i promise myself that tomorrow night if this repeats, i shall swallow a pill and hope sleep catches up with me and bring peaceful dreams.
Sleeps with Butterflies Tori Amos
Airplanes Take you away again Are you flying Above where we live Then I look up a glare in my eyes Are you having regrets about last night I'm not but I like rivers that rush in So then I dove in Is there trouble ahead For you the acrobat I won't push you unless you have a net
You say the word You know I will find you Or if you need some time I don't mind I don't hold on To the tail of your kite I'm not like the girls that you've known But I believe I'm worth coming home to Kiss away night This girl only sleeps with butterflies With butterflies So go on and fly then boy
Balloons Look good from on the ground I fear with pins and needles around We may fall then stumble Upon a carousel It could take us anywhere
I'm not like the girls that you've known But I believe I'm worth coming home to Kiss away night This girl only sleeps with butterflies With butterflies With butterflies So go on and fly boy
I wear their faces all on top of my face I am the perfect target screen For your blindly fueled rage I bare the brunt of your long buried pain I don't mind helping you out But I want you to remember my name
It's not all me It's not all my fault I may remind you, but I won't take it all on
Past riddled rage I see the buttons I engage With my dignity in place? I'm all too happy to assuage
It's not all me It's not all my fault I may remind you, but I won't take it all on
Lest I find my voice Find the strength to stand up to you Lest I stay to my limit And only take on what is mine to
We are a team I'm here to help mend and re seam All I trigger unknowingly A job I hold in high esteem
It's not all me It's not all my fault I may remind you, but I won't take it all on
It's not all me It's not all my fault I may remind you, but I won't take it all on I'll only take some of it
I decided not upload the MVs, angry white chick songs are usually too cynical and not men-friendly. nor ever-merry-happy-chasing-butterflies-with-that-damn-butterfly net-rainbows in their hair chicks would understand. everything is supposed in pastel and neon so that it resembled a long term ward room in your local mad house with a citizenship VIP status badge. i do not hate happy people nor discriminate against people with dysfunctional minds. i just don't understand simple happiness anymore. the more i tried, it gets too complex and i wanted to apply for a LTSVP for the happy woodsville too. i am almost as dysfunctional, sometimes.
niga nomu bogoshipeun naren neomu kyondigi himdeun nare-neun noreul saranghanda ibka-e maemdora honja dashi tto crying for you honja dashi tto missing for you Baby I love you I’m waiting for you
noye haru-e nan optget-ji tto giokjo-cha optget-jiman noman baraman pogo-in-neun na honja chuo-geul mandeulgo isseo
CHORUS: niga nomu saenggag-na-neun naren kaseum shirigo seulpeun nare-neun niga pogoshipda ibka-e maemdora honja dashi tto crying for you honja dashi tto missing for you Baby I love you I’m waiting for you
Bye bye never say goodbye irohke jabji mothajiman I need you amu maldo mothae I want you baraedo dashi baraedo
niga neomu bogoshipeun naren nomu kyondigi himdeun nare-neun noreul saranghanda ibkae maemdora honja dashi tto crying for you
niga nomu saenggag-na-neun naren kaseum shirigo seulpeun nare-neun niga pogoshipda ibka-e maemdora honja dashi tto crying for you honja dashi tto missing for you Baby I love you I’m waiting for you
