i just needed this to let out loud. right now i am seeing someone. i think this is the best way i can sinercely acknowledge his presence in my life.

through here i guess this is where my thoughts and emotions come to life and fully encrypted on its own without me losing my defense. i can't say that it was whatever fairy tale love at 1st sight thingy since i have not gotten over that someone. i may have been the foolish one here now, cos being all talk that no one should jumped into a relationship to numb any previous pain or to forget someone else.. i just about i think broke my rule. sinercely on a whole, i like him genuinely. i am content, at peace.

no i am not at peace yet. maybe my heart still harbour that thought of being close to that someone. i can't say i gave my heart to this guy now. i can't do that. but i have lost my defenses in his presence. i know i should walk away when i can't convince myself why should i love somebody else.. but i decided to give myself a chance. maybe he might be my ticket to happiness one day.

this decision is a big step that i am taking. i realised this step leads to alot of backwards thoughts seeping into my mind.. alot of what ifs which i am questionin myself.. that perpetual fear has never really left. i have no room for optimism. i only carry that silent fear, a need to be convinced that my choice is right and that little hope of that someone is truly dead.

maybe what i have said all the while is true that we feed on each other for our own form of gratification. we needed to know our significance to others and that value we prided ourselves, our worthiness. i needed to feel wanted in some ways. i realised that i can't really go on waiting like that. my tears these days came as quick as my mind turned to this i am in.

don't get me wrong. i am really glad that i met this guy. with so many entries in my life lately, i wonder how that fire started.. he's really not my kind to begin with. then again... how do we identify who is our kind? i never really thought much of the men i think ideally would be mine in eventual terms. most of the time, you never really get what you wanted. in some ways i am lucky that this minor turnabout, brought me him. not a 4 leave clover but i am then again content.

he makes me laugh, which is important. i like laughing and smiling. that he assures he will perform admirably. which is true... he is cute, yeah like a monkey. maybe that's why i take more that a glance at him sometimes. to take in all i can and memorise that every detail he is. perhaps paraphrasing how he treats me back to him... i can't exactly say this is social engineering my life about to be happy. perhaps if that is the only term then that is what i am doing. maybe doin so.. really in the end, keeps me in perfect happiness. that i wouldn't mind at all.

i found someone i can talk to, share with, let down my defenses without fearin that i lose myself in the process, someone who makes me laugh alot, who cares about me alot. who i smile when i see him. i am really content.