i am feeling so tired. tired out by my coughing, my sniffling and my aches. late in the night, plagued with dreams so seamless that i drifted between worlds and twilights.

i am too tired to cry out in pain. having to be chased by my mom to swallow some food. my every action seems so mechanical. i feel more dead than alive. it seems misery attracts some good friends at its peak. having to ride the crimson tide now and a stiff neck do not seemed like a good deal right now. my throat hurts so much that it feels like a fire is raging within me. i wish it is really one than to have this feeling of standing on the tallest peak with the cold wind slashing away at me. it feels like it now.

i am never one who would rely on friends too greatly in times when i would say the normal reaction is to do so. now i finally realised why friends are important. they help to ease that pain and take you somewhere where you could maybe regain a little happiness. i just met a nice lady through christy, in a way i am blessed. if it is not because i have nowhere to go and no one i wanted to burden, i would not have met sabrina. well... she helped intepreting my dreams. that is helpful. i have yet thank her for that. reading her message, especially about my first dream, i couldn't help but to break down.

" was just reading a bit on your blog... that first dream you describe, of your cat and the dog... it might be saying that even if you want to help, sometimes you can't.. and sometimes the help, even though with good intentions, is not appreciated... sometimes you need to let go and focus on yourself, help yourself, and let others deal with their own fights... cats and dogs fight, you may be able to stop this one, but eventually, they will fight again... don't take it literally of helping your cat... am sure you will know where to relate it to in real life... second dream... might be something about wanting to escape, wanting to be someone else....third dream is super weird... i totally agree to that!!!"

i realised that i have peddled too much in trying to help someone else fight against his own demons. perhaps my help is not needed, perhaps i was trying too hard. somehow after reading her message, i sort of calmed down. i decided to just let the wind blow me into the direction that it deemed ok. i no longer has that strength to resist nor do i want to build my own destiny right now. i am not going to sink away, deep down another hidey hole. but perhaps if someone's willing, i might get to see him. i am too tired to rage against myself for things that are beyond my control. i might eventually lose myself once again. it is good to have friends who are supportive and in a way have been neglecting some of my closest this week. that makes me feel really bad.

all i can say is that, i am too tired for any fights right now. too tired to cry and shout or scream. happiness is indeed a borrowed item.