Hangul:
내 머리는 너무나 나빠서 너 하나밖에 난 모르고 다른 사람을 보고있는 넌 이런 내 마음도 모르겠지 너의 하루에 나란 없겠지 또 추억조차 없겠지만 너만 바라만 보고있는 난 자꾸 눈물이 흐르고있어 너의 뒷 모습을 보는것도 난 행복이야 아직 나의 마음을 몰라도 끝내 스치듯이 가도
CHORUS: 니가 너무 보고싶은 날엔 너무 견디기 힘든 날에는 너를 사랑한다 입가에 맴돌아 혼자 다시 또 crying for you 혼자 다시 또 missing for you Baby I love you I’m waiting for you 너의 하루에 난 없겠지 또 기억조차 없겠지만 너만 바라만 보고있는 나 혼자 추억을 만들고 있어 내겐 사랑이란 아름다운 상처같아 너의 예쁜 미소를 보아도 함께 난 웃지도 못해
CHORUS: 니가 너무 생각나는 날엔 가슴 시리고 슬픈 날에는 니가 보고싶다 입가에 맴돌아 혼자 다시 또 crying for you 혼자 다시 또 missing for you Baby I love you I’m waiting for you
Bye bye never say good bye 이렇게 잡지 못하지만 I need you 아무 말도 못해 I want you 바래도 다시 바래도 니가 너무 보고싶은 날엔 너무 견디기 힘든 날에는 너를 사랑한다 입가에 맴돌아 혼자 다시 또 crying for you 니가 너무 생각나는 날엔 가슴 시리고 슬픈 날에는 니가 보고싶다 입가에 맴돌아 혼자 다시 또 crying for you 혼자 다시 또 missing for you Baby I love you I’m waiting for you
English Translation:
Because I am a fool The only thing I think about is you But I know that you are thinking about somebody else And you probably don’t even know my heart
I probably don’t exist in your daily life And I’m sure you have no thoughts of me But for me, I spend my days thinking about you And my tears still fall
Just looking at your retreating figure Is happiness to me Even if you don’t know my feelings Even if you simply brush me aside
In those days when I desperately want to see you Those days that are so hard to bear My mouth wordlessly repeats “I love you” And all alone I cry for you again And all alone I’m missing you Baby I love you I’m waiting for you
I probably don’t exist in your daily life And I’m sure you have no memories of me But for me, I spend my days thinking about you And create my own memories
For me Love is a beautiful scar Even when I see your beautiful smile I cannot smile with you
In those days when all I think about is you Those days when my heart is cold and sad My mouth wordlessly repeats “I want to see you” And all alone I cry for you again And all alone I’m missing you Baby I love you I’m waiting for you
Bye bye never say good bye Even though I can never have you I need you I can’t say a word, I want you I plead and again I plead
In those days when I desperately want to see you Those days that are so hard to bear My mouth wordlessly repeats “I love you” And all alone I cry for you again
In those days when all I think about is you Those days when my heart is cold and sad My mouth wordlessly repeats “I want to see you” And all alone I cry for you again And all alone I’m missing you Baby I love you I’m waiting for you
Original Version:
Kim Hyun Joong -----------> see that pause button? top right? press that...
12:45 AM
since my monday, 21.09.09 without him. since his sunday, 20.09.09 without me.
it has been 28 minutes over a week without him. would it be better not holding something that you believe in? does that make both of us liars in a blink of an eye? why is it so difficult to be truthful and face each other with honesty?
what makes this fairytale fail suddenly? the castle walls crumbled from within unknowingly. could it be that i chose you over me and you decided to save yourself from me? these thoughts cannot escape my head. somehow i am not angry to know you ran away from me. all i want is to be able to talk to you. again.
5 minutes past those 28 minutes. i still cannot stop my head from thinking of him. i just wanted to tell him that i really miss him alot.
爱情如果真的是束缚 Ai qing ru guo zhen de shi shu fu If love really is binding
为何你能爱的轻松自如 Wei he ni neng ai de qing song zi ru Then how is it that you're able to love so lightly as you wish?
