haven't been updating though things are moving in all directions.
i am confused at this point of my life.

work is driving me, practically holding the reins to my existence right now.

poetry seeps into my head thickly last night. i was too lazy to take them down for your pleasure reading. it was as profound as it was confusing. should i write it down here...

now that 2010 is creeping faster than before. i am getting a little worried. perhaps the key word is not "a little"...

i haven't achieved much this year. nothing to be proud of. work wise, i am always working and will always. so i don't think any significant will change there.

i am slipping into one of the nation's suit wearers. probably one day will wake up to regret if i don't do anything foolish or as i may say, attempt to achieve my dreams. i will probably have kids and pray that they channel my spirit and zest for life. the zest that is currently ebbing away. i hope i don't live my life like this.

cross my fingers...

of cos i have dreams, had them and forgo them, bridged and edited them. burnt them and blow hard at the ashes that covered them. clinging onto them. hopefully one day, a real god exists to make them all come true. now i sound like some barbie born out of a plastic factory.

now i only hope 2010 brings certain luck and monetary returns always sound really orgasmic...

1) i really need to get my butt back to school and drill something into my head for my own sake
2) take up a skill (things that i have been pretending to know or skillfully convincing myself that i have plenty of years ahead...)
this could mean language or a kick ass skill (a physical skill that really kick ass!)
3) do something that i have not done before
4) try to go out alternate weekends to see the world no matter how tired my bones are
5) be faithful to gym and really just don't cheat...
6) if possible, i would like to light my last stick on 31st december 2010...
i know this is a long way, but i need to keep myself mentally prepared...
it is always those little unforseen things that creep up on me and scarred me for a good number of years/months/weeks that keep the poison stick between my fingers and make me take that deep suck...
7) need to be disciplined to follow my routine...
8) take a few well deserved breaks and try not to over burn whatever energy i have for myself...
9) don't let office rob me away from myself
10) just enjoy life and whatever it brings as much as i can without a) worrying b) disappointment c) over hoping

this time resolutions are kept minimal, simple and easy to follow. if i even break any one of them. please send me a bullet in a gun.

funny thing, i dreamt of BW last night. it was weird. i cannot quite remember the dream. but i know there are a lot of what ifs in it. i think it began along the lines of what if i call him... blah blah blah...

what was clear during my nightly walks down memory lane now turned into mush and darkness. perhaps, time is not right.

cannot deny that i miss him. my friend!!!!! my friend!!!!!

dear whomever in that piece of sunshine/rainbow/cloudy/fluffy bitty sky, please make 2010 a nicer year than 2009. i am happy to be surrounded by friends, work, my laptop, the internet, my cat, family and books. really... just don't bring me horrible men...