im dancing to a tune of slow death.



somehow after sending that email, i felt worse. this trip has a no return ticket.
came back home with a flu that won't go away, a headache that hijacked all my thoughts.
i just couldn't eat. i locked myself in, sat on my bed and tears just won't go away.
i really don't know what is happening right now.



i am fighting a losing battle. in my heart, i can feel i am losing everything.
i lost this fight. and things will never return to normal.
i just couldn't hope anymore.
where did i go wrong?



i am plagued with dreams that kill me bit by bit. i am just floating between worlds right now.
i felt so stupid, so foolish and so goddamn naive.
this is so fucking painful that i cannnot even swallow that lump in my throat.
i wish time just stop ticking away. because i cannot move on.
i cannot define my emotions anymore.



i hate myself for being this way. this trail of feelings is exactly how i felt with BW. this hit me of a sudden and i just keep falling. when will i hit the ground? i am travelling right to the centre of earth. i don't know how am i going to go to work like this. everyday is putting up a front, smiling even i don't know why. i get so hyper to ignore what i am really feeling inside. i am shaking right now. literally shivering.



i just keep asking myself what did i do, where did i go wrong and what is the missing link..

i just hate myself right now for sinking to this state again. it is just so difficult to pick up the pieces and now to have given myself away and back again where i don't want to be at.



friends keep telling me to walk away, look somewhere else, seek no answers. i just cannot escape. i want to numb everything right now. i don't even know which direction should i go.
i just want a release.

in my head, i just keep seeing different answers that might be it. i can accept neither. how could happiness instantly melt away like this? where did i fucking go so wrong to deserve this?

even if you don't want me anymore just let me know rather that i die this way by the way you dictate the war. i don't even know what i am losing for.

i don't believe in god but now god just help me i cannot function at all. i just feel so dead right now. this is just so painful for me.