My heart is not lonely or broken
It's not of ice or of gold
Nor has my heart ever spoken
To me when a love has grown cold
I felt not the faintest flatter

When you brushed my cheek as you passed
Nor will I willingly clutter
My life with these thing that don't last

Be still my heart
My heart be still
Be still my heart
My heart be still

If our eyes should meet then so be it
No need to trouble the heart
That is hidden where no one can free it
Only to tear it apart

Be still my heart (my heart be still)
My heart be still
Be still my heart
My heart be still

Beware, beware
(be still my heart)
to care, to care
(be still my heart)
beware, beware
(be still my heart )
to care, to care
(my heart be still)
beware, beware
(be still my heart)
My heart

Be still my heart
My heart be still
Be still my heart (my heart)
My heart be still
Be still my heart
My heart be still

My heart
Be still

My heart
Be still

There is no tender way to say it's the end
And so win or lose
I am forced to choose
Between a lover and a loving friend
Let me hear you say
How you curse the day
You opened up your heart to me
That you ever invited me in
Tell me I'm the loser and you win

I don't want to see you cry
I beg you try
Not to let the pain I'm causing reach your eyes
I don't want to see you cry
Aim your words like spears
Don't break me up by breaking down in tears

Hide your pain but when push comes to shove
Don't keep your pride
Locked deep inside
Rage against the dying of my love
Don't sigh my name
Give me all the blame
Call me heartless call me cruel
And accuse me of dealing in lies
Just don't let my leaving cloud your eyes

I don't want to see you cry
I beg you try
Not to let the pain I'm causing reach your eyes
I don't want to see you cry
Aim your words like spears
Don't break me up by breaking down in tears

Dreams come... dreams go
Some fade... some grow
Dream on, dream on
You've got no dream on
After I've gone

the funny little thing is i am still not over the same one. the silliest little thought came to my mind in the middle of the expressway on my way home. an early quiet morning, wee bright lights peaked the lonely road. the silence in the cab bored into my head. in my mind, that memory lingers, it spins whirls and whorls. and i can't forget...

coming in a rush, that moment i was bathed in a warm light and suddenly on the floor, in that darkened hall. it was a perpetual stillness. the people surrounds us stopped in the flow of time. a shiny light glows its way to us. i could just lived for that standstill. i can feel it in my blood that i don't want to leave. in a suddent lisp, a rush of time passes me by. it was over as soon as it starts. but i knew it has never really ended.

ever wonder how you can be with someone so close in your heart and lived for that one moment in time for that person to be united with you in that power only both of you holds but you know that in eventuality, that person will still leave you come day break and light falls? how can i put my heart in someone's hands in a mere emptiness, a sheer shell and it feels right? forever it is not the right word. but when he slips through my fingers, i know that it was never meant to be.

like a ghost he felt, so real but he passes me by. a smoky screen, an empty glass. a whisper in my ear and a steal of a glance. i tried to be disengaged my feelings and be separated as a being from consoling myself. i tried to be strong in the eyes of people around me. that blaze was too strong for me to hold on. i was wistful and wishing and hoping... trying to be bury it in my very core. it was a whimsical moment but i needed that to hold on to. there is nothing left of me and nothing more of him. in this world of that moment only us.

i cannot say i need him. i am only happy to have him near. that clean scent he carries. that lopsided wary grin.. that narrow light in his eyes. that special time means so much to me. i realise i have been living my life mirroring his. what is not right, slips past through my mind. i begun a war against myself, against my heart. i cannot let go. i can only cry quiet tears and each time i just keep stifling myself from that pain cuts so deep in me. am i miserable?

no i think. yes i am. very much. it's no one's fault for this little foolish game we have. i am not hurt by the consequences of all these. i am foolishly spiralling out of hand. into something i don't know where it will lead me to. all i know is. i can't forget and i can't let go. i will be just a ghost lingering uncertainly in that part of his world. i will be quiet. simple as it gets, this so-called platonism is a placebo. it displaces me but i needed it.

