i know someone else will always have it worse than me, or better than me... at anytime when we go into comparisons. humans are such vultures. we hate to listen and always want a piece of everything that hangs alittle higher than what we can reach out for. i am beginning to grow sick of what i am doing each day. i go back to square one after a night's of dreamless sleep. sometimes i find doom perpetually waiting in my dark corner of the virtual world.

i go into spasms when i think of all the things i could always do better. better than what i did yesterday, last week, last month and the years that passed so quickly. humans are such cynic creatures. we blame when we fall, we cry when we are happy, we worry when we get lucky, we are relieved when we did not win some money. we think it is all in the makings of some man above us in the great clouds in the sky. change your religion and believe in a real man. or woman. forget that woman bit.

woman are too much of a pain. most of them. i admit i am quite a man. yet i fall in love like any gay does. how painful life serves to remind of the sweetest bite into an apple usually means life would end up in one big pool of bloody sweet misery.

still i pretend to be hopeful as each day passes me by from dusk to dawn and vice versa. i wish i were a vampire. life would be mortally painful yet engaging as i ceased to believe anymore than i should.

still i pretend to be hopeful. while he is having fun, like why not? counting the words, the little games we played, we pretended to be best friends like no other. when the candle snuffed out, out goes what we built. like castles and palaces in the sky. i be your princess, you give me a kiss and waked me up into a nightmare. love is rather optimistic in a naive sort of way. we threw aeroplanes, hoping to catch some love and fly as high even though we have no wings. we pretended to be heroes, adventurers seeking the unknown like any other known creatures before us. we thought we had achieved our brand of happiness, we thought this is it. then we woke up before 6am and fell back to the nameless dreams we shared with others just like us.

we played too many games while we could. some were fun and some threw me away to the deep blue ocean. i fed the sharks, you laughed away. merrily merrily the boat rows home. now i stared out of the window, the grey sky calls my name like an old friend. raindrops fall on my head even though i kept it out of trouble. call me blue like a middle name, a nick on my big toe as the blood falls. i used to think we are happy just like that. actually you had already walked the walk away.

how many weeks has it been now? i realized i forgot to count, yet i am reading the past whenever my head cannot keep out.

i do not dislike my job. somehow destiny is keeping that little love away. i do not dislike my friends. somehow i draw a map and i am on another planet. i am going away yet i will be back. i am still waiting for my 10 million shiny bucks to escape a senseless misery.