你说你天生爱孤独 Ni shuo ni tian sheng ai gu du You said that you naturally like being alone
两人生活有点太辛苦 Liang ren sheng huo you dian tai xing ku To share a life another person gets a little bit too difficult
我不像你是双栖动物 Wo bu xiang ni shi shuan qi dong wu Unlike you, I'm not an amphibian
我只能活在充满爱的幸福 Wo zhi neng huo zai chong man ai de xing fu I can only live happily in a life filled with love
我所能适应的温度 Wo suo neng shi ying de wen du My existence requires an adjustable temperature
都是以两人世界为主 Dou shi yi liang ren shi jie wei zhu And that is to live in a world where two people share
很想哭,哭完无助 Hen xiang ku, ku wan wu zhu Really feel like crying, after the crying is over, it's still helpless
我发狠我一个人相处 Wo fa hen wo yi ge ren xiang chu I start hating to get along with myself
你不愿搬回从前去处 Ni bu yuan ban hui cong qian qu chu [Yet]You are unwilling to go back to the past to make it up
就算哭,也一样没帮助 Jiu suan ku, ye yi yang mei bang zhu Even if I cry, it'll still be the same helplessness
我被困在一个人的小屋 Wo bei kun zai yi ge ren de xiao wu I am tormented in this small, single room
多想要追又不等你安抚 Duo xiang yao zhui you bu deng ni an fu Think so much of going after you, no longer wait for your comfort
眼前是什么路 Yan qian shi shen me lu What road is ahead of us
已看不清楚 Yi kan bu qing chu Can no longer be seen clearly
我不像你是双栖动物 Wo bu xiang ni shi shuang qi dong wu Unlike you, I'm not an amphibian
我只能活在有你的幸福 Wo zhi neng huo zai you ni de xing fu I can only live happily with your existence
我所能适应的温度 Wo suo neng shi ying de wen du My existence requires an adjustable temperature
都是以两人世界为主 Dou shi yi liang ren shi jie wei zhu And that is to live in a world where two people share
Oh~
你的脚步, Ni de jiao bu Your footsteps
在不远处 Zai bu yuan chu Not far apart
我反复将自己说服 Wo fan fu jiang zi ji shui fu I repeatedly prepared to convince myself
就算最终这一场爱的催眠术 Jiu suan zui zhong zhe yi chang ai de cui mian shu Consider it the most extreme way to put love to sleep
no~结局~依然无助 No~ Jie ju ~ yi ran wu zhu No~Ending ~ It's still helpless
我发狠我一个人相处 Wo fa hen wo yi ge ren xiang chu I start hating to get along with myself
你不愿搬回从前去处 Ni bu yuan ban hui cong qian qu chu [Yet]You are unwilling to go back to the past to make it up
就算哭,也一样没帮助 Jiu suan ku, ye yi yang mei bang zhu Even if I cry, it'll still be the same helplessness
我被困在一个人的小屋 Wo bei kun zai yi ge ren de xiao wu I am tormented in this small, single room
多想要追又不等你安抚 Duo xiang yao zhui you bu deng ni an fu Think so much of going after you, no longer wait for your comfort
眼前是什么路 Yan qian shi shen me lu What road is ahead of us
已看不清楚 Yi kan bu qing chu Can no longer be seen clearly
this video has subs to it. makes it easier to understand. i used to listen to this song all the time until i stopped distracting myself until lately.
12:17 AM
Monday, September 28, 2009
i just came back from F1 not too long ago. the night lights shone against the dark sky line. the cars blazed across the grey tarmac. they looked like fireworks zooming around. plenty of people came to the office. kids running around and wild. my headache got worse with each lap completed on the course. my fever returned. as the roads are pounded hard by the fast driven machines, my throat burnt and hissed each time i take a swallow. i was tired with the walk to and fro office. too many people. it hurts to be in public. by the time i got onto the train with peggy, i wanted to throw up. although i have been out barely 3 hours, i am zapped and truly out of touch with this world. i am lucky i can hide under my blanket now. i took a video of the race unfortunately my fingers decided that it is an act against god's will and took it off my phone. it is a great sin.
i have always love this song after hearing melvina sang this during our KTV craze period. lots of stuff go through my head each time i put this on replay. for the audience who sees my lonely self.
Zhang Hui Mei - 我恨我爱你
Lyrics:
面帶微笑離開你懷裡 mai dai wei xiao li kai ni huai li (Using) smiles to leave your embrace, 我聽天由命 wo ting tian you ming I resign myself to fate. 最後一張王牌在手裡 zui hou yi zhang wang pai zai shou li The last trump card is in my hand, 二選一的機率 er xuan yi de ji lu a one out of two probability. 不能放縱愛你 bu neng fang zong ai ni (I) cannot indulge into loving you, 就放過自己 jiu fang guo zi ji (that will just mean) giving up myself.
愛情已經過了甜蜜期 ai qing yi jing guo le tian mi qi Love had past it's honey mood period, 多說也是無益 duo shuo ye shi wu yi it's not good to talk about it. 愛不愛我已經沒關係 ai bu ai wo yi jing mei guan xi Loving me or not doesn't matter anymore, 一點小傷而已 yi dian xiao shang er yi it just hurts a little. 你可以很放心 ni ke yi hen fang xin You don't have to worry, 我不會為了留你 wo bu hui wei le liu ni I won't 假裝可憐兮兮 jia zhuang ke lian xi xi pretend to be pitiful to have you stay.
