it's been awhile since i can think of anythin to say. oh well, i'm at peace. perhaps too at peace that now i resembled a balloon. ok, maybe the happy pill is too good of a placebo for me.

been thinking about jinde lately. dunno why but kinda miss him lately. it's been exactly 4 years since we ended things for good. that tiring trip wasn't going anywhere. but i realised had i keep quiet and my eyes closed, perhaps now i would be living a different life altogether. we will probably be having dinner at 7pm, watching tv at 9pm and in bed by 11pm. we will have saturday for a quiet time together and sunday would be family day with mom and dad, his of course and his sisters and nieces and nephews and brother-in-laws and whoever for dinner. of course not forgetting i would be a mom by this time.

perhaps i could have tolerate his infidelity and maybe things might just unravel to a certain and all opposites of things will come to a rest. perhaps, if i had not loved him that much maybe it would give him the reason to love me twice fold. oh well... that's why it's all over.

of course backtracking my thoughts, i see simon again. the 1st love is the sweetest. after that 1st fall nothin else really matters. the bitterness, sour-raw taste seeped into the very core and things are never quite the same.

of course nothin takes the past away like the future... however so, the future sometimes bring the past back again. a drop of water fallen and risen back to before. the sun goes down and up again each break of day. a smile widen at a grin and slowly shrinks back to that silent emptiness.
i'm hopeful and yet cynical. perhaps that is why i kinda think i can never live quite the same as before and embrace what is before me.

perhaps i am stuck in a re-winding road, i see myself trippin over each rock, stumbled over each fall... a foot goes down, a foot goes up...