depression is a silent killer. my aunt just jumped the block and ending the game ahead of her time. i am not sad by that. i am in a conventional mood that i am not feeling anything. nothing as precious as life can be, this played out like a movie or drama series. i feel as distant as the nearest planet. in fact, i felt like this is so unreal. this is the 3rd jumper of the year for me now. 1st was my aunt's sister-in-law, then a neighbour who played mahjong with my mom and now my aunt.

why is it easier to take out this path? i don't understand the logic as seeing someone who has lived so many years ahead of me yet illogically lost that will to hold on. as elders always say the young loses the will faster and the determination to strive gets weaker. we are all scorned by the generation before us. however, suicides amongst the baby boomers are none less than this coming generation.

why there isn't any help? we crave that end of the pole where we know that person who can give us the same comfort and security would reach out for us. yet, that silence creeps in when that person is in need. we do not listen. not hard enough.

my cousins are in sheer silence now. by the action of their mother. who lost that battle with herself. i don't know how to reach out. i am perplexed by this play. this last act commited bores down in the family. as tradition held out, we do not forgive this act easily. we will gossip from one end to the other. and speculations will begin from the top to the bottom bridges of the family.

this is a sick path to end. i will not go down quiet into the night. but why you left this way with the hurt that cannot undo upon us? i asked this for my cousins. eldest, a year my senior; youngest, a year older than my own sister....
that single tear cannot be shed easily.