the funny little thing is i am still not over the same one. the silliest little thought came to my mind in the middle of the expressway on my way home. an early quiet morning, wee bright lights peaked the lonely road. the silence in the cab bored into my head. in my mind, that memory lingers, it spins whirls and whorls. and i can't forget...

coming in a rush, that moment i was bathed in a warm light and suddenly on the floor, in that darkened hall. it was a perpetual stillness. the people surrounds us stopped in the flow of time. a shiny light glows its way to us. i could just lived for that standstill. i can feel it in my blood that i don't want to leave. in a suddent lisp, a rush of time passes me by. it was over as soon as it starts. but i knew it has never really ended.

ever wonder how you can be with someone so close in your heart and lived for that one moment in time for that person to be united with you in that power only both of you holds but you know that in eventuality, that person will still leave you come day break and light falls? how can i put my heart in someone's hands in a mere emptiness, a sheer shell and it feels right? forever it is not the right word. but when he slips through my fingers, i know that it was never meant to be.

like a ghost he felt, so real but he passes me by. a smoky screen, an empty glass. a whisper in my ear and a steal of a glance. i tried to be disengaged my feelings and be separated as a being from consoling myself. i tried to be strong in the eyes of people around me. that blaze was too strong for me to hold on. i was wistful and wishing and hoping... trying to be bury it in my very core. it was a whimsical moment but i needed that to hold on to. there is nothing left of me and nothing more of him. in this world of that moment only us.

i cannot say i need him. i am only happy to have him near. that clean scent he carries. that lopsided wary grin.. that narrow light in his eyes. that special time means so much to me. i realise i have been living my life mirroring his. what is not right, slips past through my mind. i begun a war against myself, against my heart. i cannot let go. i can only cry quiet tears and each time i just keep stifling myself from that pain cuts so deep in me. am i miserable?

no i think. yes i am. very much. it's no one's fault for this little foolish game we have. i am not hurt by the consequences of all these. i am foolishly spiralling out of hand. into something i don't know where it will lead me to. all i know is. i can't forget and i can't let go. i will be just a ghost lingering uncertainly in that part of his world. i will be quiet. simple as it gets, this so-called platonism is a placebo. it displaces me but i needed it.