i had a nice dream on early saturday morning. this dream hold so much significance in my life now. there is a sense of contentment over what i have in my hands now.

it is a dreamy sunny day... in an empty lot... a circle patch of grass in the centre of that space... a huge old tree in that very core... the clouds in the sky, forming patterns, shapes and sizes as they passed me by... the light wind, blowing our hair in that gentle sunlight glow...

all those people who i have been meeting up recently are there... all standing around and only happy faces seen. little groups formed and chats begin... i was talking to J another significant soul who flows in and out my life not too long. a mild confusion that headstart another. it a light conversation we had that turned into promises i do not know how they begin to form.

i cannot quite remember what those are about. but i remember i smiled alot when he gave those strong words to me. he made me happy and i only thought of flowers. lol i know that is so funny. i saw my friends all eyes clear, light in their hair... smiles on their faces. it was a heartfelt moment that i thought this is where i wanna be...

B was again, re-enacting her role at our ministry in that dream.. of cos this time around... no drinks... O was talkin to his friends... clearly immersed in talk.. saw my friends weaving in and out of the little groups and channels of communication, a never ending scene. the memorable one was seeing R playing the role of FLASH... he zips through everyone, darting each and individual like in a game. i thought his mentality was reduced to a 5 yr old in my dream... that could probably worked out for me fine...

then came a big shiny white bus... it stops near the shadow of the tree, casted by the sunlight... i turned and covered my eyes... to see the sun shining so brightly... it was unusually bright... when i turned, i saw everyone boarding that shiny bus... i ran to J and pulled on his sleeve... those words of promise ever important but a cold stare was all i've gotten. i asked a slip of vulnerability, why is it so? he looked away and pulled his arm from me. up the steps and into the shelter of that bus.. i looked up at him as i stood by the bus... i glanced away just to see all my friends up and i was rooted to the ground. no one turned back for me..

with everyone on that bus and the door closed at me... my eyes were filmed over with tears and i almost lost myself in that moment of weakness. my wall is so ever thin though i tried my very best to be that way i potrayed....

almost as i felt those worst memories i ever contained in me came flooding back, in a sudden flash, R was standing next to me... i was humiliated and ashamed for him to see my ugly self... nevertheless that lopsided grin shined on me.. the next i know, we were standin on that grassy patch, protected by that big old tree. a white picket fence springed out of nowhere, and we are leaning against it... side by side.

in that silence next to him... a quiet smile played on our faces, like a secret between us only... in a whisper i hear him those words i needed to hear the most. which i know in reality it is as clearly impossible as pigs will fly... he turned to me, and smiled at me... the words he said in a quiet moment of strength displayed... in the end, i am still here... a single tear fell as i smiled at him and both of us turned to watch that clear sky above us... that shiny bus... our friends on board chattin and having fun.. in that self gratification they lost themselves in. J never once turned to look at me.. B had forgotten me... well... everyone eventually forgot my existence.

with R there with me.. i knew that doesn't mattered. as we watched that bus makes circles round and round that great big tree we stood by, we see our friends getting fastinated with each turn like as if it was the 1st time seeing it each time... we can only smile at each other, enjoying that breeze in our faces, that light burning bright into our eyes.. no more words between us ...

i realised i woke up and i was smiling. saturday was a beautiful day.. where the light was abundantly shining down on me. i am happy. though i have my misgivings over the reality of our friendship.. i realised sometimes, i doubt him easily is becos i don't wanna lose him. not even as what we are now. in a certain way, he lent his strength to me. i felt closer in some ways, connected by the dream to him. perhaps that's what he wanted to express to me.. only through telepathy he has that strength to own up.. i don't know.. but i think that dream was as beautiful as the dance before..