i was cynical at 21, hurt at 22, optmistic at 23 but now i am back at the same old. seems like either i never learn my lesson or my door says knock me to the wrong ones. perhaps not so wrong, but still why does it hurt even more this time?

i tried not to hope. i tried to hold back so that my heart does not rule the way when it surfaces. i tried to pretend that i am in a deep dream. i tried to be happy just like this. sometimes i don't wanna ask for anything. i know i do not have the right. the more the changes came, the more that feelings creeps closer to the surface. closer i am to losing my composure. i tried to be just glad that things are not more than what i have now. be thankful i tried so damn hard. i learnt this term, don't patronize me. don't tell me that what it should have been. don't ask me things you know that will mislead that direction we are in. this path i am on, i am already lost.

the funny thing about is to fall for your friend unknowingly. the funny thing is to have your TBGF (true blue girlfriend) tell you that you're in love. the funny thing is that ironically nothing can be achieved from it not as what it seems from the movies. perhaps that is why hollywood make the romance cos in life that never ever happens. people get cold feet, people loses their guts and turn to cowardice. that is a romantized idea of life i supposed.

i tried to play the part of being cool, calm and collected. god knows the number of times i said that phrase today. but i am hurting so bad inside. the thing is how is it possible jus within 24hrs, i experienced the mother of all feelings so extreme? i felt this warmth so intense in my heart. like a light and i felt the flame so close in my eyes i see an orange-yellow and i smiled. that warmth nestled was so sweet. at the end, i knew how the story would play out i jus wish no one had to say a thing. i rather not admit that i was in love. i rather play a silent fool and that i will be happier this way. i can learn to love a friend painlessly. now, it seems pain is all i have. i can't escape.

after to a close of my 24hours, my heart clenched. xin suan. this tightness clutched my heart. i can't bear to say anymore. before i realised, i jus cried my entire year's supply. the tears will continue. i lost my double eyelids to those damn tears. i just want to hate him. i just want to forget and i just want to bury myself and locked my door up for good. but he now sees himself as a good friend to console me and pat me on the back to be stronger. or perhaps to see himself as a brother now all protective to make sure that next guy goes through his screening. can i just slap him? for all the hurt he caused and now he wants things to be put back on playback mode and with that casual air that i might accept in order not to looked bad on myself? i can't. i do still love him with all my heart for the friend he was. and the friend that he is not. perhaps more that a friend at times which resulted in this painful episode.

i want him out. him of all the people i would believed to have at least understand why. he was the last person i think who would have caused this much trouble. i for one, wished i could have gotten angry instead of teary. perhaps i would tear his throat out. i can't and i hate myself for being this way. for giving this much. for believing everything. i wished he'd stop callin me. stop texting me, stop everything. but i can't. the moment he stops i can't bear that awful silent buzzing in my ears. i hate him for doin this to me.

ironically he knows no shame. after that serious word confrontation, he can't leave me alone. he is the devil himself that is what i think. i don't believe that i actually deserve this. insisted to send me back that nite, i declined. it's either i go home and have a good cry and hate him and wish that he would just drop dead or i mite as well go shoot myself. he called... kept callin and callin and callin. messagin through out. what is tis? i don't even have the time to spend on hatin him and spittin on his photo. yet???? i have to be all hmmm.... nice and cool like nothin happened. the sky came crashin down on me but no... i'm supposed to be tougher than all those expensive tears. expensive cos i just waste my time. and i think there are more to come.

someone said to me. rich families are dyscfunctional and somehow this fellow is gutless, not reliable and just in plain a coward in the face of his family. nothin to defy since he has the girl to marry for namesake and family sake. go ahead and be my guest. i will pray that u might get your happiness one day. perhaps so you may never be happy in this lifetime. so come back to earth again after this death perhaps so as a pig. cos that's what you r for breakin my heart.

for someone who is dear to me. i held him in my arms close to me midst of my pain he brought.
how lovely life is.