Here we are out of cigarettes, holding hands and yawning, look how late it gets,

Two sleepy people by dawn's early light, and too much in love to say goodnight.

Here we are in a cozy chair, picking on a wishbone from the Frigidaire,

Two sleepy people with nothing to say, and too much in love to break away.

Do your remember the nights we used to linger in the hall? Father didn't like you at all.

Do you remember the reason we married in the fall?

To rent this little nest, and get a bit of rest.

Well here we are just about the same, foggy little fella, drowsy little dame,

Two sleepy people by dawn's early light, and too much in love to say goodnight.

the 2nd round of resolutions... man... as last nite faded, i realised there are so many more to commit myself to. resolutions are not just to resolve into being a better being. but much more than that. to right the wrong and to make sure this year goes smoother than the previous...

looks like i am going to have a mother of all test for the days to come. it's as good as Armageddon. 1stly, i have to control my impulses and string up my purse tighter. well, it's too bad that i picked on a job that is unable to satisfy my insatiable urge to spend more than i have. it's too bad that i haven't learned how to adjust to what i have now. taking a pay cut so willingly never felt so bad till now. so... until i decided to leave and fly higher, i shall release my urge through other channels like maybe be kinder to horrible singaporeans...

clear all bad debts.... soon the bank's gon suffered a mother of all heart attacks... i promise to make my payments promptly and diligently. i will not be lazy just bcos that damn bank refused to make things easier by accepting online payments through other banks and i have to walk that damn path down to the bloody AXS machine. i shall think kind thoughts that uob just want me to exercise. i shall think kind thoughts... i shall think kind thoughts...

i shall be kind to those damn things at work i really don't like. hey i know my life interests a hell load of asses but seriously, try asking me than digging from my team mates.... the gold comes real from my mouth... so shoot me if you have but nooooo... not the back door way... i'm really sorry for your miserable existence and i know you're prayin every nite someone notices you... but really you need help...
i shall then again be kind to rubbish... i shall be kind... i shall.... try to be kind...

i will promise myself to stand up to B.W. whenever he is getting out of hand. i shall not be played like a fool at his pleasure seeking activities... i will continue to be nice. if he is nice. i will continue to be supportive. no matter how. i shall continue to be just myself. and please let me be and leave me at it! i will be kind to B.W. he is delusional and currently trying to admit himself to seek some help. like real serious help. and stopping playin with your hp and hanging up on me for the sake of doin so.. you're 1 hell weak crap! lol

i definitely swear to whomever i will still haizzzzz.... listen to my gfs' whinings... i will still try to be rational.... and try not to attack their misery harping boyfriends or whatever.... IPS... irritating piece of shit... wahahaha FWAH! so irritating ah!

no choice but have to face it, i'm exactly comin to twice the age i was 12 years back in like days in counting. i need to really take care of myself by being healthy... no choice exercise lor... since i decided to be chaste again... visual sexual creature but physically bonded to only myself... cannot touch ok! eat fruits... eat fruits.... i hate fruits but eat fruits....

i have to get my act together stop wasting my weekends bed ridden just bcos of that 1 nite of reclining with an IV tube hooked to that bottle with alcohol content... i have to get out... see the sun... though i hate it... see the people ... though i hate crowds... do some womanly thingy like shopping... OMG the crowds.... watch more movies... yep... visit the library... yep... pay my fine brought on my soul courtesy of my mother who just loves to owe that damn govt money.... and she tells me about paying my bills... i will definitely hook my time with friends...

though i am gon be re-virginised.... doesn't mean i can't date men... come... wine and dine me... just don't eat me... that sounds sooo....... ..... ......

spree dating is just so exciting.... pray i don't get confused and forget names, dates, venues and the person i'm meeting... that would be an oscar worthy memory....

