Wednesday, August 22, 2007
i realised tears do run dry on their own. had a sudden rush in my veins this afternoon, warning me that my dam is about to break loose. i told myself to head home and let loose in my little corner on this earth.somehow, home i was, my tears are already dried in its own well. contained and subdued by nothing at all.
i wonder if i am going through a state of depression or just plain losing my mind.
however, i would not mind the latter.
i am moving out of wherever i am staying start of the year.
i pray and i hope this will happen. where will i stay, until earth is no more, home is wherever i want it to be. yeah if i were rich enough to do that. well, i am in the midst of discussion aka friendly debate before war of words begin..., with mr. koh...
swimming pool, swimming pool, swimming pool...
backyard, backyard, backyard...
gym, gym, gym, gym...
nice bedroom... :)
BIG WARDROBE, preferably walk in style, or just give me 1 room for my stuff!
somewhere near town? hmmm... food for thought now...
i think my tear ducts are on active mode again... shit my tears are having some menstruating issue...
1:15 AM
Sunday, August 19, 2007
had a nightmare on friday nite. think i was so overwhelmed with my new job. had no time for anything else thus leading to my sub-consciousness wandering in the midst of my vulnerability.
i woke up with my pillow wet with tears. guess the dam was about to burst anytime. come to think about that dream was abit off as well. if babywipes knew what's the dream about he would be telling me this: "you are delusional." yeah rite...
yup i dreamt i was losing someone precious. to a friend. for what reason? well i love my friend so in order for her to achieve her happiness I sacrificed mine at a steep price. man, my dream was so full of drama i tell you! it could be made into some HK drama series and win some bloody cool awards!
even i was touched by my own dream and i cried! cannot believe it that my imagination is so good! my hr trainer is always telling me as well! i should have believed him!
work is good and damn interesting! at least for my 2nd week. i learnt that i should not be wearing so damn high heels at work. thurs & fri were marathon days, boy i was busy walking up and down that i think i completed 2.4 click there and then! after work, i couldn't really feel my toes! it just reminded me of vic beckhams goin for the bunion removal surgery!
i think i need to get some tonics for this semester! missed out quite a fair bit of lessons and with the new job i think i might be on the verve of self-disembowelment! yeah when i get nervous i realli feel like farting. almost did happened to me during 1 interview! gosh! imagine i did tat!
haha anyway met so many different people that i felt like a traffic lightpost. so many vehicles stopping and moving away. gosh! well, there are plenty of gossip around like whose candidate is cute and stuff. ok i found that boring. haha i grew up and no longer crave to look at pretty things! what counts is inner beauty! yeah!
like my mr. koh! hmmm... sometimes i think even having problems lookin at his inner beauty! thank god he is not reading this! really, he can be a worst irritating bitch than me at times! and the worst thing, he does a better job out of it than me! but he is adorable!
ok that is beginning to sound damn sickening!
anyway go healthy is my motto! i can officially declared that i have stopped smoking unless deemed too stressed or under appropriate circumstances to pick up a stick, yeah i am clean! well, it feels healthier for sure, i think. :) well... i am after all reaching that age for child bearing purposes, so gotta keep healthy!
i wonder how many kids can i have? i am so worried that i will have none. this is not an option!
6:39 PM
Saturday, August 11, 2007
this is a horrible week i ever had. sometimes i feel it is so hard to care as a friend. it gets harder to maintain this simple rule of respect. especially when the other party feels that you should know every damn thing and to ad-here to their styles. that word respect is so damn hard for anyone to understand it seems.
i was feeling so down but i didn't want to talk about it.
my own buddies. seems like they have forgotten that i am still a girl. do not expect me to be mollycoddle every damn girl you bring to the gin gang and i am what some under paid nanny? i am not even paid for all these damn work. sometimes i feel they care more about those people on a pit stops with us and their expectations of me to perform is like is that what's expected of me?
jus bcos i am your buddy doesn't mean i have to do every damn thing. sometimes i wonder should i ask madam would you like me to clean your ass? how about licking for you while i am at it? yup i felt very much taken for granted. both parties at it. ladies and gentlemen, butt out now.
i am not paid, i am not a maid, nor a nanny. and i do not enjoy being taken for a ride.
thank god for mr koh. though i didn't tell him what was going on but i was glad to hear his voice. him and his grumbles. hadn't seen him in a while. but yeah hearing him earlier, i thought i was going to lose it and break down. perhaps i was happy perhaps to release my frustrations.
i don't know what's going on inside me lately. since my trip back, i have been getting these god damn sized migraines. i am being eaten inside out. it has been going on for days.
i wish i can see him though.
had a funny dream about my affectionate friend. something about coffee and sunny weather and a ring. i couldn't quite remember what is going on but everything came in flashes. but it was a good dream.
