LIFE RATTLES 2

Sunday, June 10, 2007

i just wante to know if i dare to take this chance. sometimes i get so angry and upset but i cannot make myself stand up and tell the other person how i feel. and chances slipped past me and i know it. because i am scared that even if i were to tell it as it is, things are going to turn up as a mockery. perhaps after saying all that in my earlier post, i am still afraid. perhaps this change got me scared. i try to live brave, and be happy that i can actually be honest about my feelings but at the same time, i am afraid. i am scared he will just accept the situation as it is and case closed, deal closed.

why can't 2 people just come together and know each other before believing what others say? why do we put so much faith that our friends are always on our side? the last time i trusted BW, i got myself burnt instead. his double edged sword staked me up at high post. till now, i am lost when it comes to the other good friend.

but now stepping into a different scene, it just replays like a bad memory. i lost my head when instructions, as in explicit instructions are meted to me. i wish that liking someone means mutual understanding and tat's it. as in really mutual understanding. some things do not have to be said because each other's importance grow when you like each other. when that someone is important to you, you see your world just kinda painted just you and him and blah blah blah. even right now, i just keep seeing his face.

i don't even know if liking him is a good thing. age is factor perhaps to what others are going to say. i should not think that mel and my bf will say much. they are pretty much standing strong behind me. i know that i am pretty much alright left to my devices and when i cannot handle it like today i just sit and cry. to myself. no point talking about it cos' it will not write off itself or discount the fact that i was hurt. and i am mature enough to know what exactly i am doing. things that are mutually beneficial always gets me into trouble. things that undeniably wiped me off my ass cleaned always just gets me alone into all this BS pain.

others who will talk, perhaps those people we met through might set tails wagging. perhaps scorned hearts and jealous parties might and if only that is so. perhaps people you think they are friends usually are the ones who set the fire ablaze and cry wolf along with you when you are in your misery. yup the last time i was in the pits, called a friend who accidentally hit the wrong button on her hp and switched her calls by mistake and told me for the next 10 minutes or so about me and my misery and oh my love life. she thought i was her gossip buddy. nochalence didn't exactly helped but ok i preferred to ignore her penchant for gossip and to treat it as a concern to be addressed.

i am sitting up in front of my computer now contemplating my situation as he calls it. he is right, he makes my mind work harder thinking about him. i am trying so hard to stop. i try to be strong now since nothing happened and with a shrug i can let go. but the truth is i cannot. because i refused to accept whatever he said is just for show. yep alot of you are goin to say that i am dumb. just saying for the sake of doing so. but i just don't want to doubt him. why do we have to live so miserably spending our time doubting the next person? i don't want to do that. i may restrain myself from revealing myself but i do come with my heart open because i would like to accepted the way too.

perhaps because of this, i feel that it leads me to exposure to cheating friends. most of the time, i felt used. i realised the most used i am are by these people i called friends. and most of them are not mine to begin with. they are usually m's frens that eventually by his command; " you shall take care of them" that led me down this shit...

i realised this after one weekend. a very clear change... ignorance then reliance... this method always works on people like me! i am not advertising myself but seriously times like this, i feel stupid and the worst thing is i am already aware that i am used. i think this situation is like the one jimmy told me. his macau trip and being converted into some hurried quickie fortune god and cookies in exchange for paper wealth. and the sad news is these people just don't know their fortune. they just got used to the idea that you are here. therefore you will do so and take care no matter what. they see it as an obligation to their being. if only they were god and bring me wealth... maybe...

it is not the 1st time i am made used of. and i know that mouths go dry faster than the wind can do the trick, gossip alone cannot stop for the sake of the nation. so there you go, from the mouth of the babe, perhaps word goes around faster twice faster if those people knows you as well... then next you know, you are stigmatized like god himself! way to go!

i am just glad that end of the day i have my mel, jas and kav. i am at peace. but now i am still lost. should i just tell him that i really want to know him as much i did yesterday, the day before the week before? i cannot sleep with my heart this heavy and to think my tears flow in my frustration. this is a senseless and frustrating week.

i rejected r's proposal last nite... becos i didn't wanted anything at all not with him... now to having created some misunderstanding here with c.. then j had to call in the midst of a quiet quiet ending to the night... a parting call with words that swirl... now everythin is a mess. i hate it when r comes just when he thinks that hey he is interested... back off my dear. the world is not just you alone and i don't live for you. don't be silly when mutually nothing comes out of it so don't waste time. hook up some other fishes in the pond where you dig, just make sure your gf doesn't catch so good with a rod.

why can't guys just think that hey, she is a girl but we can be friends... just because i am a girl doesn't mean that the difference lies between my legs and yours and nothing more.

3:37 AM

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