10 days without him since.

this flu is not going away. no one to come and kiss it all away.
i missed his laughter. i missed his messages.
i am still being a fool. i know that.

friends are trying to be nice. work still goes on.
the world still evolves. except for me.
this flu is still here. still can't eat properly.
throat is burning and i have ice cream waiting.
that is not the cure. ultimately, i think i am not helping me out of this situation.

why won't he call? is it really so difficult just to get the truth out?
my best friend told me to let it go. he knows i can't. i cannot walk on another mile still being stuck in the yesterday's me. i am wearing my skin inside out right now.

tuesday morning, i felt so zapped. so zapped that i started reading our past conversations. silly little things that made me laugh and cry. precious little things. i promised not to read at all but i couldn't. all because i miss him alot.

i came so close to breaking down in the office, my small cubicle. my airless room, glaring lights over my head. i almost wanted to just get my bag and walk out and never to return. instead i went for a smoke. that did not help.

there is just no escape to this endless cycle. you love me then you love me not. i want you then i rather have you not. i am going crazy in my silent world and more and more i do not know what to do.

i danced to the tune of slow death. i spiralled to the music that takes me down.
i see him being all happy and stuff. yet i can't get any upset. sometimes i hate myself.

every night the ritual that follows, take a pill, smoke 1 or 2 sticks and pray i sleep a seamless one. it is getting harder to get out of this cycle.