Tuesday, October 23, 2007
i lost my life recently. no, i am not dead. i just discovered that i am a slave to work and a zombie starting every friday evenings to sunday nites. gosh i am as good as dead.
things are going brilliant at work. (gosh so damn british!) but i lose my energy if i have to deal with anyone on my off days. i hate to talk even after work. my jaws go into overdrive during work and having to exert another muscle on my face practically makes it fat. but once again, i am happy being a slave now. :)
well.. the good news is that we may have found a place to stay! right at the east near the sea and a cemetary. i am not too thrilled but bargained a morning ride to work everyday so i am pretty good. taxi fares can be claimed for. so i am at the end of a good deal. shake on that.
the down side.. i dunno if it is right to say if everything is fine. i just cannot imagine being together as in really together. im like in the middle of nothing yet i have so much to look towards now. i am like this machine that can't stop thinking about work and i don't want to lose any chance here. i cannot say that i am happy but im neither that either. i guess i am in the midst of some self confusion and structured brain disorder.
i mean he would be what every girl wants, he is a walking success story. except not much time on hand. of cos, when time permits or until i complain, he is still very much a great guy to be with. i think like wise, i am also competitive and possessive of my work freedom that perhaps of his successes at work, i am driven to perform my best. i just don't want to be dangling behind. honestly we are not meeting often, but i don't mind perhaps i would, the old me. perhaps then my boyfriends are not really what you would say career driven. maybe i mimicked their actions too well. this is good for me now since he is a good role model to begin with and i do think i am in good hands. but ultimately i may be in too safe of a position that love is not something we talk about.
i am beginning to feel the edges of depression creeping in. not that kind that makes you want to cry but just that kind that goes oh well... i think i am beginning not to care too much. maybe bitten too badly and the scars are not fading well for me to make another attempt into the world of men and women. frankly, i think i don't give a damn. which isn't a good sign. i might end up unmarried. which is really not a good thing. where the heck am i supposed to get my babies out into this world?
i think it is just so weird to live this life. you want to be loved and it is said to be blissful that way but when that happens happiness is not with you. you loved and it hurts. to make that pain go away, you put that person out of your life and yourself out of misery and try to bravely re-attempt life itself again. telling yourself to go for someone who just loves you more than you do and be happy about it. then the cycle starts all over again. greener pastures on the other side, baby and you just never give up.
times like this it is good to be an anime character. you lived once but just to brilliantly that you go down in history all the same being who you are and what you are and want to achieved and a superhero with fans trying to dress like you.
this is the only guy that i can have a wonderful time together, out for dinner or movies or drinks and enjoying the intelligent conversations. someone whom i think is really great and wonderful. someone who taught me alot and we had never had any issue to argue about not even like worldly - none - of - our - business affairs that would throw us into quarrels. somehow i am hesitating to bring home to mom. shucks man... life's tough... imagine tellin my mom im married 2 years later and she had no idea that i was even dating someone.
i have a warped mind cos' i am thinking that is a cool trick to play on this old woman!
if i say i want to fall in love, yeah that is true. but when i think about all the problems i have encountered and those unwonderful men i have unfortunately met... ...
my mind goes ... ... ...
11:29 PM
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