都怪我 太不爭氣 dou guai wo tai bu zheng qi Just blame me being too disappointing. 我恨我愛你 wo hen wo ai ni I hate that I love you. Oh~ 我愛你 Oh~ wo ai ni Oh~ I love you 只是因為你是你 zhi shi yin wei ni shi ni just because you are you. Oh~ 我恨你 Oh~ wo hen ni Oh~ I hate you. 你有我看也看不清的小聰明 ni you wo kan ye kan bu qing de xiao cong ming You have that little cleverness that I can hardly see. 你有我說也說不完的壞脾氣 ni you wo shuo ye shuo bu wan de huai pi qi You have those bad tempers that I can endlessly talk about. 你有我數也數不盡你的… ni you wo shu ye shu bu jin ni de You have countless 新戀情 xin lian qing new romances.
愛情已經過了甜蜜期 ai qing yi jing guo le tian mi qi Love had past it's honey mood period, 多說也是無益 duo shuo ye shi wu yi it's not good to talk about it. 愛不愛我已經沒關係 ai bu ai wo yi jing mei guan xi Loving me or not doesn't matter anymore, 一點小傷而已 yi dian xiao shang er yi it just hurts a little. 你可以很放心 ni ke yi hen fang xin You don't have to worry, 我不會為了留你 wo bu hui wei le liu ni I won't 假裝可憐兮兮 jia zhuang ke lian xi xi pretend to be pitiful to have you stay.
都怪我 太不爭氣 dou guai wo tai bu zheng qi Just blame me being too disappointing. 我恨我愛你 wo hen wo ai ni I hate that I love you. Oh~ 我愛你 Oh~ wo ai ni Oh~ I love you 只是因為你是你 zhi shi yin wei ni shi ni just because you are you. Oh~ 我恨你 Oh~ wo hen ni Oh~ I hate you. 你有我看也看不清的小聰明 ni you wo kan ye kan bu qing de xiao cong ming You have that little cleverness that I can hardly see. 你有我說也說不完的壞脾氣 ni you wo shuo ye shuo bu wan de huai pi qi You have those bad tempers that I can endlessly talk about. 你有我數也數不盡你的… ni you wo shu ye shu bu jin ni de You have countless 新戀情 xin lian qing new romances. 沒關係... mei guan xi.. I doesn't matter...
我有你拿也拿不走的舊回憶 wo you ni na ye na bu zou de jiu hui yi There are old memories of you that I can't take away. 我可以一個人安靜的忘記你 wo ke yi yi ge ren an jing de wang ji ni I can peacefully forget about you alone. 我恨你最後那一句 我愛你 wo hen ni zui hou na yi ju wo ai ni I hate your last word, I love you.
12:25 AM
Sunday, September 27, 2009
another beautiful song i just discovered...
Nothing Better - Brown Eyed Soul
Hangul:
내게 언젠가 왔던 너의 얼굴을 기억해 멈춰있던 내맘을, 밉게도 고장난 내 가슴을 너의 환한 미소가 쉽게도 연거야
그래 그렇게 내가 너의 사람이 된거야 못났던 내추억들이 이젠 기억조차 않나 나를 꼭잡은 손이 봄처럼 따뜻해서
이제 꿈처럼 내맘은 그대 곁에 가만히 멈춰서요 한순간도 깨지 않는 끝없는 꿈을 꿔요
이제 숨처럼 내곁에 항상 쉬며 그렇게 있어주면 nothing better nothing better than you nothing better nothing better than you
이제 꿈처럼 내맘은 그대 품에 가만히 안겨있죠 한순간도 깨지 않는 끝없는 꿈을 꾸죠
이제 숨처럼 내곁에 항상 쉬며 그렇게 있어주면 nothing better nothing better than you nothing better nothing better than you
eejae soomchureum neh gyuhteh hangsang shwee myuh, geu-ruht-keh eessuhjoo-myuh nothing better nothing better than you nothing better nothing better than you
nothing better nothing better than you
English Translation:
It always appeared before me Your face, I remember My heart that stopped short You spitefully took my disfunctional heart And with your bright smile That's how you easily opened my heart
It's true, that is how I became your man All my unpleasant memories, I no longer recall Because the hand that holds me tight is as warm as spring
And now like a dream my heart has gradually stopped by your side Without awakening for a single moment, I dream an endless dream
And now like breathing, if you were to always rest by my side if you were to always remain this way nothing better nothing better than you nothing better nothing better than you
And now like a dream, My heart in your embrace, is held still Without awakening for a single moment, I dream an endless dream
And now like breathing, if you were to always rest by my side if you were to always remain this way nothing better nothing better than you nothing better nothing better than you
nothing better nothing better than you
Video:
Live Version:
Version by SHINee's Jong Hyun:
1:34 AM
these songs on my repeated playlist these nights. i could not resist another post tonight. i think my thoughts went berserk on me now. that induced a puking session in the porcelain god. i am amazed the state that i have been driven to.
