i don't know what is happening anymore. is it me or anyone else being excluded too?
i am left behind and i don't know how to play catch up. the ball thrown high up in the sky has yet to fall since a week has passed.

i wish i had the guts to make a call to know the truth. but i am afraid to be told that i caused the broken bridge. i don't know what went wrong. i tried to learn, i read and did my research. i hoped and pretended things could be better if i were there. i may have thought alittle too highly of myself. i am foolishly naive. i feel so helpless that i just don't know who can i seek some words. my friends asked and i don't know what to say.

how to say that i am worried for someone right now?
that something might have happened and i don't know how to make it better?
am i causing more misery if i reach out to him?
each letter i typed in my message i get so scared.
i am scared that my concern may be received in negativity and rejection.

i am scared to acknowledge my own misery
i am scared to think
i am scared to lose control
i am spiralling
i tried to treat things as it would be and soon return to normalcy
beneath, i am cracking
i don't know how should i express my worry

i don't know how to tell that person that i will wait right here until i know everything is fine.
this distance plays out fair in land and now virtual war has drawn us apart.
i am neither here nor there

i failed miserably this afternoon when he logged off the moment i pm him.
for the love of the net, i suddenly wish i could throw my computer out of the window and never see one anymore.
i could not moved from my seat.

i am only but a girl. i hate myself for my ego and for being strong
that it makes it only harder to cry when it hurts
any sign of weakness throws me away to the wolves
i can't tell anyone how i feel because i don't know how
i was so tired, i took a cab and wished it brought me to nowhere
watching the street lights, i held my tears and hoping the driver could pretended to be just an innocent happy man that i can only basked in his little ray of happiness
i lived on borrowed happiness
i talked like i have no worries
i laughed, joked, enjoyed my cup of tea
i decided not to seek comfort in the executive ladies' toilet as it would makes my loneliness stark against my happy background
i stood still in the light of corporate warfare and social politics today
i grew smaller and wished i was a giant or may never even exist

all i want to know is some answers. but i don't know if i can take what i would hear.
my friend ask if a straight line became a triangle.
my friend ask if work killed me today
a colleague asked if i needed a ear she is a phone call away
my boss asked if i wanted to have a cup of coffee and relax

i am a great pretender of all mighty unhappiness