i have alot of questions and "i wish" scenarios right now. as i sipped my Riesling, i get a little sense of heaviness washing over me. maybe cos' i am getting a little emotional right now. if only Ms. Lee is in town, we could hit our favourite places for some drinks. i am in need of a drink or two to cloud up my empty self.

1) am i too harsh with people especially when i do not see any interest that i would develop in them?

2) do i cut ties too quickly?

3) do i take to hurt too easily when someone said something that i should maybe just brush off instead letting it stick in my head?

4) why can't i forget?

5) why do the strings of violins often accompany the sad scenes on the television? why do hearts break so frequently the moment a string is pulled?

i wish i had not touched on the topic with "Jie Jie" today. well he is right that i should keep what should have been kept in that little box deep down in me. if i live in the past, where is my future?
these thoughts entered my head too easily. i guess i am not someone who gives up easily and who hopes ever so hopefully.

still, i am not hoping for the impossible nor do i want to pursue on. i only hope to keep memories afresh and to able to be there for a friend always.

maybe what is putting me off is also, Mr. A is a long distance away. sometimes when he is virtually distant, i hear a clicking sound and like a camera, pictures flashed before my eyes. questions i told myself not to ask, again they come up like long lost ghosts ahaunting me. when he is there, i click for him as quick as possible, but always failed to type a simple "hi". sometimes i shrank, afraid of what response might come to me. i told myself so many times that courage is worthless if i do not even take any action, yet i failed miserably when i do not want to discover what answer i might get. i feel that at this stage, how can i say i am capable of being with someone and putting him above me when i fail to use every opportunity in front of me?

i really don't know what to do. i can't even cry over my foolishness, my uselessness and my pride.

my wishes:

1) i wish i was brave enough to experience new discoveries each day
2) i wish i had sent that SMS i wanted him to know how much i miss him
3) i wish for the past 2 odd years, i had the courage to even tell babywipes how much i miss him, my dear friend
4) i wish i am there with alvin right now and i wish he is thinking the same too
5) i wish to escape this sense of unreality