can i lose the weight... i can no longer deny that those extras on me are not baby fat... never was... i was borned skinny.... mal-nournished, lack of nutrients, underfed and underweight... hell my mom better don't see this.... no i am not an abused child... i can no longer deny if this keeps up, liposuction is definitely in the agenda... no i am not relyin on those! and i cannot afford to have my boobies go sideways, upwards, downwards ... one day, they might decide to go to heaven earlier and explode on me... i cannot afford the prices bras are costing nowadays.... they are probably weighing like what? 5 kg each?

since i can't grow taller... i should indulge in good shoes and good artificial height... though the strongest women comes in compact sizes... i sure don't wanna get lost in the crowds lest my friends can't see me... still every night, i will dream that i am tall...

i think for now that's all i can think of... since there are couple more hours before the alcohol starts to flow... i am still sober... oh well... anyone lookin for a wife? i swear i cook, clean the house, wash your clothes even the dirty underwear, i will endure your snores and your farts, wipe your drool when you're asleep... make love once awhile to please... smile alot and give you the babies, the trophies of your manhood (is still working ... fine... for now...) and be nice to you ... just put that tiffany worth $27,500 on my finger, buy me a house or at least a comfortable pad with a dog and cat and a huge bed.. and walk in ward robe... love my mom... let her stay with us... must have a car... work real hard... at the office, not in some damn chick's &^$#@*$^.... and gimme me twin boys for our 1st born... i promise i will love you...

seriously that thought excites me...

it's time for new year resolutions. oh well. 2006 is finally slipping out of my hands. let's pray the coming year is filled with more peace, more joy, more laughter, more tranquility and more happiness. i'm frankly sick of what this year has brought me.

let's see... hmmm.... what trophies do i wanna collect for the brand new year. it marks 2nd zodiac cycle of my blessed birth. so it better be a good year for all pigs born in 1983. please... i think i shall put a close to a chapter which this year has brought endless encounters to me. men. enough, bye bye. good day and good night. not that i mind the company but i think it is time to move on and out of the daydream of whimsical fantasies that i might wish for. but it never seems to happens. fantasies... let's just keep it fictional.

ta ta, adios amigos! let's just wait awhile longer and keep a fine line between us all. we shall be happier if no boundaries crossed or overrode. i think friends are longer for keeps then such passers-by god knows when they leave. i am at peace, man... hoo!

well... bangkok here i come! i am gonna put myself on a tripping year this time. i wanna go to the smile of smiles and sawadee kaa with everyone! hmmm... hopefully taiwan or HK is in the loop and japan would be a great place to be at end year. i will be truly blessed... with my own money ... looks like i am destined to work like a dog...

back to school... i am gon be a scholar! study study study makes me smarter and happier! hopefully it means a change of working environment and big money! big money! there is a constant fear of not being able to achieve a self-satisfactory performance but i sure hope i can do it at least for myself. i must. academic and career goals are main aims for my better self. i am at peace.

constantly reminding myself these days that i must be calm, collected and always think rationally. especially when it comes down to having fun with the glass bottle and a near-shattering experience of tipsydom... i must stay calm, collected and rational. we must all be rational. let's chill baby... let's unwind and all smiles for the world to see we are happy bunnies in the field.. no rompin activities though... sex is good but overwhelmingly hyped up... we must all be rational.

but still.... retain my kind soul and be nice to strangers and people. lend a helping hand whenever i can to whomever i know needs somebody... but B... my constant harmless medusa... don't wreck anymore pain no more than you need to keep you in check of this reality... but anyone i repeat is dumb enough to play a game with you... let's all be rational and play hunter vs hunter with them... l know a really good way on how to break balls! hoo!

in any case you're wondering i will still be a bitch. i am not playing delusional to whatsoever B.W says... he is the one in need of help... still playing a demented one for role play's sake, keeps him happy and off my back... i'm cool with it. whatever that makes you happy i guess... i am nice friend... but don't try anything ... i will be calm, collected and rational that doesn't mean i am stupid.... rational people plays the meanest game and makes the best rules about ruining you... so beware... like really scared... hoo!!!