ever determined to never let anything get to me even stand in my way of food. this is the first time i have lived till and that i refused food. my love for food has been stopppered in the bottle tightly. even my thoughts would drive everything out. a pain shot straight up to my head. i need to get my act together. i need to run away again.
Pisces have a dreamy life. yet all dreams will come to an end. i came to a conclusion, nothing good ever comes out in all romance i have pursued. perhaps it should just stay as a longing, a yearning but nothing more. i have been stupid and displayed this foolishness more than i needed to. i should have been happy with what i have yet my greediness knows no boundaries. why do i want what could never been mine? i was overwhelmed madly with my borrowed happiness, not realizing that a timer has been set and that one day i have to return it. my happiness have been shared yet now i have to ask back for it. the lender has come chasing. now i have locked out of my love. a hole in the heart, the edges blackening. i don't know how to stop the bleeding.
i need to wake up soon.
12:06 AM
Saturday, September 26, 2009
i am feeling so tired. tired out by my coughing, my sniffling and my aches. late in the night, plagued with dreams so seamless that i drifted between worlds and twilights.
i am too tired to cry out in pain. having to be chased by my mom to swallow some food. my every action seems so mechanical. i feel more dead than alive. it seems misery attracts some good friends at its peak. having to ride the crimson tide now and a stiff neck do not seemed like a good deal right now. my throat hurts so much that it feels like a fire is raging within me. i wish it is really one than to have this feeling of standing on the tallest peak with the cold wind slashing away at me. it feels like it now.
i am never one who would rely on friends too greatly in times when i would say the normal reaction is to do so. now i finally realised why friends are important. they help to ease that pain and take you somewhere where you could maybe regain a little happiness. i just met a nice lady through christy, in a way i am blessed. if it is not because i have nowhere to go and no one i wanted to burden, i would not have met sabrina. well... she helped intepreting my dreams. that is helpful. i have yet thank her for that. reading her message, especially about my first dream, i couldn't help but to break down.
" was just reading a bit on your blog... that first dream you describe, of your cat and the dog... it might be saying that even if you want to help, sometimes you can't.. and sometimes the help, even though with good intentions, is not appreciated... sometimes you need to let go and focus on yourself, help yourself, and let others deal with their own fights... cats and dogs fight, you may be able to stop this one, but eventually, they will fight again... don't take it literally of helping your cat... am sure you will know where to relate it to in real life... second dream... might be something about wanting to escape, wanting to be someone else....third dream is super weird... i totally agree to that!!!"
i realised that i have peddled too much in trying to help someone else fight against his own demons. perhaps my help is not needed, perhaps i was trying too hard. somehow after reading her message, i sort of calmed down. i decided to just let the wind blow me into the direction that it deemed ok. i no longer has that strength to resist nor do i want to build my own destiny right now. i am not going to sink away, deep down another hidey hole. but perhaps if someone's willing, i might get to see him. i am too tired to rage against myself for things that are beyond my control. i might eventually lose myself once again. it is good to have friends who are supportive and in a way have been neglecting some of my closest this week. that makes me feel really bad.
all i can say is that, i am too tired for any fights right now. too tired to cry and shout or scream. happiness is indeed a borrowed item.
somehow after sending that email, i felt worse. this trip has a no return ticket. came back home with a flu that won't go away, a headache that hijacked all my thoughts. i just couldn't eat. i locked myself in, sat on my bed and tears just won't go away. i really don't know what is happening right now.
