we are both tired in the end. just learnt of this from B.W. i think he wrote it to remind me virtually i will get tired of his whining online. sometimes, he is very good at being hell irritating. lovable but real irritating.

this phrase hang in my head even till now, though it's just probably a minute ago he IM me that. this represents what is on my mind lately. i guess one day the people around me will be tired of my presence. but thankfully i have mel and jas with me. these 2 kinda can't let me go. i'm unforgettable to some. but we will be tired someday in the end, the path will just end without a reason.

just for that instance, a vision flashed me by; perhaps that person right in front of me meant alittle more to my heart than i thought. perhaps, there is a different fulfillment in it for me. meeting up with different people now, perhaps i should be honest to just say that those are guys... ok. i am seriously not looking for more with these but just nice knowing people. but now knowing, someone who might be slipping into my very own shoes, and playing me to me. i am scared. maybe this makes me think of that someone whom i wore this pair of shoes for.

this year coming to a close, has been pretty interesting. i can't deny despite that the visual break ups, i am pretty lucky. meeting up with so many people. some far more alive than life itself. some exquisite souls... i fall easily that is what i learnt of myself. i learnt that it is something that i can't exactly stop since it is me. i can't help being simple. i can't help not being able to play my game well. i can't help laying my cards upfront. i needed to know what is the truth. if it hurts, i will walk away. but too many games played, too much at stake.

i played several huge losses this year. that debt is not easily erased at one glance. nope, the hurt has dissipated. i try not to think of it anymore than just pure episodes that made up my life. i just needed another soul after my own heart to hold on to. some are more than episodes, more like soon to be long running series. perhaps one of them is B.W. he plays softly like a bad song down my spine. perhaps what is meant for the guitar is played on a violin, all scratchy and hmmm.. not so nice. but over the weekend, i had this sudden fear that i might, i meant i really really might lose him. to what, god knows. definitely not aliens since he is one himself. but he might not appear in my life again. it played the scene like a real nightmare. i was scared. he does not do good for an ego tripping. but he is like myself a god who must exist for mankind.

ok. that was like talkin trash exactly like him. i had alot of fears lately. my greatest fear is to be alone. i can no longer stand that. i am not looking for some scapegoat to bear my misgivings of this life i have. i just realise it is hard to be with someone for real. there is so much to live for, and so much to give up for. perhaps i might lose myself all over again.

i was tellin my cousin i should just look for someone who will love my mom and willing to live with my mom. someone who is loyal and just plain nice. yup that's about fulfill what is required to last a lifetime. i'm really not interested in alittle thing called fling. i want something permanent in my life to call my own. i'm not rushing to meet my future life partner. but i think i need to see more men out there than back in clubs where none are actually quite right. they usually don't come out right, are indecisive and plainly just wanna have fun. probably bed a girl or 2 and it's all in a day's work. even the last one whose arms i craved, actually pretty much hmmm.. in that description though i'm not sure about the bedding part. but guess what? i didn't stick around to know.

maybe he is not, perhaps i'm just pissed at him for being pissed at me. just over a text msg and even an apology doesn't really grade a thing with him. sometimes, men all they need is an ego massage. oh well.. i really did wish he would just get over with it and text me or call me or something. guess, he's probably tryin his luck. guess i count myself lucky that nothin more came out of it. thanked his gentleman ways (hopefully this is true) that saved me from myself. i was disappointed. still am. likewise when B.W promised to call back and didn't. i was disappointed too. perhaps i just wanted my friends to be genuine and stay with me.

that is life.
we all get tired in the end.
perhaps of each other.
perhaps of our own self as we mirrored what we are,
next to each other.
as we reached out.
we hold out for what could be for this road we both shared.
ventured on feet,
make do with the same speed.
hands out stretched, fingertips barely touching barely escaping.
visual light rained on us.
we glowed but yet darkness strays beyond each step.
unsure, yet daring.
unknowingly, we stand together.
not a word passed through these lips,
perhaps a breath taken to assure of each other's presence.
perhaps we still live forever.
just alittle while longer.