i'm keeping a new clean slate and keeping all male trophies for the dust bunnies... i am happy, nope, no room for regrets, life is like woah and that's it.... move on and out of it.. i'm not wasting my time plucking roses for my life's stories and multiple choice questions don't work in this life. keep my mom happy yeah... she's hitting the defined moment of womanhood and i sure don't want her walking down the wrong path. her happiness is my entire life's required minimal satisfaction. we should all keep our parents happy... oh yeah... time to collect bad debts from my sis... her debt's gon hit the anniversary and soon i need to throw a party in celebration of "My GOD! that's how long you have not return me!"

thou shall be kind to animals, old folks, kids, handicapped and the male population except B.W.. that is an uncommon issue i am still trying to displace in my life...

i am so damn exhausted.... oh boy... i have been working like a "dog" not literally a dog but something along the line, physically no... mentally maybe... no as well... oh my... i'm ranting...

i spent a bomb or so i think on somethings called christmas presents... oh well... let's hope this act in the name of christmas spirit will mean good karma to be used for the future... in any case like a bonus card in monopoly, to be used to get out of jail? hahaha i don't think i will be heading down there anytime...

i'm tryin hard to not cry about my financial dire state... not after that bomb i launched back in metro...

i am dreaming about my bangkok... oh my... pray i can go in feb... pray i can party with my non-partying cousins... pray i can get pissed drunk there.... pray... i can go in the 1st place.. the air fares are so unbelievably rocket sky high! can u believe it for a 4D3N affair, it costs like bloody $600 per person?! $600 equals to 61.2 packs of cigs... 30 sets of mooseheads ... 300 pairs of lychee martinis... 60 pairs of Gs... $600 huge ones can pay the bills off clean...

oh my.... another bday's comin up and man... i'm hittin the rite numbers! i will be exactly 2 chinese zodiacs old... according to my zodiac sign... that's like shit.. gotta to scramble my act together and full speed ahead... as in like work and study and stuff... doesn't include hmmm... nope...

speaking of which those things... soon i will steppin on someone's balls. why stepping? cos he will be lyin flat on his back with a bloody nose and tears in his eyes... i really don't intend to let him get away with it... not especially he is playin the game like he is... stringin up on the blame act... not u iz me kinda thing... smacking b rite in the face with all that bullshit... u will shi ne shi ne shi ne!!!!!!!! i swear i'm gon lay a curse on u!

iz jus so easy makin urself seemed so damn kind... nice and all things so... perfect... you're really ugly if you're using manipulative words to keep your skin on... iz not stayin on for long... i will strip ur hide off inch by inch... u piece of shit...

times like this... i feel this much to stand up for my TBGF esp when men like this exists... he needs to see hell... a one way ticket down blue south.... motherfucker...

boy.. i'm rude...

i learnt something new again. a kiss through haste, makes the mind all haze. through a kiss, it leads to just an empty thought. thought so clear to all, fogged up in my head. oh well. kisses are sweet but they sure suck sometimes. i guess depends who i kiss.

that one step leads to confusion. that tiny leap creates a fuzzy feel and a buzz in the ears. then again it depends who i kiss. my peepers sure are open now. thank god it's just a kiss and nothing more. more to come, probably i'd die. maybe of a congested heart and a burn so heated up that i will probably blow myself apart. not goin to be that foolish again. we muz think rationally. else why we are called the most intelligent creatures of all? i speak on behalf of the human race. yep including that particular species that probably gives me hives and nappy rash if i'm still a baby.

now i shall just be spending my time to be happy. as what y says we should all hang out together happy and go home happy or even happier. no worries and no tears to shed. no foolishness to regret and no actions to hurt from. we shouldn't spend each weekend drinking into oblivion and in the end, there is nothing for us to move on. maybe it's tiring to be constantly smiling, jarring that muscle there, twitchin uncontrollably. but anyway, it's nicer to smile. it mite lead to somethin good in the end.

