. i am pretty much happy.