7:19 PM
Thursday, August 02, 2007
You should be stronger than me
You been here 7 years longer than me
Don't you know you supposed to be the man,
Not pal in comparison to who you think I am,
You always wanna talk it through - I don't care!
I always have to comfort you when I'm there
But that's what I need you to do - stroke my hair!
Cos' I've forgotten all of young love's joy,
Feel like a lady, but you my lady boy,
You should be stronger than me,
But instead you're longer than frozen turkey,
Why'd you always put me in control?
All I need is for my man to live up to his role,
Always wanna talk it through - I'm ok,
Always have to comfort you every day,
But that's what I need you to do - are you gay?
I've forgotten all of young love's joy
Feel like a lady, but you my lady boy
He said 'the respect I made you earn -
Thought you had so many lessons to learn'
I said 'You don't know what love is - get a grip!' -
Sounds as if you're reading from some other tired script
I'm not gonna meet your mother anytime
I just wanna rip your body over mine
So tell me why you think that's a crime
I've forgotten all of young love's joy
Feel like a lady, but you my lady boy
stronger than me amy winehouse
oh well... sometimes we are just this tough ones that bend and break so easily by the weaker men next to us.
4:32 PM
All I can ever be to you,
Is a darkness that we knew,
And this regret I had to get accustomed to,
Once it was so right,
When we were at our high,
Waiting for you in the hotel at night,
I knew I hadn't met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don't know why I got so attached,
It's my responsibility,
And you don't owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And in this grey, in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own,
I don't understand,
Why do I stress A man,
When there's so many better things at hand,
We could a never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is inevitable withdrawal,
Even if I stop wanting you,
A Perspective pushes thru,
I'll be some next man's other woman soon,
I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men,
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And it's OK,
In this blue shade,
My tears dry on their own,
So we are history,
YOUR shadow covers me
The sky above,
A blaze only that lovers see
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And it's OK,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own,
I wish I could SAY no regrets,
And no emotional debts,
And as we kiss goodbye the sun sets,
So we are history,
The shadow covers me,
The sky above a blaze that only lovers see,
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And it's OK,
In this blue Shade,
My tears dry on their own,
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And it's OK,
My deep shade,
My tears dry
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And it's OK,
My deep shade,
My tears dry.
Amy Winehouse - tears dry on their own
seems pretty much this might happen to those rich enough to be on my tv screen and famous enough to be almost anywhere.
4:29 PM
on contrary, i really don't like sheeps anymore. bleep exactly for nothing, just like what they are made of. just woolly and nothing more. beneath it all, all skin and bones, a pathetic life to a pathetic self.
so mel i hope that settles your thoughts about the story of the sheep and the pig.
this evening, mr. koh and i worried each other. oh yeah. i got pissed off at him. worried cos' i couldn't reach him. turned out he was busy entertaining some weirdoes from china ok CLIENTs. i hate it when he tells me it's entertainment for business purposes. i hate the fact is that it would be a drink drank drunk nite jus like that. to a stupor all becos of business. that is like the no. 1 drink driving killer ever. he doesn't believe in taxis. or to say the service is sufficiently of a satisfactory level to get him home, safe. period.
and i hate the fact he is bangin on the idea of me getting my license. i am not going to drive his damn car even after getting that damn plastic card. if i break any part of it... i think i have work so damn hard to pay the repair charges in installments. he mite just kill me to make things easier. seriously that option appeals at least to him. would appeal that is....
i should stop being such a prissy princess. mdm doll is calling me one now. just becos i put my foot down about that damn car thing. just bcos you're rich doesn't mean you need 2 cars. hello. there is only 1 of u. my reasoning works no wonders with mr. koh. i am just not impressed with the fact that he can afford it. i cannot afford getting in and out of a car too expensive. it ruins my butt and i have to dress like a refugee to avoid those eyes staring. proud of him and his achievements just not proud enough to flaunt it yet.