all these mixed up emotions are draining and my vision blurred out on me more. the different colours that slipped in between the lines kept me at bay drowning in my feelings. we are all the same. the fear of being taken for granted. the fear of losing that attention we craved. the fear of getting ignored. the fear of being alone. that fear of knowing someone whom you mite just be your honest self which is also your most vulnerable self is exposed and there is no way of retracting your steps taken together a pace you admitted that was too fast.

there are so many fears and emotions we all experienced when it comes down to the crazy little thing called love. is it love in the beginning or just an attraction? is it lust that substituting for love? we just needed someone there. and we can't deny it. else, B.W will come callin all of us delusional. perhaps we are deluding ourselves into believing someone adores us. in the end, we needed to love ourselves and to know what we want before any move is made. in a game of chess, before a pawn is sacrificed, we will need time to consider. any move mite lead to self-destruction. after all, the opponent is always waiting, waiting for us to make that move.

honesty sometimes is taken as vulnerability. often as humans err, humans don't really learn. i speak of myself.

you in the dark you in the pain ::
you on the run ::
living a hell living your ghost ::
living your end ::
never seem to get in the place ::
that i belong ::
don't want to lose the time ::
lose the time to come

whatever you say it's alright ::
whatever you do it's all good ::
whatever you say it's alright ::
silence is not the way ::
we need to talk about it ::
if heaven is on the way

you in the sea on a decline ::
breaking the waves ::
watching the lights go down ::
letting the cables sleep

silence is not the way ::
we need to talk about it ::
if heaven is on the way ::
we'll wrap the world around it ::
if heaven is on the way

i'm a stranger in this town ::
i'm a stranger in this town

Stars shining bright above you
night breezes seem to whisper I love you
Birds singin' in the sycamore tree
Dream a little dream of me.

Say nighty night and kiss me
just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me.

Stars fading but I linger on dear
still craving your kiss
I'm longing to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this...

Sweet dreams till sun beams find you
sweet dreams that leave your worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
dream a little dream of me
Stars fading but I linger on dear
still craving your kiss.
I'm longing to linger til dawn dear
Just saying this...

Sweet dreams till sun beams find you
sweet dreams that leave your worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
dream a little dream of me.

i have been looking at my horoscope since this year is coming to a closure. trying to find a link between the predicted and the days i have just passed. but of cos', being the fish, i am concerned about my luck but of that called love.

it's either the astrologers are good or they are making up according to my life. either that or i'm living in an Ed's TV lifestyle without knowing. otherwise for real, i might be delusional. bah!

the 1st quarter indeed to realise my thirst for freedom i forgo a relationship. but somehow it is nothin to regret since it has already ebbed away till nothing is left except the shells of us lingering on. not willing to take a step either forward or backward. of cos' freedom is good. i was happy.

towards the 2nd quarter, (damn... someone's following me!) i met someone who pulled me down into the swirling waters... somewhere in the darkness i swam and drown and re-borned and crashed out. it's so difficult to accept the fact that he just wanted a companion to play boo on bed then someone more than that, someone more that i can be for him.

i guess... sometimes it is not about letting go that is difficult but it is unacceptance. we refused to accept that is how we are treated. we refused to accept the reason given. we refused to believe all our efforts and time are wasted. we refused to acknowledge that we are dumped, hurt, and put to a closure when we are still trying to convince ourselves there is something to it.

anyway. i let go. time to otherwise that cycle repeats itself and i will burn out probably asked myself on 01-01-2007 if this is goin to carry on...

now, interestingly the 3rd quarter... blending in the people i have gotten to know during this time you can say that i've been through more emotions at this time. the different people are like fabrics.. soft and cool. warm and hard. satiny feel, a barely there touch perhaps a rough edginess and textured paths... it was the earth at best spinning at 360 degrees at perhaps 180km/hr? i think it should be at a speed that would induce vomitting spectacularly like maybe every other hour. i was in and out of perhaps i would say that of sharing mutual feelings with a like person.

i guess suddenly spending so much time with a particular person would lead to complications. and complications would lead to stomach-revolting star-jumps... oh well... maybe too many men or boys or whatever u call those, at 1 go is not good... no no no not good at all.

