LIFE RATTLES 2

Thursday, April 26, 2007

i feel so bad now thinking about how things began between O and me. i should not have started something that i know eventually will not work out especially when i did not work out what i really wanted at that point of time. now to having hurt someone with my brutal honesty that things weren't meant to be if i had think carefully, i feel so sick of myself.

in reality, i used him to escape from my fears and insecurities. i needed an outlet to take me away from my then pain. i needed someone who will need me. eventually i chose to reject that cos' i couldn't take it anymore knowing that, that is not what my heart wants. i was in denial trying so hard to play a make believe game that my life is fulfilled. my focus wasn't him and i knew that despite he is in my life and should be at any point of time, the sole focus of attention. yet i was busy giving attention to my past.

the past months i lived in my past, thinking about those happy times i had. i didn't dare to return to those times fearing the rejection that at that point of time i was attached. being attached also somehow stigmatized my social life. i wanted very much to be able to see my friends like i did and to see the people whom i wanted to so much. especially seeing someone who i really did liked before all these began.

my life went downhill and full stop. i was lonely and wanted to see those friends so badly yet afraid to take the step knowing that he sneers and that would just hurt me so bad. i cannot face him in that alone. mask my fears and stood in my pride i refused to step back into the past as much as i crave for it. it is not the clubbin that matters, it is because i know that i still see this guy as a friend, and i wanted us to still be friends no matter what. i remembered so well the days we talked till the end of the world, the mornings that i went to work with dark circles.

i remembered the drunkness and sober states we were. i remember that we once cherished each other. now to have him called me just a mere acquaintance. it hurts so much to know that he has despised me to this state. i don't see myself having to put up with it if he cannot understand me. sometimes it is easier and better to let go before the hurt gets too deep and it would be harder to walk away without the pain showing. i still have my dignity now.

i remembered being curious enough to get infatuated with this guy. curious becos he aroused such instinct in me when i think i know more the least i understood him. when i thought i didn't know him at all, he displayed a different side and got me wanting more.

now i fell for him again and this time it is not an infatuation. this doesn't feel like those little games men and women used to play but i fell in line and i know that i might sink really fast. he gives me the high but bring the low really down on me. i felt bad and foolish. i felt insignificant but i cannot help it. i want him bad becos i know that things will fall in place. he is stringing me up and i cannot stop the baiting.

and now on a wed nite, i am battling the blues in my life. coming to the middle of this week which i thought i should be still celebrating my eurphoria, now everythin crashed. bcos i really don't know what he wants. if it is still a game till now, i really can't afford the time to play. not especially when my feelings are genuine now. i have no idea how to tell him that i like him. i am afraid that if i do so, he might just slip through my fingers again.

but when i am with him, he made me feel outasite! out of this world. he made me smiled endlessly even when i am thinking about him. he made me think of him every time at any point. he made me feel like i am the centre of his world. that is when i see him. it is hard to contact him cos he simply don't give a damn. replying to a text probably have to wait till stone age returns. he drives me mad waiting but keeps me on fire when we meet. what does a girl gotta to do to tell this man she is crazy about him?

i am wrecked with guilt and misery, filled with foolish hopes and lost dignity. i want to escape but i know if i don't hear the truth. it will all return twice fold.

12:15 AM

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