i am fighting a losing battle. in my heart, i can feel i am losing everything. i lost this fight. and things will never return to normal. i just couldn't hope anymore. where did i go wrong?
i am plagued with dreams that kill me bit by bit. i am just floating between worlds right now. i felt so stupid, so foolish and so goddamn naive. this is so fucking painful that i cannnot even swallow that lump in my throat. i wish time just stop ticking away. because i cannot move on. i cannot define my emotions anymore.
i hate myself for being this way. this trail of feelings is exactly how i felt with BW. this hit me of a sudden and i just keep falling. when will i hit the ground? i am travelling right to the centre of earth. i don't know how am i going to go to work like this. everyday is putting up a front, smiling even i don't know why. i get so hyper to ignore what i am really feeling inside. i am shaking right now. literally shivering.
i just keep asking myself what did i do, where did i go wrong and what is the missing link..
i just hate myself right now for sinking to this state again. it is just so difficult to pick up the pieces and now to have given myself away and back again where i don't want to be at.
friends keep telling me to walk away, look somewhere else, seek no answers. i just cannot escape. i want to numb everything right now. i don't even know which direction should i go. i just want a release.
in my head, i just keep seeing different answers that might be it. i can accept neither. how could happiness instantly melt away like this? where did i fucking go so wrong to deserve this?
even if you don't want me anymore just let me know rather that i die this way by the way you dictate the war. i don't even know what i am losing for.
i don't believe in god but now god just help me i cannot function at all. i just feel so dead right now. this is just so painful for me.
8:55 PM
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
i don't know what is happening anymore. is it me or anyone else being excluded too? i am left behind and i don't know how to play catch up. the ball thrown high up in the sky has yet to fall since a week has passed.
i wish i had the guts to make a call to know the truth. but i am afraid to be told that i caused the broken bridge. i don't know what went wrong. i tried to learn, i read and did my research. i hoped and pretended things could be better if i were there. i may have thought alittle too highly of myself. i am foolishly naive. i feel so helpless that i just don't know who can i seek some words. my friends asked and i don't know what to say.
how to say that i am worried for someone right now? that something might have happened and i don't know how to make it better? am i causing more misery if i reach out to him? each letter i typed in my message i get so scared. i am scared that my concern may be received in negativity and rejection.
i am scared to acknowledge my own misery i am scared to think i am scared to lose control i am spiralling i tried to treat things as it would be and soon return to normalcy beneath, i am cracking i don't know how should i express my worry
i don't know how to tell that person that i will wait right here until i know everything is fine. this distance plays out fair in land and now virtual war has drawn us apart. i am neither here nor there
i failed miserably this afternoon when he logged off the moment i pm him. for the love of the net, i suddenly wish i could throw my computer out of the window and never see one anymore. i could not moved from my seat.
i am only but a girl. i hate myself for my ego and for being strong that it makes it only harder to cry when it hurts any sign of weakness throws me away to the wolves i can't tell anyone how i feel because i don't know how i was so tired, i took a cab and wished it brought me to nowhere watching the street lights, i held my tears and hoping the driver could pretended to be just an innocent happy man that i can only basked in his little ray of happiness i lived on borrowed happiness i talked like i have no worries i laughed, joked, enjoyed my cup of tea i decided not to seek comfort in the executive ladies' toilet as it would makes my loneliness stark against my happy background i stood still in the light of corporate warfare and social politics today i grew smaller and wished i was a giant or may never even exist
all i want to know is some answers. but i don't know if i can take what i would hear. my friend ask if a straight line became a triangle. my friend ask if work killed me today a colleague asked if i needed a ear she is a phone call away my boss asked if i wanted to have a cup of coffee and relax
i am a great pretender of all mighty unhappiness
11:57 PM
Monday, September 21, 2009
i don't know why but i have been having pretty weird and disturbing dreams lately.
1) i dreamt of meow meow and i being a strange big house with cream tall walls. she ran out of the back gate onto the driveway and suddenly a huge dog came chasing after her. i didn't know what to do and had stood still for the longest time in dreamland before i ran after her. i wasn't sure if i could save her. the dog looked friendly and gave me a sense of security but yet scared the hell out of me. i actually managed to shoo that dog away and grabbed her. but instead of a grateful cat, meow meow jumped onto me and was pretty angry about that chase and started to scratched me. i had to fight her off. it was all smoke after that.
