this entire week left me feeling sealed in a vacuum state. i am either here nor there and somehow i can't feel myself so well. i have become so dependent on my emotions and i can't move into my present or future without all these excess baggage. i am left behind.

i have been smiling alot, excessive positivity at work. somehow i feel so grey inside. im not drowning or suffocating yet i feel like im floating in outer space where nothing transits here at all.
perhaps i have been too happy that causes my fall right now. i was hoping to be this happy at least until a time i deemed ok. maybe i was hoping for a little too much. i had hoped to at least have things stayed like how it started. perhaps it is too long much to ask for. now in this state, i wished i can talk to him. somehow i realized i cannot assured anymore than i can do for myself and was hoping that at least he could materialize that shoulder i thought i could have. for that, i am shaking away other possibilities. i am stubborn, hopeless and i just don't want to care at this point of time.

i am starting to feel a little useless. i am not sure if i should seek or just wait. sometimes i ask if he is waiting too. i am neither here nor there. there is no guide or any light to point me out. i wish i know what is going on.

now i put my thoughts into words, it somehow made me feel worse. i wish i don't know how to cry at all.