for goodness sake, date a young guy ambitious and all but all empty talk and none to be. date an older man who knows how to take care of himself better and fears creep in and lay close like dear old friends. cos' those fears are of what people might say. had this conversation with ling ling at work yesterday. my biggest fear would be the hardest to conquer is the fear of hurtful gossip. i know bounded tags wag harder but i still hate it. ok it would really be bad when friends' tongues go wild on me. i am not saying the BF cos i know they are on my side. and that is why i love them and will be always with them forever and ever till the end of days and nights or whichever comes 1st.
but i really cannot prevent what acquaintances might say. i mean yeah why should i be afraid? like now both of us having to avoid certain damn people cos of all these damn words surfacing. either he is no good or i am no good. heck we are not playing some super heroes u dumb fuck! i am not goin to fly and save the world from some snaggling google eyed funky monster that flies on some machine instead of super power. if i cannot save you from you what makes you think i can save them from whatever?
iz like just bcos he entertains doesn't mean he is an old lewd pervert. just bcos i club doesn't mean i am bad or evil or whatever. i love the ministry but some old acquaintances are making it so damn difficult to go there and stay calm and collected. gosh mr. koh told me what that dumb fuck said i was like... ... excuse me. i do know how to pay ok! and paying for u was just being nice that's all. doesn't mean i pay for you means i wanna sleep wit you. gosh if everytime i pay for someone and i had to sleep with that person, i think i will be accused of child rape, unnatural sex or whatever perversive whatevers! mr. koh may have small eyes but they are pretty sharp.
anyway next trip to the ministry would be jus BF and new found chums. no more old ones. heck to be honest some of those are like old perverts themselves to begin with. i sincerely forgive that pervert for his unkind mouth. may he rot in hell. anyway i do hope the young friends who are now sticking on with this old man do keep their eyes open. age does come with experience. and experienced to con that is a grave mistake to make. anyway some of the young ones are not dumb themselves. except that sheep. chicken is the smart one there. hopefully. i do pray pretty often for my chicken friend. his health. his health yeah i hope. that was what i was really praying for. sometimes i just slipped into this daze and star into space. counting the stars or whatever that comes into my head. nope sheeps are no longer fashionable to count when you couldn't sleep. that would call for the world's greatest insomanic problem. heartbrokenia. hahaha... damn sheeps.
some are just nice like Cavey. unpretentious and all. ok i do not claim to know him well but yeah let me praise him to insult the other sheep i know. this digression makes me feel so much better to bed now.
mr. koh is fast asleep, drank too much and still have to work tomorrow. was supposed to meet me for breakfast today... he couldn't sneak out in time. he will be meeting my colleagues for the damn bbq next friday. Ooo i am excited. they ordered his fav fishballs and i am making teriyaki chicken kebabs for everyone. i am starting work next tuesday right after my KL trip. mr. koh wanna get perfume. i mean he buys them himself. i just ordered miracle. never like that until i smelt it off a guy. a very nasty nasty guy whom i should altogether forget oh well that little fashionable thing he did by dousing himself in women's fragrance is a pretty good marketing gimmick. at least now i appreciate the scent and mr. koh would defintely like it. i wanna get the chanel one which sara sampled it for me. it is wow so me.
ah as long as it pleases mr. koh. it is just like that. when you are really truly in love, you just want to please that person only. the best thing, we are both doing that for each other. he is just about the sweetest pig i know. and i really do not like sheeps. i don't give a damn about what the fengshui book says anymore. at least mr. koh does not do things in a faggoty way like sheeps do. as it is, faggots have got more principles than the wool that sheep has. faggots are works of art at least, that sheep is just plain abnormal. i will not say i hate that sheep just that is just plain untruth but i do not like that sheep that very much anymore. in fact i am working hard to achieve a "huh?" when it comes down to that sheep. sieving him off my mind and brain is tough work but results are visible and my hard work is paying off.
so thank you very much the only sheep i like to have is leg of lamb roasted to a crisp with mint sauce and rosemary herbs.
1:47 AM