2) i was back in the same house with my cousin who took me to her attic and showed me a picture of her supposedly when she was younger. however that picture was another cousin's portrait. i tried convincing her so but she refused to listen and was insistent that it is her. she was smiling dreamily at "her picture" and i thought she lost it big time. the attic grew darker just with a speck of light streaming through above my head. i woke up after that. i only remembered feeling very frightened by that.
3) this by far, the weirdest: it was a dead quiet night, i woke up in a stranger's room. i shared the bed with this guy whom i know in real life but the possibility is pretty much a negative any figure or equation thing. we were both naked and he was practically giving me an anatomy lesson on his physical self. i was trying to tell him i don't think i need the lesson. moreover i was embarassed that my best friend's friend is teaching me that. he acted like it is the most natural thing to do. next thing that surprised me, there is a tiny swordlike thing growing out of his cyclops. he wanted to show me where it would fit onto another anatomy, namely me and my best friend. i started crying even though i know i can trust him. he is after all a nice guy in real life. i freaked out hearing my mom's voice. i took up all my clothes and ran out of his place. i found myself in the middle of the wet market and shophouses somewhat like my old estate. i needed the loo badly. i was desperate. i couldn't recognised my way back to his apartment. it was daybreak, people are up and about. the noise is piercing every pore of me. i was spinning. i was scared, running up and down trying to find the stairs that leads to his house for me to hide. next i saw my mom and her friends. i ran up to her thinking she would protect me but she failed to notice my state of undress and distress and had even pointed me out to the stairs where i could go back. suddenly i felt abandoned and unwanted. i didn't go up that stairs to seek the darkness of his room nor his sword or comfort. i felt small and no one could see me. the light got brighter and the place gotten more packed. i just stood a corner and cry.
i woke up on sunday gotten really depressed and my shoulder ached and my pillow wet with tears. i needed a hug but i don't know where to get it. i was afraid that the someone i run to might not want to hold me. i felt alone in this silent world of mine. i don't think my emotions are running whack but perhaps i treasured what might not bring me happiness in life while i am awake, yet my dreams perhaps seek to tell me what i will missed out on.
i wish someone could decipher my dreams for me. these are so vivid that everytime i stopped thinking about something, they would appear and haunt me all over again.
10:46 PM
just read something nice while watching an anime. "The person you might be with in the future is beneath is this great sky"
a beautiful saying for the pessimistic self. somehow when i turn on the TV, computer or radio, i am seeking meanings beneath those words i hear and perhaps seek to find a solace to comfort myself.
like anyone else, i yearn for someone who would want me too.
10:11 PM
Sunday, September 20, 2009
this entire week left me feeling sealed in a vacuum state. i am either here nor there and somehow i can't feel myself so well. i have become so dependent on my emotions and i can't move into my present or future without all these excess baggage. i am left behind.
i have been smiling alot, excessive positivity at work. somehow i feel so grey inside. im not drowning or suffocating yet i feel like im floating in outer space where nothing transits here at all. perhaps i have been too happy that causes my fall right now. i was hoping to be this happy at least until a time i deemed ok. maybe i was hoping for a little too much. i had hoped to at least have things stayed like how it started. perhaps it is too long much to ask for. now in this state, i wished i can talk to him. somehow i realized i cannot assured anymore than i can do for myself and was hoping that at least he could materialize that shoulder i thought i could have. for that, i am shaking away other possibilities. i am stubborn, hopeless and i just don't want to care at this point of time.
i am starting to feel a little useless. i am not sure if i should seek or just wait. sometimes i ask if he is waiting too. i am neither here nor there. there is no guide or any light to point me out. i wish i know what is going on.
now i put my thoughts into words, it somehow made me feel worse. i wish i don't know how to cry at all.
10:44 PM
Sunday, September 06, 2009
is it ok to continue with my wine? i am beginning to lose my days and nights. the recognition of what is left. i am stuck in a rut and lost somewhere between outer space and here.
9:12 AM
Saturday, September 05, 2009
i have alot of questions and "i wish" scenarios right now. as i sipped my Riesling, i get a little sense of heaviness washing over me. maybe cos' i am getting a little emotional right now. if only Ms. Lee is in town, we could hit our favourite places for some drinks. i am in need of a drink or two to cloud up my empty self.