can't say that i didn't had fun either... hmmmm... me at my moste wildeste... not really...

tumbling towards the last quarter... i melted down. i was scared of being alone. enough of those helter-skelter days. i decided it's time to get real lucky. yep. hell, i tried to get lucky for sure. oh well... you can say the prospects are pretty interesting and some kept me smiling. tho, 1 leaves me in confusion but hell... i played my part. the interesting part is about me meeting the one who might the one of cos unless he agrees to b the one. unfort, things are what i can say cannot be according to that one.

we remain as friends. i hope. oh well... building up the list, i hope it will lead to something nice. nope. i am not desperately praying to whomever to grant me. but love, actually can be quite a tricky creature. hard to control, difficult to deny but oh well... something good might look up.
ps. my horoscope says the current hook-ups to watch for are libra, sagittarius and taurus...
hmmmm..... stars shining bright above me....

I'm in a lovey dovey mood...
anyone heard of this song? by patti austin.
old song but anyway dick lee did a nice rendition of it...

Say U Love Me...

Don't you know that I want to be more than just your friend
Holdin' hands is fine, but I've got better things on my mind
You know it could happen if you'd only see me in a different light
Maybe when we finally get together, you will see that I was right

Say you love me
You know that it could be nice
If you'd only say you love me
Don't treat me like I was ice

Please love me
I'll be yours and you'll be mine
If you'd only say you love me, baby
Things would really work out fine

Don't you know that I want to be more than just your friend
Holdin' hands is fine, but I've got better things on my mind
You know it could happen if you'd only see me in a different light
Maybe when we finally get together, you will see that I was right

Say you love me
You know that it could be nice
If you'd only say you love me
Don't treat me like I was ice

Please love me
I'll be yours and you'll be mine
If you'd only say you love me, darlin'
Things would really work out fine

Say that you love me
Say that you love me baby
Would you say you love me
You know that it could be nice
If you'd only say you love me
Don't treat me like I was ice

Please love me
I'll be yours and you'll be mine
If you'd only say you love me, baby
Things would really work out fine

If you'd only say you love me, darlin'
Things would really work out fine
If you'd only say you love me, darlin'
Things would really work out fine

this i dedicate to B.W
somehow, it seems so appropriate as my very first affectionate friend.
sometimes, it is a mixed emotion whether this affectionate friend is to love or hate.
somewhat, i am truly disturbed by his whacked up cheerios and his devilish being but yet strangely comforted.
i am not delusional.
the thing is he is mirroring his self onto me. just to feel good about being alive i supposed...

Why do birds suddenly appear?
Everytime you are near
Just like me
They long to be
Close to you

Why do stars fall down from the sky?
Everytime you walk by
Just like me
They long to be
Close to you

On the day that you were born
The angels got together and decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moondust in your hair
Of gold and starlight in your eyes of blue

That is why all the girls in town follow you all around
Just like me
They long to be
Close to you

Just like me
They long to be
Close to you.....

it is quite of him to be a spark sometimes. most of the time, he is aloof and a quiet ignorance mistaken for arrogrance. i am not sure which is better tho! but of cos' the one thing in the song i can't identify with him... no blue-eyed baby.. that one is definitely not.

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah..
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, Yeah

Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share
With no one who truly cares for me

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, you, you

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you babyIf I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, yeah
If I ain't got you with me baby

So nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

abstracts of a song...

