i'm just so sick and tired of everything now. i just thought that i might needed to let it all out but i starting losing it. i am near the signs of breaking down. i realised in the end i always run back to mel no matter what.

there is just no other one whom i can at this point in my life. i just don't want to meet people who are only made of cotton candy and stuff that exists in dreams to be and never will be. i need the genuine people who will always be by my side. i can't afford to play as the next flavour of the month or be someone i am not. perhaps i am unsure of steps to be taken on how conclusive i see my supposed friends are. perhaps i think a relationship somehow put me at a disadavantage to the world. perhaps at this point i should be glad that after all these years mel is always by my side.

he has never wavered. never run away. never forget. never stop calling. never stop his care for me. in this way, i am blessed after all the cruelty of meeting everyone i can who can say i know no one who stays by me? perhaps i wanted to be like someone i can never be. for as loud as i seemed, that is superficial and not me. my quiet moments conquered what layers me and mirrors my exact fears. i realised i can never displayed that sort of outlook and play a bee amidst the flowers. i can't play up myself for people to like me. perhaps it is one of my greatest fears. i do fear loneliness alot. in 1 way i have no idea how to connect and i fear taking that 1st step. stepping right into the unknown is something i cannot fathom how should i make myself.

i cannot endear myself to anyone nor put myself in a position i did before where i will just end up losing everything. i am about to give it all up. i do not want to play someone's toy for laughter and all that at the end don't make any sense. i can tell someone how much i care but of course risk putting myself in this vulnerable state for laughs.

it is easier to laugh at someone than to applaud that person for speaking from the heart. many a times that sort of seriousness get mocked at and in the end i close the doors.

why only mel? he tells me that he cares and he meant it from his heart. he listens he really does. i hate it when everytime i just have to play this agony aunt just to listen to life stories and pat on the back when the tape is on repeat mode and i heard that story just yesterday. everybody just want to be heard but no one actually listens. i am so tired...

if i can place myself in a shell perhaps that quietness would suits me best. but i am already in this world and i cannot escape my feelings and fears.