1) am i too harsh with people especially when i do not see any interest that i would develop in them?
2) do i cut ties too quickly?
3) do i take to hurt too easily when someone said something that i should maybe just brush off instead letting it stick in my head?
4) why can't i forget?
5) why do the strings of violins often accompany the sad scenes on the television? why do hearts break so frequently the moment a string is pulled?
i wish i had not touched on the topic with "Jie Jie" today. well he is right that i should keep what should have been kept in that little box deep down in me. if i live in the past, where is my future? these thoughts entered my head too easily. i guess i am not someone who gives up easily and who hopes ever so hopefully.
still, i am not hoping for the impossible nor do i want to pursue on. i only hope to keep memories afresh and to able to be there for a friend always.
maybe what is putting me off is also, Mr. A is a long distance away. sometimes when he is virtually distant, i hear a clicking sound and like a camera, pictures flashed before my eyes. questions i told myself not to ask, again they come up like long lost ghosts ahaunting me. when he is there, i click for him as quick as possible, but always failed to type a simple "hi". sometimes i shrank, afraid of what response might come to me. i told myself so many times that courage is worthless if i do not even take any action, yet i failed miserably when i do not want to discover what answer i might get. i feel that at this stage, how can i say i am capable of being with someone and putting him above me when i fail to use every opportunity in front of me?
i really don't know what to do. i can't even cry over my foolishness, my uselessness and my pride.
my wishes:
1) i wish i was brave enough to experience new discoveries each day 2) i wish i had sent that SMS i wanted him to know how much i miss him 3) i wish for the past 2 odd years, i had the courage to even tell babywipes how much i miss him, my dear friend 4) i wish i am there with alvin right now and i wish he is thinking the same too 5) i wish to escape this sense of unreality
10:19 PM
this has been a lazy week for me. i floated between dreams and fantasies, especially those worthy of award winning dramas...
this has been a quiet week too... i thought of getting sloshed, but that girls' nite out did not happened. i overslept and did gyming on my bed instead with full speed and steam that i am kind of glad my PT knows nothing about it. my tooth killed me and brought me somewhere between hell and heaven. i was brought back to life however was told that i will have to live my life on the brink of death until 27th september, that is when the angel of toothy smiles is available. what a long list of appointments he has. my toes are telling me that i am actually freaking out.
the quietness of the days and the long nights are buzzing in my ears quite loudly. Mr. A is busy like a bumble bee, picturing him wearing a suit of stripes painted black and yellow. yet another A is busy catching my moods. i felt sorry for him that i am beginning to resemble a fussy bear searching for a grade A pot of honey. well, as the saying goes: "when the best has captured your heart, no other choices will remained seen." after quoting this, i think of babywipes.
these few nights during the empty starkness of the dark, babywipes has been appearing quite frequently. i do hope this special month has nothing to do with bringing his memory to mind. i thought of potato salad and carrot juice and then i asked myself what would happened right now. i still hold him deep down as a dear friend no matter what. the frequency of his smiles appearing wears me tired and thin. maybe the ups and downs we shared were of pretty exhausting nature. still i miss babywipes.
i wonder if i end up spending the best moments of my life with someone, would babywipes wish me well? would he appear and that we could share another salad and juice together like we did. during a cold night and the lovely skyline bustering with stars and satellites. sharing a secret smile and laughing at invisible stuff. being silent friends is just as important to me even though the phyiscal self no longer grasp hold of what has been there or used to be part of us.
right now, who i miss most is Mr. A. his laughter and his smiles.
i have a friend whose head in stuck in a steamer all because he wanted some colours to brighten his black and grey life. stark lines of white drew the outline he never is. grey to define the distinction of what he never was. the fine line he skips 2 steps between.
a friend who promised to strike it down at the gym. rather turn pink and blue at the salon. when i see him later, i shall smack him HARD
1:24 PM
being me THY CHARMED ONE
I am obviously a WOMAN, sometimes a Girl.
I am Old enough then again young enough so the number is...
I am pleased to say that i am HAPPY as can be.
I sometimes can be NASTY as that is part of me.
I am who i wanna b & i walk my path and live as i will.
I am just being ME altogether.
I AM THE EGO GIRL.