'Cause a real man knows a real woman when he sees her
And a real woman knows a real man ain't afraid to please her
A real woman knows a real man always comes first
A real man just can't deny a woman's worth

She walks the mile, makes you smile, all the while being true...
Dont take for granted the passion she has for you...
You will lose if you choose to refuse to put her first...
She will if she can't find a man who knows her worth...

oh well... i can always dream that there are such men out there for everyone of us women...
or rather... ladies...

we are both tired in the end. just learnt of this from B.W. i think he wrote it to remind me virtually i will get tired of his whining online. sometimes, he is very good at being hell irritating. lovable but real irritating.

this phrase hang in my head even till now, though it's just probably a minute ago he IM me that. this represents what is on my mind lately. i guess one day the people around me will be tired of my presence. but thankfully i have mel and jas with me. these 2 kinda can't let me go. i'm unforgettable to some. but we will be tired someday in the end, the path will just end without a reason.

just for that instance, a vision flashed me by; perhaps that person right in front of me meant alittle more to my heart than i thought. perhaps, there is a different fulfillment in it for me. meeting up with different people now, perhaps i should be honest to just say that those are guys... ok. i am seriously not looking for more with these but just nice knowing people. but now knowing, someone who might be slipping into my very own shoes, and playing me to me. i am scared. maybe this makes me think of that someone whom i wore this pair of shoes for.

this year coming to a close, has been pretty interesting. i can't deny despite that the visual break ups, i am pretty lucky. meeting up with so many people. some far more alive than life itself. some exquisite souls... i fall easily that is what i learnt of myself. i learnt that it is something that i can't exactly stop since it is me. i can't help being simple. i can't help not being able to play my game well. i can't help laying my cards upfront. i needed to know what is the truth. if it hurts, i will walk away. but too many games played, too much at stake.

i played several huge losses this year. that debt is not easily erased at one glance. nope, the hurt has dissipated. i try not to think of it anymore than just pure episodes that made up my life. i just needed another soul after my own heart to hold on to. some are more than episodes, more like soon to be long running series. perhaps one of them is B.W. he plays softly like a bad song down my spine. perhaps what is meant for the guitar is played on a violin, all scratchy and hmmm.. not so nice. but over the weekend, i had this sudden fear that i might, i meant i really really might lose him. to what, god knows. definitely not aliens since he is one himself. but he might not appear in my life again. it played the scene like a real nightmare. i was scared. he does not do good for an ego tripping. but he is like myself a god who must exist for mankind.

ok. that was like talkin trash exactly like him. i had alot of fears lately. my greatest fear is to be alone. i can no longer stand that. i am not looking for some scapegoat to bear my misgivings of this life i have. i just realise it is hard to be with someone for real. there is so much to live for, and so much to give up for. perhaps i might lose myself all over again.

i was tellin my cousin i should just look for someone who will love my mom and willing to live with my mom. someone who is loyal and just plain nice. yup that's about fulfill what is required to last a lifetime. i'm really not interested in alittle thing called fling. i want something permanent in my life to call my own. i'm not rushing to meet my future life partner. but i think i need to see more men out there than back in clubs where none are actually quite right. they usually don't come out right, are indecisive and plainly just wanna have fun. probably bed a girl or 2 and it's all in a day's work. even the last one whose arms i craved, actually pretty much hmmm.. in that description though i'm not sure about the bedding part. but guess what? i didn't stick around to know.

maybe he is not, perhaps i'm just pissed at him for being pissed at me. just over a text msg and even an apology doesn't really grade a thing with him. sometimes, men all they need is an ego massage. oh well.. i really did wish he would just get over with it and text me or call me or something. guess, he's probably tryin his luck. guess i count myself lucky that nothin more came out of it. thanked his gentleman ways (hopefully this is true) that saved me from myself. i was disappointed. still am. likewise when B.W promised to call back and didn't. i was disappointed too. perhaps i just wanted my friends to be genuine and stay with me.

that is life.
we all get tired in the end.
perhaps of each other.
perhaps of our own self as we mirrored what we are,
next to each other.
as we reached out.
we hold out for what could be for this road we both shared.
ventured on feet,
make do with the same speed.
hands out stretched, fingertips barely touching barely escaping.
visual light rained on us.
we glowed but yet darkness strays beyond each step.
unsure, yet daring.
unknowingly, we stand together.
not a word passed through these lips,
perhaps a breath taken to assure of each other's presence.
perhaps we still live forever.
just alittle while longer.